Forbidden

Still gripping her, I stare at her terrified, wild-eyed face and breathe deeply in a frantic effort to organize my thoughts, calm myself, hold back the mounting tears that will only terrify her further. I tighten my grip on her wrists and prepare to grab her should she make a run for the door.

‘Mum isn’t calling Dave,’ I explain, my voice shaking hard. ‘She’s calling the police.’

Maya freezes, her blue eyes wide with shock. Tears hang on her lashes, the colour is gone from her face. The silence in the room is broken only by her frantic gasps.

‘It’s all right,’ I say firmly, struggling to keep my voice steady. ‘In fact it’s a good thing. The police will sort this out. They’ll calm Mum down. They’ll take me away for questioning, but it will only be—’

‘But it’s against the law.’ Maya’s voice is quiet with horror. ‘What just happened. We’ll be arrested because we’ve broken the law.’

I take another deep breath, my lungs cracking under the strain, my throat threatening to close up completely. If I break down, it’s all over. I’ll frighten her so much she’ll stop listening to me and will never agree to what I’m about to suggest. I have to convince her that this is the best way, the only way.

‘Maya, you’ve got to listen, we have to go through this fast, they could be here any minute.’ I stop to catch my breath again. Despite the terror in her eyes, she just nods, waiting for me to continue.

‘OK. First you’ve got to remember that being arrested does not mean going to prison. We won’t be going to prison because we’re only teenagers. But listen to me now: this is very, very important. If we both get arrested, we’ll be kept in for questioning. That could take a few days. Willa and Tiffin will come back to find us gone. Mum will probably be drunk, and even if she’s not, Social Services will be called in by the police and all three kids will be taken away because of what we’ve done. Just imagine Willa, imagine Tiffin, imagine how terrified they’ll be. Willa was worried—’ My voice quavers and I break off for a moment. ‘W-Willa was worried about spending just one night away!’ Tears force their way into my eyes like knives. ‘D’you understand? D’you understand what will happen to them if we both get arrested?’

Maya shakes her head at me in silent horror, mute with shock, fresh tears filling her eyes.

‘There is a way,’ I carry on desperately. ‘There’s a way we can prevent all that. They won’t take them away if there’s one of us here to look after them and cover for Mum. D’you get it, Maya?’ My voice begins to rise. ‘One of us has to stay. It has to be you—’

‘No!’ Maya’s cry slices straight through my heart. I tighten my grip on her wrists as she begins to pull away. ‘No! No!’

‘Maya, if they’re taken away by Social Services, neither of us will ever see them again until they’re adults! They’ll be scarred for life! If you let me go, there’s a good chance I’ll be out in a few days.’ I stare at her, desperately hoping she trusts me enough to believe this lie.

‘You stay!’ Maya looks at me, her eyes imploring. ‘You stay and I’ll go! I’m not scared. Please, Lochie. Let’s do it that way!’

I shake my head in desperation. ‘It won’t work!’ I say frantically. ‘Remember that conversation we had a few weeks ago? No one will believe us if we say it was you who forced me. And if we tell them it was consensual, they’ll arrest us both! We have to do it like this. Don’t you understand? Think, Maya, think! You know there are no other options! If one of us is to stay behind, it has to be you!’

Maya’s whole body crumples forward as the reality hits her. She falls towards me but I ca

‘Please, Maya,’ I beg her. ‘Tell me you’ll do it. Tell me now, right now. Otherwise I’ll go crazy not knowing – not knowing whether you and the others are safe or not. I won’t be able to take it. You’ve got to do it. For me. For us. It’s our only chance to ever be together as a family again.’

She hangs her head, her beautiful amber hair hiding her face from view.

‘Maya—’ A frantic sound escapes me and I give her a shake. ‘Maya!’

She nods silently, without looking up.

‘You’ll do it?’ I ask.

‘I’ll do it,’ she whispers.

Several minutes pass and she doesn’t move. With shaky hands, I wipe the sweat from my face. Then, suddenly, Maya raises her head with a strangled sob and holds out her arms for comfort. I can’t do it. I simply can’t. With a sharp shake of the head, I move away from her, straining my ears for the sound of a siren. A low murmur of voices rises from beneath us – no doubt concerned neighbours, rushing in to comfort our mother. Denied the hug she so desperately needs, Maya seeks comfort instead from a pillow drawn up against her chest. Rocking back and forth, she appears to be in a state of complete shock.

‘There’s one more thing . . .’ I turn to her, realizing suddenly. ‘We – we have to get our stories straight. Otherwise they’ll hold me for longer and you’ll be pulled in repeatedly for questioning and things will get much worse—’

Maya closes her eyes as if to shut me out.

‘We haven’t got time to make anything up,’ I say, my voice catching on every word. ‘We’ll – we’ll just have to tell it exactly how it was. E-everything that happened, how it first started, how long it’s been . . . If our stories don’t match up they could arrest you too. So you’ve got to tell the truth, Maya, d’you understand? Everything – every detail they ask you for!’ I take a frantic breath. ‘The only thing we’re going to add is that – is that I forced you. I forced you into everything we did, Maya. D’you hear me?’

I’m losing control again, the words shaking like the air around me. ‘The first time we kissed, I said you had to go along with it, or – or I’d beat you. I swore that if you told anyone, I’d kill you. You were terrified. You really believed I was capable of it, and so from then on, every time I – I wanted you, you – you just did what I asked.’

She looks up at me in horror, silent tears spilling down her cheeks. ‘They’ll send you to prison!’

‘No.’ I shake my head, struggling to sound as convincing as possible. ‘You’ll simply say you don’t want to press charges. If there’s no accuser, there’ll be no court case. I’ll be out in a few days!’ I stare at her, silently imploring her to believe me.

She frowns and shakes her head slowly, as if desperately trying to comprehend. ‘But that doesn’t make sense . . .’

‘Trust me.’ I’m breathing too fast. ‘Most sexual abuse cases are never taken to court because the victims are too afraid or ashamed to press charges. So you’ll just say you don’t want to press charges, either . . . But, Maya’ – I reach out and grip her arm – ‘you must never, ever say this was consensual. You must never, ever admit to taking part in this freely. I forced you. Whatever they ask, whatever they say, I threatened you. D’you understand?’

A stu

Unconvinced, I grab her roughly by the arms. ‘I don’t believe you! Tell me what happened! What did I do to you?’

She looks up at me, bottom lip quivering, eyes glistening. ‘You raped me,’ she replies, and presses her hands to her mouth to muffle a scream.

We huddle together beneath the duvet one last time. She is curled in towards me, cheek resting against my chest, shaking in shock. I hold her tight, staring up at the ceiling, terrified I will start crying, terrified she will see just how afraid I am, terrified she will suddenly realize that even though she won’t press charges, there’s someone else who will.

‘I d-don’t understand,’ Maya gasps. ‘How could this happen? Why did Mum come back today of all days? How the hell did she get in without her key?’

I’m too stressed to even think about that, or care. The only thing that matters is that we’ve been caught. Reported to the police. I never really thought it could actually come to this.