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Don’t react, Alexis. “I know it’s easier to believe that you’re making her happy,” I said. “But she would hate this, Jared. She would hate the fact that you’re in so much pain.”
His face crumpled, and he looked at me. I got a glimpse of him in the half second before he turned away, sobbing.
I felt like I’d just seen a kid realize he was lost in a crowded mall.
Jared wasn’t evil…he was just broken. That was what we’d always had in common.
But I felt like I’d changed. Maybe because of Lydia. Or maybe it was Kasey, or Megan—or even Carter. Somehow, I’d gotten a little less broken. And for Jared’s sake, I wanted him to heal, too. To be better.
I took a step toward him and rested my hand on his shoulder. “Jared, if you can let it go…If you can stop tormenting yourself with guilt and regret—”
“That means so much, coming from you,” he said, jerking away from me. “You, the world’s leading expert at getting over things, right? You can’t even look your sister in the eye. You can’t even stand up straight in a room full of people because you’re so worried about what they think of you. I’m not saying I’m perfect, Alexis, but you’ve got a lot of nerve to tell me to get over something.”
“I know I’ve had problems,” I said, tears threatening to spill on to my cheeks. “I just don’t want anyone else to die. And I truly do want you to be happy, Jared. But it’s not going to be with me. Not ever.”
I wiped at my eyes and turned away so he couldn’t see me crying.
The sun had risen over the ridge to the east of town, spilling pale light over the winding grids of the neighborhoods in the distance.
Jared’s voice came at me from only a couple of feet away—closer than I’d expected, and much softer. “Then…what about a compromise?”
His demeanor had changed. He was sweet, soft, understanding Jared again. And though I’d never be totally comfortable around him, I was disarmed.
“What kind of compromise?” I asked.
“The kind where we both get what we want.”
I turned toward him and waited.
“You want Laina to stop hurting people. And honestly, Alexis, I want that too. I feel terrible that those girls have died. I don’t want anything to happen to your sister.”
Then forgive yourself, I wanted to say. Let Laina go.
“And I want…I want to know that she’s happy, wherever she is. That she’s at rest. Not worrying about me for all eternity.”
I didn’t see a compromise. “I don’t understand.”
He was totally relaxed now, as beautiful in the light as if he’d been placed there by an artist for admirers to gather around and gaze upon. He reached out and took my hands, swinging our arms slightly between us in a childlike gesture.
“We jump,” he said.
Wait.
“We what?” I said.
“We hold hands, and we don’t hesitate. We don’t let fear stop us. We leap. A leap of faith. And that way we’ll be together forever, and Laina will be happy. She’ll leave your sister alone, and she won’t hurt anyone else.”
I took a step back away from the cliff.
“Jared,” I said. “I’m not going to jump.”
“Listen to me.” Now he was the one who was pleading. “Life is so hard for people like us. And it’s never going to get easier. Believe me, Alexis. You will never have a day when you wake up and don’t think about the people who have died because of you.”
I started to turn my face away from his, but he reached up and grabbed my chin, preventing me from moving.
“It’s not just Lydia now,” he said. “It’s Ashleen. And Elliot. And in a few hours, it’ll be your sister. And then it will be more of them. Maybe Carter. Maybe Megan. Who knows? Don’t you see? It’ll never stop.”
“Jared, you’re hurting me.” I tried to pull away.
But he didn’t let go. “It won’t ever stop, because what she wants is for me to be happy—and I’m never going to be happy.”
He finally eased his grip, and I reached up and rubbed my sore jaw.
“You’ll never be happy, either,” he said quietly. “I can see it when I look in your eyes.”
I jerked my eyes away from his gaze.
“Think about it.” He rested his head on my shoulder. “There’s no other way.”
I’d thought there was another way.
I’d thought I could talk to him and change his mind. But I’d failed.
Just like I’d failed when I tried to save Elliot, and when I went out to help Ashleen. And now I would fail my sister. And by failing her, I would break my parents’ hearts.
“Look at how beautiful the city is. Look how clean and bright and i
I couldn’t speak. The English language had deserted me.
“What do you say?”
Now that he’d made up his mind, he was happier than I’d ever seen him. There was a lightness to his spirit that had never been there since we’d known each other—as if Laina’s death had been an invisible thousand-pound weight that he carried around, and it was suddenly gone.
Still holding my hand, he hopped the guardrail and stood on the narrow strip of rock on the other side.
“Come on,” he said. “We’ll be free. We’ll be brilliant. We’ll be angels.”
Somehow, I found myself standing next to him.
The breeze blew in, a seductive blend of cool and warm air.
“This is perfect.” Jared lifted his head high and laughed into the wind. “This is perfect!”
His shout echoed through the canyon, and he turned to me. “This is what she deserves.”
But—“It’s not what we deserve,” I said. “I don’t deserve to die. I don’t want to die.”
I tried to pull my hand away from his, but we were linked like two pieces of a chain.
“Let go of me,” I said. “You can jump if you want, but I’m not going to.”
“It doesn’t work that way,” he said. “It has to be both of us.”
I shook my head. My neck was stiff. My body was flooded with the exhaustion of the past ten hours.
“Trust me.” He took a half step forward to look over the edge.
No.
I don’t trust you.
He was wrong about too many things for me to trust him. And one of the things he was wrong about was that killing ourselves was the only way.
Because if he wouldn’t come to terms with Laina…If he refused to shut off the faucet…
“Does your sister want to die?” he asked. “Does she deserve to die? Because if you don’t do this with me, that’s what’s going to happen. And then they’ll lock you up, and Laina will never quit.”
But you could make it stop. You could turn off the faucet if you wanted to.
“It’s what she wants,” he said. “And it’s what I want.”
“Jared,” I said.
He turned to me, a question in his eyes.
Blow up the kitchen.
I yanked my hand out of his grip.
And I pushed him. Hard.
HE CRIED OUT AS HE LOST his balance and began to slip backward. I reached behind me and grabbed the guardrail with my left hand—
And somehow Jared got hold of my right one.
He fell, but his hold on me stopped him from plunging into the canyon. The jolt made my left arm, which was hooked over the wide metal bar, feel like it would rip from my body, but I held the railing and didn’t let go.
“Lydia!” I called, my voice blasting through the canyon. “Lydia! I need you!”
“What are you doing?” Jared growled. He struggled with his free hand to get a fingerhold on the rocks, and he was kicking his legs and flailing his body, which made it even harder to hang on.
My strength was about to give out. And I knew he would never let go of me…so it would be me letting go of the railing.
And we would both die anyway.
But not because I wanted to. Not because I was giving up. Not for nothing.
“Alexis!”
Lydia came into view next to me and immediately dropped to the ground and wrapped her arms around my waist from the other side of the guardrail.