When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

PROBLEMS AND ISSUES

As you know, people no longer have, problems in this country, they have issues. This shift grows out of our increasingly desperate need to shade the truth and see things as more positive than they really are. Problems sound negative and ordinary; issues sound important, worthy of attention. People are proud to a

As with everything in American culture, the use of the word spread indiscriminately to the point where it, of course, lost all its usefulness: During the murder case in San Francisco in 2001 in which two dogs mauled a woman to death, one of the neighbors said, “Everyone knew those dogs had issues with females.” Commercials picked it up: L’Oreal says, “Mature skin has issues all its own.” An adult diaper commercial informs me that “Many women have bladder-control issues.”

So now people have all these issues: trust issues, boundary issues, abandonment issues, personal-space issues. Clearly, I have a problem with this word, but problem has lost its power, cheapened by the careless use of expres-

sions like, ”What’s your problem?” “You got a problem with that,” “No problem,” and, for those truly in a hurry, “No prob.”

I needed a new word, and I refuse to say “issues.” So, instead, I turned to that ultimate source of creative language-bending, our nation’s capital. I heard a prominent senator, when asked if some issue presented a problem for him, say, “Well, it’s not a problem, but it is a concern. “And I thought, Wow, another choice for people who refuse to acknowledge problems. I adopted it immediately. But I hope concern doesn’t catch on to the point where it becomes a problem. After all this trouble, I’d hate to have to deal with concern issues.

THE SECRET NEWS (News ticker sound effect)

ANNOUNCER: (whispering)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Secret News.

(News ticker gets louder.) ANNOUNCER: Shhhhh! (Ticker lowers.)

ANNOUNCER:

Here is the Secret News:

All people are afraid.

No one knows what they’re doing.

Everything is getting worse.

Some people deserve to die.

Your money is worthless.

No one is properly dressed.

At least one of your children will disappoint you.

The system is rigged.

Your house will never be completely clean.

All teachers are incompetent.

There are people who really dislike you.

Nothing is as good as it seems.

Things don’t last.

No one is paying attention.

The country is dying.

God doesn’t care.

Shhhhh.?