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Chicago, May 1: Police a
May 6: Here is further news on that North Side dismemberment. Police
have now found a set of blond sideburns, a lower lip, two matching buttocks, a middle finger, a knee and two and a half grams of armpit hair. As yet they have no identification, but sources say they’re glad that at least it’s still only one person they appear to be finding.
May 12: More on the dismemberment story: The police theory that they were dealing with only one body was shattered today when they discovered forty-four male nipples in a vending machine. Twenty-six of the nipples have hair, eighteen do not. One of them has a nipple ring inscribed LONNIE AND MARIE. They have also come across a belly button, a calf and several hundred warts, all found in a Hooters parking lot. Lint from the belly button leads police to believe the navel’s owner was wearing a plaid shirt. The investigation continues.
May 23: Here is the latest from the North Side: Police are now puzzled as to just how many bodies are involved. Today they found an Adam’s apple, a hunchback, six heels, a pair of un-matching nostrils, a large bag of freckles, two dozen additional belly buttons, a blond goatee, half a neck, and a suitcase full of knuckles. They say all the knuckles have recently been cracked. Ca
LETTER TO A FRIEND
Dear Ma
It was great to see you at the hospital last Sunday. You looked good and sounded very positive about yourself. Each time I visit, I can see how
much you’ve improved, I will say, though, it was a lot more fun when you were really fucked up and couldn’t remember anything.
Sincerely, Arlo
KrellingfonTs Restaurant: Cooking Tips
Here are todays cooking tips from Krellingford’s Family Restaurant: Hamburger meat that has become slightly hardened by sitting at room temperature for more than nine days can be perked up by soaking it in a mixture of gasoline and varnish remover. Soak the meat overnight and leave it in the sun for several days. Be sure to add a lot of extra-hot spices to offset the gasoline taste. Then try to put the meat to use immediately. By the way, food prepared this way should never be cooked over an open flame.
Here’s another valuable cooking tip: You can prepare a delicious stew with just a volleyball, an old fatigue hat and six gallons of bathwater. Put the ingredients in a big pot and cook for thirty-six hours, or until the volleyball is tender. Serves twelve. Excellent with broccoli or corn. Try it over the holidays when the people you serve it to are people you don’t see too often.
That’s it, folks. Remember, these cooking tips are brought to you by Krellingford’s, the home of the Ham and Cheese Caramel Corn Flake Surprise. Why not drop by and take a chance? No one lives forever.
UNCLE D’ARTAGNAN
Uncle d’Artagnan was known as a fancy dan, because he circumcised himself with pinking shears. His wife, Velveeta, the only woman ever to go down on
Newt Gingrich, claimed that to the very end, d’Artagnan wore a golden tassel on his penis. He once told me that as a young man he caught the clap from one of the Doublemint twins and gave it to the other on the same night. He was a lot of fun. He could make his cat shit by pointing the TV remote at it and pressing the VOLUME button. His hobby was falling to the floor in hotel lobbies and pretending to have a stroke. Eventually, he was beaten to death with a cello by a classical musician he befriended at a juice bar.
UNCLE TONTO
Uncle Tonto had a tough life; intercourse with a pelican is not an easy thing to live down. He drank excessively. One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date. At parties, he was the designated drinker, his preference being creme de menthe, Sterno and goat droppings. When stopped and tested by police, he usually set the Breathalyzer on fire. Refusing to drive when he was sober, in the mornings he rode to work on an electric floor buffer, claiming the one drawback was the time he wasted traveling from side to side. He was sentenced to ten years for defecating in a cathedral, but was released immediately when the warden felt Tonto was lowering the prisons standards. After his release, he hitchhiked through Pe
UNCLE JUDAS
Uncle Judas, a man smaller than life, never had a heyday. He peaked in third grade. Not only did opportunity fail to knock, it had deliberately thrown away
his address. His existence was so boring he once proudly showed me his neighbor’s parking space. In an effort to improve his life, he decided to sell his soul; unfortunately, he sold it on eBay and was never paid. He didn’t accomplish much; his autobiography was entitled Whaddya Want from Me? One thing he did take pride in: He was one of the few men who, at the age of eighty-five, could still remember the names of all his dentists. He died on the feast of St. Dismas, after mistakenly eating a bag of after-di
UNCLE MONTEZUMA
Uncle Montezuma wasn’t too bright; he thought Irving Berlin was the Jewish section of Germany. As a young man he wanted to be a gynecologist, but claimed he couldn’t find an opening. He was proud of the fact that while serving a prison term for sodomizing a prairie dog, he learned to drink beer through his nose. For years, he managed a gay car wash but lost all his money investing in a roadside sausage museum. His last job was managing a Playboy club in Auschwitz. When he retired, he wasn’t given a gold watch, but his former boss would call him once a week and tell him what time it was. Finally, after marrying a woman who had repeatedly blown Strom Thurmond during a military funeral, he died from eating a batch of carelessly made hollandaise sauce.
EUPHEMISMS: Hotel Lingo
There is no part of American life that hasn’t been soiled by the new, softer, artificial language. It’s everywhere. When you travel, you notice it in the hotel business,
or as they prefer to think of themselves now, the hospitality industry. And by the way, hotels are one more place where you will run into job-title inflation.
There was a time in a hotel when you checked in with the desk clerk; now he’s the front-desk agent. But when he answers the phone he becomes guest services. I guess it’s only fair, everyone else in the hotel has been upgraded. The bellhop has somehow become a luggage assistant, and he claims to work in luggage services. The maids have been upgraded several times over the years: cleaning woman, maid, housekeeper’, now they’re room attendants.
And on the subject of rooms, depending on where you’re staying, room service is likely to be called in-room dining. Or private dining. One brochure I read called it your private dining experience. Pretentiousness. Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. Here’s another example of it:
At one hotel where I stayed, the restaurant was temporarily located on the lower level. I was told the reason was that they were undergoing restaurant enhancement. Okay? The concierge actually uttered that phrase. Not remodeling restaurant enhancement. And he said it as if it were something people say all the time.
By the way, I shouldn’t have to remind you that that lower level he. referred to was once called the basement. I guess I don’t really mind the phrase lower level; at least it’s descriptive, although it is the comparative form and not an absolute. Lower than what? It also bothers me when they tell me the gym is located on level three. Level three is just plain old pretentiousness.