When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

I can tell you this: Although he looked quite unusual, and he smelled godawful, I was glad I could be there for him when he needed me.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BODY OF WORK: PART 2 TOENAIL CLIPPINGS

Saving the little things we remove from our bodies comes from our natural curiosity. We all have it. We’re curious about ourselves, we’re curious about our bodies, so were curious about the little parts that we clip, snip, pluck, pull or pick off of ourselves. Toenail clippings are a good example.

I’ll set the scene for you: You’re sittin’ on the bed at home one night, and something’ really shitty comes on TV. Like a regularly scheduled, prime-time network program. And you think, “Well, I’m not go

So you start to clip your toenails. And every time you clip one of them, the little clipped part flies several feet away. You notice that? These things fly all over the bed. So when you’re finished clipping, you have to gather them all back into a little pile. You can’t leave them all over the bed, they make dents in your legs. You don’t need that. You have to gather them back into a pile. And did you ever notice this? The bigger the pile gets, the more pride you have in the pile.

“Look at this, Honey. The biggest pile of toenail clippings we’ve had in this house since the day the Big Bopper died. Get the fuckin’ camcorder! Call

the Museum of Natural History! Tell them we have a good idea for one of those diorama things.”

And then you search the bed for the largest clipping of all, the biggest one you can find, usually from the big toe, and you bend it for a while. Don’t you? Yes! You do! You bend it, you squeeze it, you play with it. You have to. Why? Because you can! Because it’s still lively and viable; it just came off your body, there his still moisture in it. It’s almost alive!!

And sometimes I save my toenail clippings overnight. Do you ever do that. You put em in an ashtray and try to save them till the morning? Its no use. They’re no good in the morning; they’re too dry. You cant bend them. I say, fuck em, throw em away. Who needs unbendable toenails? Not me. I’m not that sick. I don’t need parts that badly. No sir.

PICK OF THE LITTER

Little things, folks. Little things you pick off your bodyand your curiosity about them. Especially if its something you can’t really see before you pick it off.

For instance, you know how sometimes you’re picking your ass? You know what I mean, just standing out in the driveway, idly picking your ass? And as you’re picking and probing, you come across something that seems to be … a small object! And let’s be real, here, folks. After you manage to pull it free, don’t you smell it? Just a little bit? Sure you do. You have to, it’s only natural. And you get excited!

“Honey, c’mere! Look! (He sniffs) You want a couple of hits off this thing? While it’s still fresh? Remind me, baby. Did we eat at Fatburger this week? We did? (Sniffs again) Well, I don’t remember orderin anything that smelled like this. I believe this is a Shitburger. You know, tastes like a burger, smells like shit. Actually, it smells more like Ethel Merman. Call that Andrew Lloyd Webber fella. Tell him we have a great idea for one of those fine shows he’s always

puttin’ on Broadway. Then gimme the scrapbook, baby. This son of a bitch is going’ right next to that Lithuanian toe-jam we found at the Olympics.” It’s an exciting moment the whole family can enjoy.

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

(Two bachelors at a neighborhood bar.)

CHESTER: Tomorrow’s my fortieth birthday. I gotta go get candles and pick up my cake.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: You’re buyin’ your own birthday cake?

CHESTER: No, I ain’t buyin’ my own birthday cake. My mother’s buyin’ it, I’m just pickin’ it up. She’s givin’ me a surprise party but she don’t feel good, so she can’t pick up the cake.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: It’s a surprise party, and you’re pickin1 up the...

CHESTER: I ain’t go

LESTER: But how can it be a surprise party if you’re pickin’ up the cake and you know the party is comin ?

CHESTER: I don’t know when it’s comin’, do 1? It could be eight in the morning, it could be midnight.

LESTER: Eight in the morning? How can you have a birthday party at eight in the morning? Who the fuck is go

CHESTER: Don’t laugh, my mother would do it. One year, on my birthday, I got drunk and didn’t come home. She threw the party without me.

LESTER: What’d she sing? “Happy Birthday to Him”? CHESTER: You’re a fuckin’ riot, ya know that? LESTER: How many candles ya go

CHESTER: Well, we already got sixteen from my kid’s birthday last year, and twenty-four is how many come in a box. I’m forty, so I only gotta get one box. I guess I could go ahead and get two boxes and leave my kid’s candles alone, but two boxes would be forty-eight candles, and what am I go

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: Save ‘em?

CHESTER: Don’t laugh. At my house we do save ‘em. In fact, we don’t even light ‘em up.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: Why not?

CHESTER: Well, if you light em up, they look crappy the next time you wa

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: Right.

CHESTER: Well, we only had sixty candles on hand, ’cause that’s all we ever need for my mothershe’s one of them people, when she turned sixty she decided to “stop havin’ birthdays.” So sixty is all we need. Two and a half boxes. So we bought three boxes. But that’s seventy-two, givin’ us twelve left over. Right?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: I’m takin’ your word for it.

CHESTER: Trust me, okay? So, we got twelve extra candles, and we decided to give them to my niece. She was just turnin’ thirty-six, and she already had a brand-new box of twenty-four of her own. She’s a widow with no kids, so she don’t need too many candles. I think maybe on her cat’s birthday or some-thin’ she sticks one on a cupcake. So with her, a box lasts a long time.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: Keep going’.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

CHESTER: Anyway, like I say, it’s my grandfather’s...

day and we only had sixty candles. That means we need thirty-six more, a box and a half. So we borrow thirty-six from my brother. He had two full boxes, because in about six months it’s his forty-eighth birthday. But that’s still a ways off, so we borrow thirty-six from him, which leaves him with twelve, and that works out nice, because his kid is go

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LESTER: You got an interesting family.

CHESTER: Anyways, we put the ninety-six candles on my grandfather his cake, and we start to light them up, okay? But there’s so many of them, that by the time we get the last one lit, half of them are just little holes in the frosting with smoke comin’ out. But if you looked down into the holes, you could still see the flames. So, my grandfather blew out all ninety-six candles, but he had to do ‘em one at the time because he had to blow down each individual hole. Plus he’s short-winded. You know the good part?

LESTER: I can’t imagine. CHESTER: He got ninety-six different wishes. LESTER: Did any of em come true? CHESTER: I think three.