When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

TRUE FACT: There is actually an erotic wrestler.

When I’m in someone’s house and I see something I want that’s small and easy to conceal, I steal it. It’s my belief that property belongs to the person who wants it most.

Whatever became of alpha-carotene?

I wonder what kind of masturbation fantasies Stephen King has.

I also wonder if anyone has ever masturbated while fantasizing about having sex with a live chicken. Usually, I wonder about these things while I’m masturbating.

Isaiah said, “They shall beat their swords into ploughshares and their spears into pruning hooks . . .” Let me ask you something. When was the last time you heard of someone who made a fortune selling ploughshares and pruning hooks?

You’re probably thinking to yourselves right now, “I wonder what he thinks I’m thinking right now.” Or, you may be thinking, UI wonder when he’s going to say, ‘You re probably thinking to yourselves right now, I wonder what he thinks I’m thinking right now.’ ” Or you could be thinking, “I wonder when he’s going to wonder when I . . .” Well, maybe not.

Hey, guys, did you ever get your balls caught in the toaster when it was turned all the way up to dark brown, and your wife was trying to rub butter on your balls, and your pit bull was in the kitchen and he really loves butter? It’s an awful feeling.

When I’m writing, I always like to have the TV playing in the background. I usually try to find a program that’s interesting enough to leave on, but stupid enough to ignore.

I think sometimes the word overseas is pluralized u

This statement is untrue.

Regarding astrology: An obstetrician or a maternity nurse who weighs between one hundred and two hundred pounds actually exerts a greater gravitational force on a baby at the time of its birth than do any of the distant planets that are said to influence a person’s personality and destiny. Why aren’t these bulky, proximate objects factored into the astrological charts that are so carefully laid out?

There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?

Whenever I hear that someone lives in a gated community I think of places like Auschwitz.

TRUE FACT: There is actually such a thing as the Paralyzed Veterans of America. And I wonder, Who answers the phone?

Until you’re a certain age, you don’t have anything to “put behind you.’ That’s what life seems to be: a process of doing things that eventually you just want to put behind you.

There are now murderous turf-wars going on in which people are being brutally killed over the right to sell a substance called ecstasy.

You know something you don’t see anymore? The sacking of a city. Rome and Constantinople were good examples. Next time we win a war, we ought to sack the capital of the country we defeat. “US. TROOPS SACK BAGHDAD.” Wouldn’t that be good? I guess we do our sacking in subder ways. Through the business community.

I think they ought to have really fast escalators that you have to jump on and off, and if you get hurt, too bad.

When I notice a dead fly on the windowsillone that wasn’t there the day beforeI always wonder how he died. I wonder if he had a stroke,

or maybe a little fly heart attack. Then I think maybe he’s just pretending to be dead so I won’t swat him. So I swat him.

Here’s a tip from the power and light company on saving energy: If you have elderly people living with you, cut back on their heat and light. Old people often exaggerate how cold they feel.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

I was thinking the other day that one kid who’s really go

TELL PIERRE I SAID HELLO

HANK: I’m going up to San Francisco this weekend. FRANK: Oh. Well, tell Pierre I said hello.

HANK: Actually, I knew you would say that, so I took the liberty of calling him and telling him you said hello. He said in that case to tell you he also says hello. So, “Hello” from Pierre. And he said to add, “How’s it going’?”

FRANK: Oh, that’s great. Well tell him everything’s going just fine. And don’t forget to say, “How are you?”

HANK: Well, he and I knew you would ask that, and so Pierre has authorized me to say that he’s glad you’re fine, but that he hasn’t been feeling too well lately.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FRANK: Oh. Well, tell him I’m sorry to hear that and I hope...

HANK: He says he knew you would be sorry to hear that, but he thinks it will blow over.

FRANK: Well, tell him if it doesn’t I have a great doctor in San Francisco. Gi

HANK: Pierre says he knew you had a great doctor, but he wasn t aware he was located in San Francisco. He also says he didn’t know you and Gi

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FRANK: Tell him Gi