From What I Remember

“What?” Max says, visibly shaken.

I turn to Juan, who’s staring wide-eyed at the proceedings, and say, “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” This is even too much theatrics for me.

Juan puts his finger to his mouth and says simply, “Shh!” I guess he’s enjoying the show. Why not? They’re all just actors to him.

“Dude,” Charlie says. “It’s not what you think.”

“So, you did hook up?” Max says.

“No. I mean, we were drunk. Lily was upset about you. She didn’t know where you were. We kissed. That’s it.”

“What the fuck?” Max is pissed. The irony here ca

“Max, it didn’t mean anything.” Charlie says this more emphatically, but Max is still staring at him in disbelief.

Charlie is throwing Max’s own words back in his face. Am I the only one who sees what a sham these people are? What hypocrites? All of them messing around on each other, none of it meant to be taken seriously. I wish Kylie hadn’t gotten involved.

“Dude, you’re my best friend,” Max says.

“Max. It. Didn’t. Mean. Anything. It was, like, one kiss.”

Max sits silently. We all do. Lily just watches. I can’t tell if she’s enjoying the havoc she’s wreaked or if she’s so far gone she’s inured to it all.

“It was like kissing a friend,” Charlie says.

“Your best friend’s girlfriend. Which is really fucked up. I mean, where does that leave us?” Max demands.

“You’re like my brother. Max, I was wasted. I’m sorry.” Charlie seems on the verge of tears.

“You macked on my girlfriend. That is unbelievable. You’re my best friend. My best friend.” Max is talking more to himself than to Charlie.

“And you spent the night with another girl. So why do you get to judge me?”

Uh-oh. Here we go.…Buckle up, it’s going to get bumpy.

“Wow…okay. Is that how we’re going to do this?” Max asks Charlie.

There’s a long, awkward moment where it feels like we’re all holding our breath, and then Charlie lets out an audible sigh.

“No. It’s not. Look, I don’t want to go there, dude. Bottom line, it shouldn’t have happened. But it did and I’m really sorry.” Charlie says this in a very measured tone. “I swear to you, it didn’t mean anything because I’m…gay. I’m gay.”

He says it twice. As if we didn’t hear it the first time. Trust me, it made a huge impression on the first go-round.

Even Lily looks stu

Gay? Charlie? I’d like to say “I told you so,” but this doesn’t exactly seem like the right moment.

“You’re what?” Max asks Charlie.

I guess Max does need to hear it a few times before it sinks in. Straight guys can be so dense.

“I’m gay. Okay? I’m gay.”

I hear you, my friend. No need to hit me over the head.

ell, that explains a lot,” Lily says.

“I think it’s awesome news,” Will says.

“Yeah, I bet,” Charlie replies.

Will throws his fist into the air. “Score one for our team!”

My silence is certainly not helping matters. It’s just, I’m not sure what to say. Or how to say it. Way to go? Good job? I’m happy for you? Of course, one of the first things that comes to mind is, is he crushing on me? What about all those times in the locker room? I know it’s a horrible straight-boy cliché. I wish my mind were a slightly more evolved place, but I guess it’s not. I’m having some trouble getting my head around the situation. My best friend is gay. Charlie is gay. I say it in my head a few times, hoping it will register. It doesn’t. I still can’t believe it. It’s not that I’m homophobic, because I’m not. It’s just that you think you know someone so well, and then it turns out you don’t know them at all.

I’m not sure where we are, but we must be closing in on the border, because I see signs everywhere. I have to fight the urge to just jump out of this car and make a run for it. I’d be happy to wander around in Mexico for the afternoon and try to make sense of everything that’s happened. Although, I think it would take a lot more than an afternoon. It might take a lifetime.

I can’t help thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be in this freaking mess if I weren’t so tuned out. How could Lily and I not have talked about her dad? Or my dad? How could I not know that my best friend is gay? It turns out I don’t know shit about anything, myself included.

Everyone is silent. They’re waiting for me to say something.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me? We spend, like, twenty hours a day together.” It’s not the best I could have come up with, but it’s what comes out, unfiltered.

“I sort of didn’t believe it myself for a while. I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s not the easiest thing to talk about—”

“And Max is not the easiest guy to talk to, as I think we’ve established,” Lily says.

I so don’t need her commentary here. I would love to put off this conversation for a few hours, until Charlie and I can grab some time alone.

“Lily, you’re not helping things,” Charlie says.

“Yeah. I know.” Typical Lily.

“At first I thought I could will myself straight—”

“Been there,” Juan shouts out from the back.

“Not me,” Will says.

“But it is what it is. It’s who I am. I’ve been wanting to talk about it all year. There’s never really a right time, though. And I didn’t want everyone to start freaking out, seeing me as some guy they couldn’t hang with, someone they couldn’t be in the locker room with, someone who was going to start crushing on them.”

Fuck. Guilty. I suck.

“You have no idea how many gay jokes I’ve heard over the years, from everyone, including you. It’s not the most tolerant environment, Freiburg.”

“Tell me about it,” Will adds.

I feel awful. I am sure I’ve made a million inappropriate remarks. My first instinct is to say as little as possible and then shut down and hide behind that, but I don’t want to be a wimp anymore. Charlie’s just done something braver than I’ll probably ever do. He deserves better than that from me.

“I’m here for you, man,” I say, lame as it is. This is me, trying. I want to mean it. I’ve never had this conversation before; I’m not sure how it goes. But I still don’t entirely get it.

“What about Janice Smart? And Tracy Lestahl?” I ask. Was Charlie faking it? He seemed so straight for so long.

“It’s been a long process, okay?”

“’Kay, I get it,” I say. I don’t really. But I’m go

No one’s talking. They’re just letting us have this awkward conversation all alone, in a car filled with people.

“So, whatever you need. Just say the word. Nothing changes between us, seriously,” I say.

“Thanks, bro. That means a lot.”

Everybody’s watching, waiting. Suddenly, I start laughing. I don’t know if it’s from the awkwardness of the situation or the absurdity. Or both.

“What?” Charlie asks.

“It’s just, I can’t believe you picked now to tell me. I mean, I’m glad you said something. It’s just, fu

“I know. It’s crazy.” Charlie laughs along with me. It feels good to laugh. Maybe everything will be okay.

“It kinda gives new meaning to the expression, ‘It’s me, not you,’” Lily says. Her lips curl up into a smile and she chuckles to herself. The heaviness lifts, if only a little.

“This has to go down as the most wacked road trip in history,” Kylie says, the edge softening in her voice. Maybe we all will make it out alive.

“Have you told your parents?” Will asks.

“No. Not yet.”

“I have so much to teach you,” Will says.

“Charlie may be gay, Will, but that doesn’t mean you’re suddenly besties or anything. He still finds you totally a