Taking Chances

Brandon simply nodded.

“I'm upset that he did this, but I don't know why I am. From the begi

“All I wanted was you. But I messed up, I gave in and took that chance with him even though I knew it would eventually hurt both you and me. When you came back from Arizona, I promised I would never do anything against you again, that I would love you and try to be worthy of your love too. Unfortunately, as you noticed, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It would drive me crazy, thinking about you and our future, thinking about how much I couldn't stand Chase, and then of course how much I loved him despite my hate for him. I would go around and around, but I knew what I wanted, and it was a life with you. I had just started to realize I wouldn't get over him until I had my closure with him, but a part of me was afraid of what would happen when I saw him again.”

Brandon was still silent, but his eyes were shining with tears he was working to hold back.

“Then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew it was my punishment for what I'd done to you. Like the universe didn't want me to get away with what I'd done, and my conflicting feelings, without paying for them. I had to tell you immediately, I already hated keeping that weekend from you, I wasn't going to be able to keep this from you too. You deserved to know before he did, you deserved to hear it from me in the begi

“The time didn't make a difference Harper.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I have been wondering something though, and after hearing you just now, I'm more confused than ever. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”

“I owe you every explanation.”

He ran his hands over his face and curled one over the other’s fist, resting his forehead against them. “I understand that you love Chase, and when we were together you loved both of us, but you wouldn't take that next step. I was fine waiting as long as you needed, I thought you weren't ready, and then all of a sudden you're pregnant with Chase's baby? Why was it okay with him and not me? And then after, you still wouldn't be with me, but you’re saying you wanted a life with me, not him. I just don't understand.”

This was going to hurt him, “I hadn't been ready, and then that night with Chase happened and it clicked. I remember thinking this was exactly why I had never been able to take that next step with you.” Brandon flinched and mashed his lips together, “I'm sorry Brandon! I'm so sorry, I'll stop. I was just trying to be completely honest with you.”

“No, keep going. I need to know this.” He watched me study his face, trying to figure out if I should continue, “Harper, please, don't hold anything back.”

Taking a deep breath I thought back to where I'd ended, “Well, um, after you came back, I couldn't bring myself to go there with you. I already knew that you were who I wanted to be with, but I kept telling myself I couldn't do that to Chase, and was afraid that if I were to be with you, it would just be to clear my conscious. None of that was true, a huge part of the reason I couldn't bring myself to have sex with you after I'd been with Chase, was because you were still under the impression that I was a virgin, and you'd been so patient with me. Then that one night, I was ready, and Scarecrow called and you got hurt. That's why I was so frustrated on the ride over, I'd finally decided I was ready and I still couldn't be with you. I took it as a sign that I should wait. I figured then that unless you knew the truth, I couldn't tell you I was ready. And obviously, I didn't have a clue how to tell you, or if I could tell you. Then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore, I had to tell you what happened, and I knew it would crush you.”

“It did.”

“I wish you knew how sorry I am.”

“Why are you telling me this now Harper? Is it because of what Chase did?”

My stomach twisted thinking of him and Trish, “No, I've wanted to talk to you about all this for so long. But I didn't know how, or if I could and didn't think you'd ever give me a chance even if I tried. And honestly, I think Chase has been making sure we don't see each other.”

“Why? You'd already left me for him, you guys are having a baby together.”

I shrugged. Brandon knew why, I just didn't want to have to say it out loud. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

“No.” He snorted, shook his head and looked towards the other tables before back to me, “I don't know how you never seemed to realize this, but I was madly in love with you Harper.”

“I did know that.” I said softly.

“I've never loved anyone that way, I know it was early in our relationship, but I knew I was going to marry you someday. I've dated plenty of girls, and held long relationships with a few, but none that ever could be compared to you. That's not something you just move on from, no matter how badly I want to.” He took a deep breath as his face fell and stayed silent for a while, “I still can't see my life with anyone but you. I still love you Harper, baby included.”

Why did he have to say these things to me? This would be a bad conversation to have at any time, but now, after what just happened with Chase, it's dangerous. If I didn't put an end to this conversation now, I'd be ru

“I love you too. I hope to someday marry someone as amazing as you. You are going to make someone extremely happy Brandon, and I'm sure I'll hate her because she got you.” I smiled at him softly, “My reason for moving to San Diego was to get away from my life and to find out who I am, and I haven't even given myself the chance to do that. I met you just weeks after moving here and fell in love with you instantly, I was afraid my feelings for you were so strong only because you were my first kiss, first boyfriend, and first love...but we both know that's not it. What we had, was something rare. I screwed that up and almost immediately went into a relationship with Chase. I need to find out who I am outside of a relationship, before I can ever attempt another one. And you need to find someone who will treat you better than I did. You need to move on Brandon.”

I got out of the booth and pulled my purse straps onto my shoulder. Brandon stood too and hesitantly brought me in for a long embrace. I tried to memorize the feel of his warm arms around me, his muscled chest moving against my head with every breath he took.