You Against Me

Thirty‑five

The front door opened before Ellie even made it across the lawn and her mother rushed down the steps, arms open wide.

‘Oh, thank God!’

She hugged her so close, Ellie could feel the sharp angles of her mother’s shoulders and the curve of her ribs through her dress.

‘Mum, you’re hurting me.’

‘I’ve been worried sick. We had absolutely no idea where you were.’ She pressed Ellie closer for a second, then let her go, stepping back to stroke her hair and pat at her arms and face, as if checking she was real. ‘We were about to call the police.’

‘The police?’

‘You’ve been gone for hours, we were desperate.’

Only now did Ellie notice her dad glowering at her from the doorstep. He looked older than he had at breakfast, thin and shabby somehow.

He said, ‘Where the hell have you been?’

‘I’m sorry. I went for a walk.’

‘All this time? In the rain, with no coat?’

‘It was stupid. I didn’t think.’

‘Why did you turn your phone off?’

‘I ended up at the cinema, then I forgot to turn it back on when I came out.’

It sounded crap, hollow, like lines from a play. Her father leaned against the door frame and looked at her, taking her right in, from her scruffy trainers to the crumpled material of her dress. I’m not a virgin any more, Ellie thought as his eyes travelled up to her face. Can you tell? Do I look different?

He said, ‘I’ve spent hours looking for you. Your mother’s been distraught.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Your brother’s up in his room, convinced he’s going to jail. Do you want to explain that one to me?’

The way her father spoke so quietly was terrifying. Ellie felt tears swelling her throat.

‘Do you want to let your daughter inside before you start interrogating her?’ Mum put an arm round Ellie and clutched her hard. ‘She’s shivering out here in the cold. Why don’t you go and put the kettle on or something?’

Her dad looked confused, as if Mum had suggested something so unusual and particular that it made no sense. Then he said, ‘Yes, of course.’

‘You could make some sandwiches as well. I expect Ellie’s hungry, aren’t you?’

It was wonderful having her mother suddenly fierce, as if new ways of being were possible.

‘Does Dad know everything?’ she asked as Mum led her up the steps. ‘Does he know I spoke to you? Does he know Karyn’s telling the truth?’

‘Hush,’ Mum said. ‘It’s not time for that now. Just come and listen to what he has to say.’

She led Ellie up the steps and into the house, sat her down at the kitchen table and got her a blanket, before going off to tell Tom his sister was home. Dad made hot chocolate and scattered biscuits on a plate. He put some bread in the toaster, then leaned against the sink and folded his arms.

He said, ‘You can’t have been in the cinema all this time.’

Ellie looked at her hands on her lap. ‘Well, a few of the shops in town were open, so I looked round them for a while.’

‘That doesn’t take ten hours.’

‘And I had to wait ages for the bus.’

‘Were you on your own?’

She nodded, terrified he’d sussed her. Maybe she smelled different, maybe there was some way fathers knew when their daughters had been touched by a boy for the first time.

He frowned, turned back to his toast. ‘You can’t go trotting about assuming the world is a safe place to be. Anything could have happened to you.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Mum came in with slippers and insisted Ellie take off her wet trainers. Tom sidled in behind her and stood in the doorway watching. His hair was messed up and his eyes were red, as if he’d been crying. Tom never cried, not ever, not when he broke his ankle, not even when he got arrested. Ellie could barely bring herself to look at him.

‘Where did you go?’ he said.

‘Just walking.’

‘All day?’

‘Sort of.’

He slumped himself into the armchair in the corner. ‘I told them you’d be fine. I knew you would be.’

‘Well, I wasn’t as confident,’ Mum said. ‘I was thinking all kinds of terrible things.’

Dad slapped down a plate of toast. ‘Right, now we’ve established the runaway is safe, let’s get down to business. Eleanor – apologize to your brother.’

‘She doesn’t have to,’ Tom said, ‘it’s fine.’

‘She absolutely does have to.’ Dad sat down opposite Ellie and glared at her. ‘I can’t believe you tried to wriggle out of being a witness. Do you know how serious this is? Do you know the trouble you’ve caused?’

‘I wasn’t trying to wriggle out of it.’

‘Your mother asks Barry to reassure you about procedure and you find it necessary to tell him you can’t possibly stand up in court and say a few words in your brother’s defence?’

Ellie shook her head, eyes stinging. ‘It wasn’t like that.’

Dad banged the table with the flat of his hand. ‘After you spoke to him, that damned lawyer locked himself away with Tom for nearly an hour. I wasn’t allowed into my own study, and when they came out, it had been decided not to use you as a witness. What was the word he used, Tom? What was it he said to you?’

‘He said she was wavering.’

‘Wavering, that’s it. What’s that mean, Ellie? You’re a bit nervous? You can’t be bothered? Going to court doesn’t fit in with your busy schedule?’

Ellie shot a look at Tom, over in the corner on the armchair, his legs folded under him. He looked petrified, his eyes liquid dark.

‘It’s difficult to explain.’

‘Difficult? I’ll tell you what’s difficult, my girl – sitting here watching you let your brother down, that’s what.’ He banged the table again and all the cups shivered. ‘I can’t believe you’re being such a coward. Where’s the girl I used to know?’

‘Maybe you don’t know me, Dad. Maybe none of us knows each other.’

Dad stabbed his finger at her across the table. ‘I’ve taken weeks off work. Tom’s given up all hope of doing his A‑levels this year. Your mother’s hardly sleeping at night, worrying herself thin. I can’t remember the last time any of us had a social life. And you casually tell the lawyer you don’t fancy going to court very much, and we’re all supposed to nod our heads and let you get away with it?’

Ellie closed her eyes to shut him out and let him rant. He told her how selfish she was, and how he was going to ground her. He didn’t believe she’d been alone all day and was going to take her phone away. She was obviously being influenced by a bad crowd, he told her, because she was turning into a liar.

It was only half an hour ago that she and Mikey had run from the bus stop. The grass had rippled silver in the dark and there was rain in the air again, clouds low and broody. At the gate, Mikey’s fingers had secretly swept hers.

‘Give me something for courage,’ she’d said. ‘A piece of you to take with me.’

‘What do you want?’

‘What can I have?’

He’d given her his lighter, then kissed her and walked away backwards up the lane. Watching him, Ellie had been amazed at what she’d done, at who she’d become.

Then the door opened and her mum had come ru

‘That’s enough,’ her mother said. ‘You’re upsetting her, can’t you see?’

She reached across the table and cupped Ellie’s chin in her hand. It was weird, like she was about to kiss her. Ellie opened her eyes, tears falling freely. How weary her mother looked.

‘We want to help you,’ she said. ‘It all makes sense now – the business with the vodka and how quiet you’ve been. It’s not too late and you’re not in trouble. Dad’s upset, that’s all. We had no idea you were feeling this scared about court.’

Ellie felt ice cold. She’d told her mother she doubted Tom, hadn’t she? She’d gone into the garden and said she remembered new things. She said Karyn was telling the truth. Why was that conversation being ignored?