When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

There are five thousand highway/rail-crossing accidents a

Don’t drive around lowered gates. “Okay, got it.”

Don’t cross in front of a train. “Never thought of that.”

Don’t walk on the tracks. “Check.”

Be aware that trains can’t stop quickly. “Good to know.”

Always expect a train. “This one would probably be tied in to the fact that these are railroad tracks, is that right? Correct me if I’m wrong on this.”

Look for more than one train. “Frankly, this is one I never thought of. Maybe if I remember the others, this one will take care of itself.”

GET DOWN!

Here’s something to think about: In the course of history’s wars, many battles took place in the woods and the countryside. So, sometimes I picture a soldier waking up on a spring morning, wildflowers growing around his tent, birds singing in the trees, perhaps the comforting sound of a brook trickling by in the near distance. And then a ten-pound ca

ON MY HONOR

I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. Apparently, they were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Unfortunately, at that time, I was devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, rude, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, cowardly, dirty and sacrilegious. So I waited a few years and joined the army.

PASS THE MUSTARD

In New York State, the law says that the ingredients of hot dogs can legally include a certain amount or percentage of insect parts and rat droppings. It’s per

missible by law. So, in New York, when you eat a hot dog, you more or less have to hope that the hot dog you’re eating contains only the most nutritious parts of the insects (not just legs and ante

YOU’VE GOT A NICE VOICE, DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?

I’ve been enjoying a new band from England called So Long, Mate! It’s a five-man heavy-metal band, and the reason it’s called So Long, Mate! is because at the end of each performance the other four members of the band kill the lead singer. As a result, the music has a certain urgency to it. Also, it keeps the tours nice and short; it’s basically one night, and then back they go to L.A. to hold auditions. The band plans to have an album ready in the year 2037.

DANNY NEEDS A TORSO

“Hello, this is David Nipplegripper, another insufferable Hollywood movie star who wants you to help some cause or charity merely because I say so. Today, I want to tell you about little Da

NUTS!

Another sign of America’s decline: Because a few people are “sensitive to peanuts” and have “allergies” that might “kill them,” America’s commercial airlines had to stop serving those little bags of peanuts. It wasn’t sufficient that the affected people could simply refuse the peanuts when they were offered; the argument was made that the people who did eat the peanuts were putting “peanut dust” in the air, creating a health hazard for the “victims.” What a load of shit. If someone is in danger of dying from inhaling peanut dust, why aren’t they dead already? Why didn’t they die at a baseball game or at the circus? America has gone soft.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

INSTRUCTIONS: FOLLOW CAREFULLY

Release the handle by pulling down the strap and tightening the fasteners. Press the button and remove the safety cap, then turn the knob to unleash the spring and wind the excess slack onto the spool. Loosen the screws on the plate lid and insert the tabs into the slots. Rotate the control switch a quarter of a turn before lowering the two levers. Then drop the main crank into a neutral position. Be careful not to unscrew the housing before engaging the catch. Plug in and you’re set to go. If smoke fills the room, read the troubleshooting guide at the rear of this manual.

ACTORS, NOT ACTIVISTS

I like the good actors. The real actors. The ones who keep their lives private. Sean Pe

DEAR MA

Dear Ma,

Even though you ‘re dead, I wanted you to know I’m doing real well. No thanks to you, I might add. I now have my own TV show and it’s getting very high ratings. 1 play the part of a guy whose mother dies but it doesn ‘t really bother him. I know they don’t have good reception where you are, so I’m going to send you a tape. Do you think a tape will be okay in the intense heat? Love, Dirk

TEAMS SUCK!

I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn kids: “Somewhere along the way, someone

is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.1 What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.’ ” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, ”We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.

IN THE GROOVE

You ever run over a guy with your car? And you kind of panic? So you back up? And run over him a second time? And then you realize you have to get the fuck outta there before the police show up? So you put it in drive again and run over him a third time? What the fuckmight as well. What else you go

PRIDE GOETH . . .

Parents are such fuckin’ doofuses. I saw a bumper sticker that said “Proud parents of a sailor.” What the fuck is so special about being a sailor? How about “Proud parents of a tailor”? Isn’t a tailor worthy, too? The whole “proud parent” thing is bullshit. Pretty soon I’m expecting to see “Proud parents of a child.” Have a little self-respect, will ya? You never see the children with

bumper stickers that say “Proud son of Mr. & Mrs. Klayman.” That’s because Mr. & Mrs. Klayman are such fuckin’ doofuses.

I’M IN THE MORAL MINORITY

I don’t think there’s really such a thing as morality. I think it’s a human construct designed to facilitate the control of people. Values, ethics, legal standards all of these things are human-generated, and they’re lumped under some vague idea called morality. But suppose humans got it wrong? Suppose there’s no actual, objective morality? Suppose there’s just a natural, worldly, secular, common-sense standard of behavior whose purpose is what’s best for getting along and what’s best for survival? That would be a good system. Why should a system like that be overlaid with a sense of spooky, mystical, judgmental oversight?