As Dead As It Gets

I took one last look around the room of three hundred silent high school students, and something inside me threatened to break.

Why had I thought I could come back here?

I heard Agent Hasan’s words in my head: Good luck with that.

And suddenly I didn’t think I’d need two weeks to give her my answer, but I knew she’d make me suffer through two weeks of it anyway. Make me sink as low as I could go so I’d never be tempted to doubt her again.

But my miserable reverie and the quiet of the room were broken by the squeal of chair legs on linoleum.

And on the far side of the cafeteria, my sister stood up. A second later, Keaton stood up. And Mimi.

They started walking toward me.

From the other side of the room came the muffled sounds of an argument, and then the words, “Then I quit!”

And Marley stood up from the yearbook table. Then Chad.

They walked toward me, too.

Kasey reached me first. “So I guess we need a new table.”

“Um…” I braced myself to make sure my voice would be steady before I spoke. “I don’t see one in here.”

“It’s totally warm enough,” Marley said. “We’ll sit outside.”

“Did you really just quit yearbook?” I asked. “Both of you?”

She nodded.

“They’ll never make it to print without you guys.”

Those were tough words for a lifelong overachiever to hear. Marley winced a little, but she forced herself to smile. “I don’t care. Elliot would have wanted it this way. She would have told them all to go to hell.”

As we walked out to the courtyard, Lydia appeared next to me. “Five friends? That’s five more than you had freshman year.”

I laughed.

“What’s so fu

“Nothing,” I said.

“Lex!” Across the courtyard, Carter was sprinting toward us, dodging the kids who sat on the ground.

I set my lunch box on the table and headed to intercept Carter. I would have run, but I didn’t want to cause mass hysteria.

When I reached him, he wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry. I got stuck talking to my teacher. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to leave you alone.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m not alone, actually.”

Carter looked over my shoulder and saw the table full of people. Then he pulled me into a hug.

I closed my eyes and thought, Maybe they’ll never like me. Maybe I’ll always be an outcast.

Life might be pretty crazy from now on.

But maybe crazy was my new normal.

“You all right?” Carter asked, lifting my hand and kissing it.

I raised my chin and stood up straight.

I’ve been bad.

I’ve been good.

Weak and strong.

Brave and afraid.

A hero and a killer.

But the one thing I’ve never done is run from my problems. And Agent Hasan wasn’t going to scare me into ru

I reached up and touched the tiny curl of hair that was growing over Carter’s ear. “I think so,” I said. “I mean, I will be.”

And I would, even if it took a year, five years, ten years—I would be all right.

I knew it in my gut.