You Against Me

‘Then don’t let them.’

‘There’s only one way to stop them though, isn’t there?’

She nodded.

He watched her steadily for a second, as if he was weighing it up. ‘I’m not brave enough.’

She went over and hugged him. He smelled of cigarettes and her arms reached all the way round. She closed her eyes and held him, and eventually he put his arms round her too.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

She held him closer. ‘It’s OK. Whatever you do, I’ll always love you.’

The rough brush of his skin on her cheek was shocking as he buried himself in her shoulder and a great sob welled up from deep inside him.

‘I’m scared,’ he said. ‘I’m really fucking scared!’

She held him closer as he cried, huge sobs racking through him, like a child. She was crying too now, to be with him like this. She stroked his back. They stood swaying together. Her brother, her beautiful crying brother.

The door opened. ‘What the hell’s going on?’

Tom pulled away, wiped his hands quickly over his face. ‘Nothing. We’re saying goodbye.’

Dad strode across the room. ‘What have you done to him? What did I tell you about coming in here?’ He gripped Tom’s shoulders and made him look at him. ‘You have to be stronger than this.’

Tom winced under his scrutiny. ‘I can’t do it to her, Dad.’

‘You can. You have to.’

He shook his head. ‘You said yourself, it’ll be terrible. You said they’ll break her apart.’

‘Nonsense, it won’t be like that at all.’

‘You said they’ll make her stand in front of everyone and ask her really personal questions.’

Dad grimaced, turned to Ellie and pointed at the door. ‘Go to your room, Eleanor.’

She didn’t move. Tom stood looking from one to the other, fresh tears sliding down his face. It was as if he’d been punctured, losing air and energy. ‘Really, Dad, I can’t do it. I shouldn’t’ve done any of it. It’s all my fault.’

‘So, you’re going to plead guilty, are you?’ Dad dragged him to the bed and made him sit down. ‘You’ll get three or four years in prison, you’ll be on the sex offenders register and come out as a convicted rapist. Is that what you want?’

‘No, but I don’t want this either.’

Dad got a hanky from his pocket and shoved it at him. ‘It’s a ridiculous step to plead guilty, when the conviction rate is so low. You have every chance of getting off.’

Tom listened so hard he forgot to breathe. He listened with every fibre, like he was falling from a mountain and Dad was yelling survival instructions.

‘This new statement means nothing,’ Dad went on, ‘not really, the police said as much. There’s no physical evidence, is there? No photos or videos, or texts, only her word against yours. The incentives for you to plead guilty are non‑existent.’

He talked statistics and attrition rates and made everything seem so polarized – two foolish girls, one misunderstood boy. Tom made the occasional effort to struggle against it, but the simplicity of Dad’s argument was overwhelming. In court, the barrister would discredit both girls. Karyn wanted to sleep with Tom and regretted it later. Ellie was love‑struck by Mikey and would do anything for him. Karyn got drunk and partied too hard. Ellie got seduced and betrayed her family.

There was a hush in the room when Dad finally ran out of words. Ellie noticed a change in herself too, as if her mind had been washed. She felt very cold and still inside.

‘Eleanor?’ Dad whispered into the silence. ‘I told you to leave.’

She nodded goodbye to Tom and he nodded back at her, like polite strangers bidding farewell in a hotel lobby. She closed the door very gently behind her.

Forty‑five

Mikey threw a stone. It missed Ellie’s bedroom window, hit the drainpipe and ricocheted off into a bush. He wasn’t giving up though, not until he’d spoken to her.

He found another stone and lobbed that. It clipped the edge of the window. He waited, crouching on the grass in the quiet garden. But nothing moved. Nothing happened. He rooted around, found a bigger stone and swung his arm back.

The door was yanked open.

Shit! Not Ellie, but her mum. ‘What on earth are you doing?’

‘Is Ellie in?’

Her mum stepped out onto the porch in her dressing gown and slippers. ‘Are you throwing stones at my windows?’

‘They didn’t break.’

‘That’s hardly the point.’

‘Is she in?’

‘Have you heard of a telephone?’

‘She doesn’t pick up.’

‘And what does that tell you?’

It told him Ellie was unhappy, same as he was. It told him they needed to speak.

Her mum folded her arms at him. ‘How did you get in? If you climbed our gate, that’s trespass.’

‘I just want to see her.’

‘And throwing stones at windows is criminal damage, so I suggest you leave before I call the police.’

Behind her, on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, was a black leather briefcase that gleamed. Maybe Ellie’s dad had an early morning visit to the barrister pla

He took a step back to check out the top‑floor windows. ‘Ellie!’ he yelled.

‘Stop it,’ her mum hissed, ‘or I’ll get my husband.’

‘Ellie!’

‘I mean it, stop it now!’

It was a total shock when Ellie appeared in the doorway, suddenly there, behind her mother. She was in her pyjamas. She looked knackered, her eyes bruised with tiredness. He wanted to pick her up and carry her to safety.

She said, ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I had to see you.’

‘Has something happened?’

Her mum barred the door with her arm. ‘Inside!’

Ellie ignored her. ‘Is Karyn OK?’

‘We have to talk.’

Her mum tried to nudge her. ‘Dad’s only in the shower. If he comes down, there’ll be hell to pay.’

Nobody’s dad was scaring him off and he took a step closer to prove it. ‘You haven’t been at school. I waited at the gate every afternoon.’

‘I missed a few days and now I’ve got study leave.’

‘I texted you. You never texted back.’

‘I’m sorry. I thought it was best.’

He shuffled his feet on the grass. ‘There’s something I have to tell you.’

‘Something important?’

‘Kind of.’

She gazed at him steadily for a second, then turned to her mum. ‘Is that OK?’

Her mum glanced behind her, looked uncertain. ‘What about Dad?’

Ellie smiled softly at her. ‘Do you have to tell him?’

Her mum fiddled with a button on her dressing gown. ‘All right, I’ll make some excuse.’ She nodded at Mikey. ‘Make it quick.’

She wandered back up the hallway. Ellie pulled the door shut behind her and looked at him. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

But he was lost for words. When he thought about her, he remembered her at the cottage, her eyes fiery, daring to love him. But standing here in front of him, she looked defeated and sad. He hadn’t imagined this.

She shouldn’t be here with him. She should be up in her room with her revision notes and practice papers, watching the morning stretch across the ceiling. She shouldn’t be in the garden with this strange warmth filtering through her.

‘You want to walk somewhere?’ he said.

She wanted to run, not walk – down to the river and under the trees. For days she’d thought of him and now he was here, so close and beautiful it hurt.

She shook her head. ‘I can’t.’

‘That’s not a reason. Tell me why not.’

What could she say? Because they might kiss again? Because if they did she might not know how to stop, or even if she wanted to? Because Karyn deserved not to be hurt any more? Because Mikey deserved to get on with his life and the best way of doing that was for her to leave him alone?

‘What have they done to you, Ellie?’

Why did she love it so much when he said her name out loud? Like no one else had ever done it.