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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

Карлин Джордж (EN)

“HOMICIDE BOMBERS”

And in spite of what Bush has been ordered to say, they’re not homicide bombers, either. All bombings are intended to kill people, to produce homicides. Anyone who packs a bomb with nails and bits of steel, and sets it off in a public place, is hoping to commit homicide. This is true of any bomb, whether you drop it out of an airplane or leave it on a doorstep; you’re hoping to kill people. That’s the purpose. Killing people. In the case of these so-called suicide bombs, what’s different is that the people setting them off are intentionally ending their own lives in the process. That’s why we confuse the act with suicide.

HUMAN SHIELDS

During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That’s not accurate. Although it’s true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren’t being used as human shields. Got that?

COWARDS

Bush calls the al Qaeda people cowards, and says, “They like to hide.” Well, isn’t that what the American Continental Army did during the American Revolution? Our beloved patriots? They hid. They hid behind trees. Then they came out, killed some British soldiers, and ran away. Just like al Qaeda. That’s what you do when you’re outnumbered and have less firepower than the enemy. It’s called “trying to win.” It his not cowardly.

Bill Maher may have stretched the point a bit when he said that air force pilots who release their bombs from hundreds of miles away are cowards; fly

ing combat jets doesn’t attract many cowards. But it’s not nearly as courageous an act as deliberately strapping a bomb to your chest and heading for the disco with no intention of dancing.

I will say this. Getting out of the Vietnam war through Daddy’s co

“HEROES” WHO “DIED FOR THEIR COUNTRY”

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey said that changing the name of Newark Airport to Liberty International Airport would be a way of honoring “the more than 3,000 heroes who died for their country in the World Trade Center.” Pardon me for pointing this out, folks, but stock traders, clerks, receptionists, cooks, waiters and building maintenance people in the World Trade Center didn’t die for their country. They died because they went to work. Not one of them would have shown up for work that day if you had told them they would die as a result. Try to get your heroes straight.

Not everyone who died in 9/11 was a hero. Hero is a very special word, that’s why we reserve it for certain special people. Not every fireman and policeman who was on duty that day was a hero. The ones who risked or lost their lives trying to rescue people were heroes. They acted heroically. The others probably did a good job and were very helpful, but heroes?

If everyone’s a hero, then the word doesn’t mean much anymore. And sooner or later we’ll have to give the real heroes (the heroic ones) a new name, to distinguish them from the rest of the pack. Too bad “superheroes” is already taken; it would have been perfect. But relax, folks, if I know us, “megahero” can’t be too far over the horizon. Although to be honest, I kind of like the alliteration in “hyperhero.” Let’s shoot for that.

WAR, GOD, STUFF LIKE THAT

These anti-war demonstrators are really unimpressive people. They’re against war? How groundbreaking; what a courageous stand. Listen, angry asshole, pick something difficult. Like religion. Why don’t you get out on the street and start marching around against religionsomething that’s really harmful to mankind. War is simply nature’s way of doing things; of keeping down the count. Religion is the problem. Get rid of religion and you’ve done the planet a favor. So how about getting out there next weekend and marching around with a sign that says HO HO HO! RELIGION MUST GO!? Come on, protesters, show some balls.

. . . AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON

I can’t understand what it is people like about John Wayne movies; I think they suck. I find him inauthentic. Sometimes, when I’m clicking around the cha

DON’T ASK THE DOCTOR

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, folks. This is Pedro Fleming. Welcome to Don’t Ask the Doctor, America’s only medical advice program based on questions that are not pertinent to the field of medicine. Here is our medical expert, Dr. Ned Gittles. How are you today, Doctor?