On the Jellicoe Road

“Put the amps on two. It’ll sound better,” he calls out to them, as if they asked him.

“Ben?” I say, looking at him, reminding him why we’re here. I can tell by the expression on his face that I’ve lost him for the afternoon.

“And put the electric guitar amps lower than the bass amps!” Choi shouts out. Jonah Griggs doesn’t say anything to him. Just stares.

“Find us a venue where we don’t have to put up with this crap,” I say, standing and starting to leave.

“I know the perfect venue,” Santangelo calls out. “It’s called the Club House.”

I swing around. “Once more with feeling. What’s in it for me?”

I realise Ben isn’t even following me. He’s already close to the stage, arguing with Choi and the Mullet Brothers about the amps.

Instead, Jonah Griggs and Santangelo are standing there, almost side by side. Almost.

“Information,” Santangelo says. He has that look again, as if he wants to tell me something but doesn’t know how. He shakes his head, like he’s changed his mind.

“Chaz? What?” Raffaela snaps.

“Nothing.”

“Well, call me when you’ve got something,” I say, walking away again.

“The Brigadier knew your mother,” Jonah Griggs says, dropping what he knows is a bombshell.

I don’t want to stop, but I do. Because I can’t believe his audacity and I’m curious to see where he’s going with this.

“Do you want me to let you in on a little secret?” I say. “Lots of men knew my mother. So don’t go there.”

“You wanted to go there three years ago,” he says, walking towards me.

We are so close we’re almost touching. My fists are clenched at my side, and I’m trying to find the right words.

“Oh, so you think I’m still that person I was on the train?” I say, seething with anger. “My needs have moved on, thank you very much. It’s what happens when you’re betrayed.”

He doesn’t even flinch. “What I know is a whole lot more than I did back then and I can tell that this dickwit knows something about you, too,” he says, glancing at Santangelo. “And I think it’s pretty obvious that you’re still an emotional mess looking for your mother and you know that if you find her, you’ll find your father as well. So let’s talk about river access and the Club House,” he continues coolly, “and I’ll tell you what you’ve been desperate to find out for most of your life.”

I’m staring at him, so angry I can barely speak. “You know what I’m desperate to know, Griggs?” I spit at him. “What did you use on your father? Was it a gun or a knife?”

The room goes sickeningly silent except for the sound of Choi’s footsteps hurrying towards us, like he knows what Griggs’s next move is going to be. But he is too slow, because Griggs has me pi

Ben is on him and then Santangelo. Raffaela is clutching onto me but I don’t break eye contact with Griggs. Choi shakes a finger at me, like he’s saying that my time will come and then pulls Griggs away and they walk out.

Ben, Santangelo, and Raffaela are looking at me in shock.

“Are you insane?”

I don’t know who asks and I don’t answer because I feel nothing but a need to get away from everyone. Instinct tells me to go to Ha

Ha

She deserted me in our own backyard.

As I walk back to the school on my own, I realise I’m crying. So I go back to the stories I’ve read about the five and I try to make sense of their lives because in making sense of theirs, I may understand mine. I say their names over and over again. Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Webb, Tate, Fitz, Jude; Narnie, Narnie…

“Narnie! Open the door, Narnie, please!”

Webb’s face had a sick pallor. Tate held on to him, crying, while Fitz paced the corridor outside Narnie’s room.

“Get out of the way,” Jude said, pushing Webb aside. He pounded on the door over and over again. “Fucking open it, Narnie.”

After a while they heard the click of the lock and Jude yanked it open before she could change her mind.

“Narnie?” Webb said, holding her. “Don’t do that to us. Please.”

“What did you take?” Tate asked, shaking her gently.

“Panadol. I had a headache,” she murmured.

“How many?”

“I need to sleep,” she said. “If I sleep, everything will be better.”

Webb led her to the bed and Tate sat down beside her.

Jude watched them fussing over her like they always seemed to. He remembered the story Webb had told him about Narnie in the car on the night of the accident. It was after Fitz had come by to free them. How Narnie was stuck, frozen with fear, refusing to move. Narnie the fragile one who couldn’t cope with living.

“If you’re going to kill yourself, don’t do it until tomorrow night at ten,” Tate said.

“Promise?” Webb begged.

“I had a headache and it wouldn’t go away. That’s why I rang you, Webb.”

“Cross your heart, hope to die.”

“But she does hope to die,” Jude snapped.

“She knows what I mean,” Tate said.

Narnie crossed her heart.

“That’s not where her heart is,” Jude said bitingly.

“Scano, leave it,” Webb said tiredly.

“Well, it’s not. She just crossed her shoulder blade. What kind of a suicide victim are you, Narnie, when you don’t even know where the life force is that you’re dying to squash? Right here.” He poked her in the heart. “You want to do it properly, you make sure you get yourself right there.”

Narnie looked at him and he felt a wave of self-hatred, but he didn’t care.

“You’re an arsehole, Jude. Big time,” Tate said, almost in tears, putting an arm around Narnie.

“Yeah, I probably am. But I can’t be a part of this deal-making. Screw you, Narnie. If you die, a big chunk of us dies with you.”

He slammed out of the room and even Fitz seemed speechless.

Narnie curled up on the mattress and Tate lay beside her. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she told them.

Webb leaned over, kissing Narnie and then Tate.

“You can keep Chairman Meow with you,” he said, snuggling the cat in next to Narnie before leaving.

Tate smoothed her brow. “Maybe it’s a good idea not to go to sleep for a while.”

“I can’t stay awake.”

“I’ll tell you about To Kill a Mockingbird. You might get in trouble if you don’t read it for English by tomorrow,” Tate said. “Do you remember what you’re up to?”

Narnie thought for a moment and then nodded. “Atticus makes Jem read to the old woman.”

Tate settled in next to her. “Well,” she began, “Mrs. Dubose is really nasty. She lives next door and calls out to them every single time they walk past the house about how disrespectful they are and blah blah blah. Anyway, every afternoon Jem has to read to her and sometimes he takes Scout along and what they discover is that Mrs. Dubose is dying. But there’s a problem. You see, she’s been addicted to morphine most of her life and because she’s such a proud woman, she figures that she doesn’t want to die beholden to anything or anyone.”

“Even though the morphine would ease the pain of her dying?” Narnie asked.

“Uh-huh. So her pain-killer is actually Jem reading to her. It takes her mind off it. At the end of the chapter she dies, but she’s free and Jem’s respect for her is intense.”

“My father…he would have made us do that as well.” After a moment Narnie smiled. “Read to me, Jem.”