The Wanted

Wanting comfort, I reached out for Joseph’s arms to crawl into. I strained to hear his warm, rumbling voice telling me it was all going to be ok. Please let it be ok. I banged my head gently against the door as I slid down to the carpet. I wanted to dig through to the ground. I wanted to feel the damp dirt between my fingers.

This was not where I belonged.

Judith sat up in her bed, rubbing her eyes groggily.

I let one tear slip before I padded my soul with steel bars and strengthened myself. Palma was free. Free. It was working. I smiled and my face hurt.

As Judith peered at me through the glow of her hideous fairy nightlight, I thought about my father. I wondered where he was when Palma was freed. I imagined him celebrating, marveling at the power of the people. But I also knew he would look to his side and want me there. I pictured his wiry arm over my shoulder.

I’m sorry, Dad.

JOSEPH

This was definitely the way to forget, but it came with a price.

My head lolled to the side and I startled awake, my eyes resistant to opening, my mouth dry and desperate for water. I licked my lips and unfolded my arms, stretching them behind my back. Dried blood crackled on my shirt. I needed to change.

The room was spi

I got up and wobbled over to the kitchen to get water, tripping over Desh’s sleeping body. A murmur in the corner caught my eye. Olga sat with her back against the wall. She looked anxious, shaking her head from side to side, her small eyes darting around the room like she was also doing a head count.

“Olga, are you ok?” I whispered hoarsely, clearing my throat of its fuzziness.

She nodded and waved her hand dismissively. “Just tired,” she replied.

That was good enough for my cloudy brain. I stumbled and tripped on the spot where the carpet met the kitchen tiles, water calling to me from the dented sink.

As I lurched over the tap and drank directly from it, Rash’s voice hit my ears like he’d clapped tin lids together over my head.

“Feeling a bit under the weather are we?” he asked triumphantly.

I took a few more sips and raised my head, wiping the water from my mouth. The other men who were whispering wisely moved away from the counter. Rash sat on a stool, his arms clasped neatly in front of him, a big grin on his face, his speech a little slurred.

“What did you do to me?” I asked, my own words sounding garbled.

He raised his eyebrows. “Nothing, you dumbass. You did this to yourself. You’re drunk.”

I leaned my elbows on the counter and dipped my head down between my shoulders. It made me feel worse. The room started bobbing up and down like I was on water. I looked up and caught his amused expression.

“I’m glad my pain gives you comfort,” I groaned.

He clapped his hands together and chuckled when I flinched at the noise. My head was splitting open.

“Oh it does, man, it does.” He opened a can of beer and handed it to me. “Here, drink this; it will make you feel better.” I eyed him suspiciously but took it. I couldn’t feel any worse than I already did.

I took a few swigs and soon, I could feel it doing its job.

“Are you ever going to forgive me?” I asked, watching him pick at his brown hands.

He laughed sourly. “This is not about forgiveness. I’m grieving. I miss her. I need her. You’re just the obvious target for all my misdirected anger.” His head sunk down.

I shook my head from side to side. “You’re… you’re in love with her…” My hand curled into a jealous fist.

Rash’s eyes narrowed. “You know, you really are an idiot. You need to realize you’re not the only one suffering. I love her, yes. I’m not in love with her.” His voice started to rise in volume. “You think…You think…”

I slammed my fist down on the table. “What?” Violence pulsed in my fingertips. I was tired of him blaming me for everything.

“You’re so sorry. So sorry for yourself, you don’t…” he started. It wasn’t even true. I felt the burden of what I’d done to everyone. To him, to Pelo, and everyone who’d lost her. “You’re not the only one who lost her. And just coz I wasn’t sleeping with her, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her just as much as you did!”

That was it. I was so sick of his attitude. His damn, stupid, glaring face. I snatched his clothes with my hands, pulled him across the counter, and close to my face. My heart thumped loudly; my ears pumped a sea of blood.

I stared into his eyes and whispered, “You think this is about sex?” I shook my head, sorry for him. “Screw you, Rash,” I said, throwing him away from me. He fell off his stool and onto the floor.

My hands were still begging to hit him. I paced back and forth, my fists tight against my sides.

Suddenly, Elise was in front of me. She put her hands on my shoulders, and I nearly punched her. She ducked back from my angry expression.

“Come with me,” she said, taking my hand and pulling me away from the kitchen and down the hall of the small cottage.

I let her lead me because if I’d stayed there, I would have stomped on Rash’s face. Rosa wouldn’t want that. I ran my hands through my hair. She wouldn’t want any of this.

Elise pulled me into the bathroom and closed the door. She daintily put down the toilet seat lid and sat on it.

She handed me a balled-up wad of cloth. “Here, I found you a clean shirt.”

I turned away from her and quickly changed, my eyes roaming over the blue glass tiles bordering the shower that were clearly not standard issue.

“Sit down,” she said, pointing to the bathtub with tumbled-down toiletries gathered around the plughole.

I sat down on the edge and sighed, trying to expel some of the violence inside me.

“I just don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I admitted.

She leaned in, her eyes so sad, welcoming and understanding. “Feel like what?”

I shrugged, my shoulders sinking. “So guilty.”

Elise crossed her legs and rested her head in her palm. “Right. I think you should tell me what happened.”

I started from when Orry got sick. She nodded. She asked the occasional question but mostly, she just let me talk. She was being exactly what I needed, a friend, and I was grateful for it.

When I finished, she gazed at me gently. “She sounds amazing, Joe.”

I nodded. “She was. I mean… she is.”

“You’ve been through a lot together, and I understand the bond you must have with her. But let me ask you this—do you really think she would want you to torture yourself like this? You love her, and that’s not going to change, but it doesn’t mean that your life just stands still when she’s not here, does it?”

No. I knew this, but hearing someone else say it, sort of giving me permission to keep living, was good.

“It’s not just about her. I’ve done some terrible things, Elise. To escape, I had to…” My words ran out and dripped to silence.

She pursed her lips, tipping her head to the side. “You can tell me, Joe. No judgment.”

I tried to say it, but it just wouldn’t come out. Confessing to her seemed a step too intimate. “I can’t.”

She tucked a strand of fair hair behind her ear. “You don’t have to. But just listen to me. You have to find a way to move past it. If not for yourself, then do it for your kid. At least try and let go of the things that you can’t control. Hopefully, she’ll come back. You can hope for it, but you can’t count on it. You have to keep living your life.”