Brain Droppings

Hi! How are ya? You got your stuff with you? I’ll bet you do. Guys have stuff in their pockets; women have stuff jn their purses. Of course, some women have pockets, and some guys have purses. That’s okay. There’s all different ways; of carryin’ your stuff.

Then there’s all the stuff you have in your car. You ;got ^ stuff in the trunk. Lotta different stuff: spare tire, jack, to<ols, old blanket, extra pair of sneakers. Just in case you wind Up barefoot on the highway some night.

And you’ve got other stuff in your car. In the glove b,0X-K Stuff you might need in a hurry: flashlight, map, sunglasises>

brain droppings automatic weapon. You know. Just in case you wind up barefoot on the highway some night.

So stuff is important. You gotta take care of your stuff. You gotta have a place for your stuff. Everybody’s gotta have a place for their stuff. That’s what life is all about, tryin’ to find a place for your stuff! That’s all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time.

A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you’re taking off in an airplane. You look down and see all the little piles of stuff. Everybody’s got his own little pile of stuff. And they lock it up! That’s right! When you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn’t want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. ‘Cause they always take the good stuff! They don’t bother with that crap you’re saving. Ain’t nobody interested in your fourth-grade arithmetic papers. National Geographies, commemorative plates, your prize collection of Navajo underwear; they’re not interested. They just want the good stuff; the shiny stuff; the electronic stuff.

So when you get right down to it, your house is nothing more than a place to keep your stuff. . . while you go out and get . . . more stuff. ‘Cause that’s what this country is all about. Tryin’ to get more stuff. Stuff you don’t want, stuff you don’t need, stuff that’s poorly made, stuff that’s overpriced. Even stuff you can’t afford! Gotta keep on gettin’ more stuff. Otherwise someone else might wind up with more stuff. Can’t let that happen. Gotta have the most stuff.

0 R C E C A R L I N So you keep gettin’ more and more stuff, and puttin’ it in (y different places. In the closets, in the attic, in the basement, in the garage. And there might even be some stuff you left at your parents’ house: baseball cards, comic books, photographs, souvenirs. Actually, your parents threw that stuff out long ago. ^ So now you got a houseful of stuff. And, even though you might like your house, you gotta move. Gotta get a big- ger house. Why? Too much stuff! And that means you gotta move all your stuff. Or maybe, put some of your stuff in storage. Storage! Imagine that. There’s a whole industry based on keepin’ an eye on other people’s stuff.

Or maybe you could sell some of your stuff. Have a yard sale, have a garage sale! Some people drive around all week- 0′ end just lookin’ for garage sales. They don’t have enough of their own stuff, they wa

Or you could take your stuff to the swap meet, the flea market, the rummage sale, or the auction. There’s a lotta ways to get rid of stuff. You can even give your stuff away. . The Salvation Army and Goodwill will actually come to your house and pick up your stuff and give it to people who don’t have much stuff. It’s part of what economists call the Redistribution of Stuff. OK, enough about your stuff. Let’s talk about other people’s ^ stuff. Have you ever noticed when you visit someone else’s house, you never quite feel at home? You know why? No room for your stuff! Somebody else’s stuff is all over the place. And what crummy stuff it is! “God! Where’d they get this stuff?”

And you know how sometimes when you’re visiting someone, you unexpectedly have to stay overnight? It gets

brain droppings real late, and you decide to stay over? So they put you in a bedroom they don’t use too often . . . because Grandma died in it eleven years ago! And they haven’t moved any of her stuff? Not even the vaporizer?

Or whatever room they put you in, there’s usually a dresser or a nightstand, and there’s never any room on it for your stuff. Someone else’s shit is on the dresser! Have you noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff? “Get this shit off of here, so I can put my stuff down!” Crap is also a form of stuff. Crap is the stuff that belongs to the person you just broke up with. “When are you comin’ over here to pick up the rest of your crap?”

Now, let’s talk about traveling. Sometimes you go on vacation, and you gotta take some of your stuff. Mostly stuff to wear. But which stuff should you take? Can’t take all your stuff. Just the stuff you really like; the stuff that fits you well that month. In effect, on vacation, you take a smaller, “second version” of your stuff.

Let’s say you go to Honolulu for two weeks. You gotta take two big suitcases of stuff. Two weeks, two big suitcases. That’s the stuff you check onto the plane. But you also got your carry-on stuff, plus the stuff you bought in the airport. So now you’re all set to go. You got stuff in the overhead rack, stuff under the seat, stuff in the seat pocket, and stuff in your lap. And let’s not forget the stuff you’re go

And so you fly to Honolulu, and you claim your stuff— if the airline didn’t drop it in the ocean—and you go to the

GEORGE C A R L I N hotel, and the first thing you do is put away your stuff. Q There’s lots of places in a hotel to put your stuff.

“I’ll put some stuff in here, you put some stuff in there. Hey, don’t put your stuff in therel That’s my stuff! Here’s another place! Put some stuff in here. And there’s another 0 place! Hey, you know what? We’ve got more places than we’ve got stuff! We’re go

brain droppings flavored, petrified egg whites. And you know that even though you’re a long way from home, you must be OK because you do have a good supply of peppermint-flavored, petrified egg whites. And so you begin to relax in Maui on that basis. That’s when your friend says, “Hey, I think tonight we’ll go over to the other side of the island and visit my sister. Maybe spend the night over there.”

Oh no! Now whaddya bring? Right! You gotta bring an even smaller version. The “fourth version” of your stuff. Just the stuff you know you’re go