You Against Me

‘Nothing.’ She sat down on the step and hugged her knees. ‘I mustn’t be long.’

He sat down next to her. She didn’t look at him. If she looked, she’d fall and she’d promised herself she wouldn’t.

He said, ‘Is your dad still giving you a hard time?’

‘He’s mostly going for the silent treatment now.’

‘And how’s your brother?’

‘You want to talk about him?’

‘Why not?’

Because if she talked about Tom, she might give soft parts of herself away. And she mustn’t be weak. She shrugged, pretended not to care. ‘He’s scared mostly. I’m not allowed to see him any more, but that’s what they tell me.’

‘What about your mum – is she being nice?’

‘Yeah, she’s cool. She says reassuring things and I say them back. What about you? How’s your life? You got another job yet?’

‘Not yet. My mum rang up the college though and they really do have an NVQ in catering. You remember when I said about that?’

She nodded. It was the very first night, by the river.

‘Anyway,’ he said, ‘it might come to nothing, but I got the forms and filled them in, so you never know.’ He nudged her. ‘I might see you there in September.’

But she wouldn’t, because if he got into college she’d have to go somewhere else. Maybe there was some great‑aunt no one had told her about who she could stay with? Or perhaps she’d live in her gran’s cottage and do a distance learning course. She’d grow flowers, swim. Let Mikey go.

His foot came off the step and onto the grass next to her foot, and suddenly their two feet were together. Knock, knock, his foot touched hers and it felt like hers was on fire, as if her whole being lived where he touched.

She snatched her foot away and shuffled further along the step. ‘So, what did you want to tell me?’

She kept very still as he pulled out his tobacco and put a cigarette together. ‘It’s about Karyn,’ he said.

‘What about her?’

‘I didn’t want you to find out by text.’

‘Just tell me.’

He lit the rollie behind his cupped hand and took a long drag. He blew it out hard, then looked right at her. ‘She’s going back to school on Tuesday to do her Art exam.’

They looked at each other for a second. It felt like a needle had found the centre of her pain. ‘The same exam as me.’

‘I know.’

The two of them in the same room for the whole day, surrounded by vicious kids who’d treat the whole thing as entertainment.

‘They offered her a room on her own,’ he said, ‘but she didn’t want it. She wants to be the same as everyone else. I thought you should know, but maybe the school told you already.’

‘They didn’t.’

He inched closer. ‘Are you OK?’

She looked away across the lawn to the gate. ‘I could have the room on my own. They could give it to me instead.’

‘Karyn said you’d say that.’

‘Did she? Is that what she wants? That’s fine, I’ll ask them to do that. Or I could take the exam some other time. I’ll do it next year, or something.’

‘Ellie, stop doing this.’

‘Stop doing what?’

‘Punishing yourself.’ He leaned against the door frame so he faced her. ‘It was your brother who hurt Karyn, not you.’

She jumped up. ‘I have to go now.’

‘Is that it? You’re just going to walk away?’

He sighed and stood up. She tried to take notice of everything about him as he rubbed dirt from his jeans, pocketed the tobacco and ambled down the steps. She wanted to think of him later in her room, after he was gone. She loved the easiness of his body, the swing of his hips. He turned on the grass. His eyes were brown and gold. He had long eyelashes. He clenched his teeth, a muscle working there, making his jaw tense. His eyes glimmered with something dark.

It was stupid. How could two people really like each other and not be allowed to be together? Why not? Why couldn’t they? Standing there on the lawn, he felt suddenly furious. She was turning away from the one good thing to come out of this mess.

He took a step back towards her. ‘Come for a walk.’

She shook her head, wouldn’t look at him. ‘I can’t.’

‘Listen, I know you think we hurt everyone by being together, but we fixed things too.’

‘What did we fix?’

‘Karyn’s not stuck in the flat any more.’

‘She wouldn’t’ve been there in the first place if I’d said something sooner.’

That was it, that was what was making him mad. It was like she was caught in some groove of punishing herself. It was exactly what Karyn had done when she locked herself away. Ellie had taken some of the load from Karyn’s shoulders, but now she was carrying it around instead. And it didn’t belong to either of them – it belonged to Tom bloody Parker.

He held out his hand. ‘Come with me. I’m taking you to see Karyn.’

‘What? No!’

‘You did something really difficult to help her and she knows that. You’re so certain she hates you? Ask her yourself.’

She looked horrified. ‘I can’t do that.’

‘Why not? What do you think she’ll do?’

‘I don’t think she’ll do  anything, but it’ll make her feel crap. It took me weeks to tell the truth. I deleted her best evidence!’

‘Because you weren’t sure what the truth was and you didn’t want the pictures on the internet.’ He was surprised how reasonable he sounded, but he was sure of this. ‘Karyn’s getting help – from cops, victim support – she’s not on her own. You have to stand in court and grass your brother up and no one’s going to help you. Even now you could change your mind, but you’re not. In my book, that’s brave.’ He moved a step closer, ‘Come on, let’s go and ask Karyn what she thinks.’

She took a step back. ‘My mum’s calling.’

‘I didn’t hear anything.’

‘Or maybe it was my dad.’

‘Stop it, Ellie. This is me, and I can see exactly what you’re doing. Punishing yourself won’t help.’

‘I’m not doing it on purpose!’ He watched a blush creep like dye across her cheeks. ‘I feel so ashamed.’

‘Karyn doesn’t see it like that.’

‘How does she see it?’

‘I guess she realizes she might have done the same thing as you, if it was the other way round.’

Ellie sighed. The door and the bricks of the house were glazed with sunlight. She was bathed in it.

‘I wrote her a letter,’ she said, ‘but I never sent it. Tom’s still pleading not guilty, you know that, don’t you? Karyn’s going to have to lay down her soul, and all that will happen is everyone will know her private life. It’ll be horrible and actually, nothing will change.’

‘That’s not your fault. Karyn knows the score. She’s always quoting statistics at me.’ He took a step nearer. ‘I know you think I’m a bad influence, and maybe I am, but can’t we at least spend some time together?’ He leaned closer, wanted her to understand that Karyn didn’t mind as much as she thought. Only this morning, Karyn had sussed he was coming here and given him that mocking half‑smile she was so good at. Tell her I’ll come to the wedding, she’d said, but I’m not being bridesmaid. And if that brother of hers is there, I can’t guarantee his safety. He couldn’t tell Ellie that though, it’d freak her out – make her think he was seriously about to propose.

‘Listen,’ he said, ‘Karyn’s out of the flat loads, she has tons of support, and yes, I know your brother’s pleading not guilty, and yes, the court case will be a nightmare, and yes, your dad’s a tosser, and yes, my mum still drinks sherry for breakfast and hides it in the airing cupboard and hopes none of us notice. Miracles don’t happen overnight, Ellie, and we don’t have to fling it in Karyn’s face, but maybe we can grab something good out of this while we can?’

‘Well,’ she said, tilting her head to one side, ‘that’s one way of putting it.’

He laughed. ‘Come for a walk. Get changed out of those pyjamas and let’s go somewhere.’

A bird cried and flapped from one tree to another. They both watched it and it changed something. She softened.