You Against Me

‘Wait,’ she said.

She put her hand over his. Had he gone too far? Too fast? If this was Sie

He said, ‘Am I going too fast?’

She shook her head. ‘It’s not that.’

‘What is it then?’

‘I lied to the police.’

His heart sank. Why wasn’t anything ever simple? She was in front of him, confessing, and he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to kiss her.

‘When I made my first statement I said I was asleep all night, and I wasn’t. I’m scared that when you know how important that is, you’re going to hate me.’

‘I won’t ever hate you.’

‘I hope not.’ She touched his belly. Up. Gently. Her fingers ran over the ridges of his ribcage. ‘I want to help Karyn.’

‘I know that.’

She said, ‘So you think this is a good idea then, you and me?’

He said, ‘Yes.’

Then he said, ‘But only if you think so.’

She leaned in close and kissed his chin, the end of his nose, each eyelid.

She said, ‘I missed you so much. I’ve been wanting to touch you for days.’

And he was worth something. Just like that.

Her breath on his face was salt and wood smoke and something underneath that, something sweet and pulsing. He sat very still as her kisses moved to his neck, as her right hand explored his back, all the way down his spine to his belt. If he moved, she might stop and he didn’t want her to stop.

It had never crossed his mind that his body might be special too. No girl had ever taken the time to show him. Or was it that he just hadn’t let them?

Whichever it was, it was like a pulse rising.

Ellie put her hand against his chest and felt his heart through his T‑shirt. He was watching her and she knew she had to decide what happened next.

For the rest of her life, he’d be her first and nothing could ever change it. And if he hated her later because of what she knew about his sister and Tom, then she’d have to live with it. It was now that mattered. Right now. Right here. She watched herself move her hand down to the edge of his T‑shirt.

She’d thought it would be like speaking different languages, because he was experienced and she wasn’t. But she knew what she wanted and somehow she knew what to do. She dared to lift his T‑shirt and he raised his arms like an obedient child and she pulled it over his head. She loved the feeling of power as he melted towards her, the way his breathing changed under her fingers.

‘Do you want me to stop?’ she said.

He shook his head.

They smiled at each other.

They both got it. That’s what was so great. Ellie had never known it was possible for two people to want the exact same thing at the same time.

‘Is this how it is for everyone?’ she whispered.

‘No.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I just do. I’ve never felt this with anyone before.’

‘Serious?’

‘Serious. That isn’t a line.’

‘Kiss me,’ she said.

He did. Everywhere.

Afterwards, he stroked her. It made her shiver and he liked the way her eyes got serious as he stroked the bit where her leg joined her bum. All the little hairs at the top of her thigh stood up under his fingers.

‘You cried,’ he said.

She put her hands over her face. ‘Doesn’t everyone?’

‘Only in songs.’

‘I’m embarrassed!’

‘Don’t be, it’s good. Other girls aren’t like that.’

She peered at him from between her fingers. ‘What are other girls like?’

‘I du

‘Have you slept with lots of them?’

‘Not lots.’

He tried to kiss her again. He didn’t want ghosts in the room sitting around watching them. But she nudged him away and pushed herself up onto her elbows to see him properly. It was dark in the room now the fire had died down.

‘I keep thinking about Karyn,’ she said. ‘Do you?’

‘I keep thinking about your brother crashing in with a gun.’

It was a joke, but she didn’t smile. ‘No one knows we’re here,’ she said. ‘We have to trust each other now, don’t we?’

He pulled her down to him. She smelled great. He stroked her some more and she relaxed against him. They didn’t talk.

The sound of her mobile was piercing – like a bird screaming in their ears.

‘How can it be ringing? There’s no signal here, there’s never any signal.’ She fumbled for it among a sea of clothes, her face terrified. ‘Oh God, it’s my mum. What shall I do?’

‘Answer it, say you’re busy.’

She lobbed it at him as if it was hot. ‘You answer it.’

‘Serious?’

‘No!’ She snatched it back and turned it off, then lay on the carpet and covered her head with her arms. ‘She knows where I am.’

‘How can she?’

‘She knows what I’ve been doing.’

He laughed. ‘She doesn’t. Text her, tell her you’ll call her later.’

‘I forgot about home.’ She sat up again and looked down at him. ‘I forgot about ru

‘You ran out?’

‘Kind of. Oh God! The lawyer will have spoken to Tom. Tom will have spoken to my dad. They’re going to kill me when I get back.’

‘Don’t go. Stay here with me.’

She shook her head, dismissing him. ‘Help me find my stuff.’

It was like watching a spell break. He’d wanted to kiss her again, stay the whole night through, wake up with her.

‘You won’t find your knickers,’ he said.

‘Have you got them?’

‘Might have.’

‘Mikey, please. I have to go.’

‘Tell them you’re at the cinema, say it’s a late film.’

‘They won’t believe me.’

‘Tell them you’re dead, then we can stay as long as we like.’

‘I can’t. You might think I’m brave, but really I’m a coward. Mikey, please, I have to go and deal with this before I get too scared.’

Her knickers looked great in the palm of his hand – lacy and black. He kissed them goodbye, which made her smile.

‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘But if my dad finds out about you too, it’ll make everything a hundred times worse.’

She found her bra, did the clasp up, twisted it round and pulled the strap over her shoulders, like putting a bridle on a horse. She stuck her tongue out at him when she caught him looking, pulled on her dress, did a great wriggle as she smoothed it over her hips.

‘What would your dad do if he knew?’ Mikey asked.

‘Kill me. Kill you. Kill himself.’

‘In that order?’

‘No, actually. He’d kill you first.’

He got dressed quickly while she put on her shoes, then they tidied the room together. He put water on the ashes and spread them out in the grate. She put the cushions and blankets back on the chairs and checked that everything looked the same as when they arrived. It was weird having no electricity, but still being able to see.

‘Can we come here again?’ he said.

‘I don’t know. Thursday maybe we could. I’ve got study leave in the afternoon. If everything’s normal on Thursday, I’ll meet you then.’

She had one hand on the door handle, waiting for him. She hadn’t touched him since the phone rang, and as she shut the door and hid the key, it was like he’d lost something.

‘That’s ages away.’

‘I know, but we have to be careful.’

Was this love? Because it hurt. It was like a bit of glass stuck somewhere important – his heart or his head, and it was throbbing. Already he missed her and they were only just out of the door.

‘Thursday then,’ he agreed.

He took her hand and laced their fingers back together as they walked down the path to the gate.