When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

(Music, applause up and out)

THREE SHORT CONVERSATIONS BLESS ME, FATHER

PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have si

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

PRIEST: I’m not really a priest, son. I’m just cleaning the...

THANKSGIVING, IN THE KITCHEN

BART: You look great in that dress, Marian. Really sexy. I was thinkin’, if, God forbid, something ever happened to Joe and Estelle, I’d sure like to spend some time with you.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MARIAN: I feel the same way about you, Ban.

BART: Really? Look, maybe we wouldn’t have to wait for something to happen to Joe and Estelle. Whaddya think?

WALK/DON’T WALK

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

JOEY: I heard Phil Hanley died. What happened?

SID: It’s the strangest thing. He was walkin’ down Fifth Avenue on his way to Times Square. He took a right at Forty-second Street and headed over to Broadway. He was just strollin’ along, mindin’ his own business, when suddenly a big chunk of concrete fell on him and crushed him to death.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

JOEY: Jesus! What a way to go!

SID: I know. I woulda taken a right at Fiftieth Street, gone over to Broadway and then headed down to Times Square.

UNCLE LOCHINVAR

Uncle Lochinvar, although a moral vegetarian who only ate meat if the animal had died in its sleep, once punched out his twin daughters because they wouldn’t lend him fifteen cents. He could speak seven languages, but unfortunately, he was disliked in all those countries. His hobby was visiting cemeteries in poor areas and guessing which people had the worst lives. He fell in love with a fish dentist named Chiquita, and a week later she died from using infected toilet paper while watching a TV show called Progress in Medicine. Inconsolable, Lochinvar, after composing his own epitaph, “Believe me, I wasn’t a schmuck,” died as part of a group-enema suicide pact.

UNCLE SHERLOCK

Uncle Sherlock was a proctologist’s mate in the navy who fought in Korea and the Philippines. Unfortunately, it was just last year and he was jailed in both countries. He was the only man ever brought before the World Court for unpaid parking tickets. His personal checks did not depict nature scenes, they showed animal euthanasia and the Allied fire-bombing of Dresden. During a bungee jump, he fell in love with a Dutch courtroom artist and they were mar

ried in a windmill the next day, during a relative calm. They drifted apart when he realized that all she wanted to do was sit for hours and listen to skiing on the radio. Later he moved to Milan and was killed when a riot broke out at the La Scala candy counter during the second act of Rigoletto.

UNCLE DAGWOOD

Uncle Dagwood was a fun guy. He once claimed the most difficult thing he ever did was to take a shit in a phone booth without removing his overcoat. He met his wife, Spatula, at a UFO convention where she was conducting a basketball clinic for abductees. The instant they met, Dagwood knew she was his kind of woman: She had peach preserves in her hair and brown gravy caked on her neck. Spatula worked for years as an unregistered nurse and eventually ran off with an ironmonger. She and her new lover, Rolf, died in a blimp fire over Newfoundland, and Dagwood was killed in a Barcalounger, having rough sex with a Norwegian fisherman.

UNCLE LUCIFER

Uncle Lucifer was my most interesting uncle. He was an elk hunter, but he wouldn’t kill the elk. Instead, he would chase it down, knock it to the ground and suck all the gristle out of its neck through a Donald Duck straw. He was fun to be with; he could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and then vomit up the vowels and consonants separately. His hobby was attending reunions of groups he never belonged to and pretending to be people who were long dead. Till the end of his days, Lucifer remained bitter that when he was a boy there had been no seedless red grapes. He died in

an Indiana furniture outlet when he was torn to pieces by a pack of Cape hunting dogs.

CHILD CARE TIP

Never use a hammer to smooth out the lumps on a newborn baby’s head. Instead, wrap a soft, clean cloth around a ten-inch length of wood and pound each lump repeatedly until the larger ones are gone and the area is smooth. Follow up by rubbing vigorously with a wire brush. Remember, never use a hammer on a child of any age, especially an infant.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

NEWS REPORT: THE DEATH OF HUMPTY DUMPTY

ANCHORMAN: From the Nursery Newsroom, this is Keith Blanchgetter. A mystery on the West Side today with the apparent death of the beloved Humpty Dumpty. We begin our Action Central News team coverage tonight with Joanie Wong at the scene of the tragedy.

WONG: Thank you. Dan. Well, it’s true, Humpty Dumpty is dead. The cause of death was apparently a great fall from this wall behind me.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

ANCHORMAN: Joanie, what’s the scene like out there right...

WONG: Well, as you can see, police have taped off the area and are treating it as a crime scene, and no one seems to know why. According to one eyewitness, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but were unable to do so. We have with us now one of the king’s men. What is your name sir?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: Dooley. Kevin Dooley. WONG: And you’re one of...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: That’s right. I’ve been one of the king’s men...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: And were you the first on the scene?

KING’S MAN: That is correct. My partner and I responded to a 10-43. That’s an egg-ona-wall.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Egg on a wall?

KINGS MAN: Right. It’s a routine call, we get them all the time. Usually, by the time we arrive the egg is gone. Or else we arrive and the egg is intoxicated and we have to remove him.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: And what was different this time?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: Well, this time we’ve got a dead egg on our...

either fell or jumped. There’s a chance he was pushed; we can’t rule it out.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Is that why you’re treating it as a crime scene?

KING’S MAN: That is correct. Crime-scene people are checking the area for trace evidence. Hair and fibers, stuff like that.

WONG: We’ve been told that all the kings horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

KING’S MAN: That’s not completely true. Some of the king his horses and a few of the king’s men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They re needed for parades.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: So they weren’t able to put him back together again?

KING’S MAN: No. He never had a chance. His yolk was broken. Once the yolk is gone on these eggs, it’s all over.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Do the police have any theories?

KING’S MAN: We’re developing leads at this time, questioning some other eggs who were seen with him earlier today. Apparently, there was some drinking going on at a picnic. All in all, we’re told there were about a dozen eggs out there, and I guess it got pretty rowdy. They were singing dirty songs and harassing females.