Brain Droppings

I don’t understand the Geneva Convention and the whole i^ea of having rules for fighting a war. Why? Is it really more than just a ^ay of reassuring ourselves we’re all quite civilized, as we pour our heai^s and minds and fortunes into mass killing? It seems to me like hypo)Crjtical bullshit. If the object is to win, wars should be fought with no, nOids barred; otherwise, why bother suiting up? As it is now, a wii

Additionally, if the object is to kill the enemy, why treat their wounded? Treating their wounded requires resources taken from your own effort to achieve victory. Does this make sense if you’re trying to win? Oh, yeah. Civilized.

My doubts about having rules for combat likewise extend to street fighting. I’ve heard guys whine about someone throwing a “sucker punch.” Are they kidding? A guy wants to reduce your ass to a small bloody pile, and you’re going to warn him before hitting him? Get fucking lucid! And lose all that dopey shit about fair play. It’s out of place if the object is to win. (Is it?)

Also, as far as kicking someone when he’s down is concerned, what is the problem here? Again, the object is to win, yes? Well, if he gets up, you might lose; therefore he must not get up. He needs to be kicked. You said you wanted to win. Or are you people just fucking around? I suspect that might be the case. Well, stop fucking around and make up your mind. You’re telling me a man will fuck another man’s wife, drive him out of business, cut him off and nearly kill him in traffic, but he shouldn’t sneak punch, or kick him when he’s down? I don’t get it.

Another thing I don’t understand is the objection to so-called dirty play in sports such as football. These are big, tough guys who are desperate to prove how manly they are; that they’re not soft. That’s why they play these games in the first place. Well, why not let them play “dirty” and let’s find out how tough they really are? It’s been shown that small, dedicated groups of men can easily imd ways of policing and disciplining those among them who cross the line. It’s called vigilantism, and it’s very efficient. Please don’t tell a bunch of six-foot-six, three hundred-pounders in helmets and pads can’t spear and punch and put their thumbs in each other’s eyes.

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C A R L I N GEORGE You’ll miss all the fun. And you’ll be keeping them from pursuing their calling at its highest level.

I also don’t understand terrorists who call the police to warn them about a bomb. Do I need even explain my disihay at this one?

You know, folks, if this old world had cmy imagination, wars would be fought without codes and conventions, alley fighting would be standard, and the only rules in sports woulii govern the uniforms Then we’d have some real fun.

But I fear that doesn’t suit you, and so I return to the notion that produced these thoughts in the first place: Yc>u people shouldn’t be fighting at all. unKnown SOLDIER

I recently visited an interesting site in Washington, D.C. You’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? This is the Tomb of the WeZ/-Known Soldier. No one knows about it. Is;n’t that odd? Everyone knows about the Unknown Soldier, but no one knows about the Well-Known Soldier. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

They’re also pla

One other interesting fact before we leave this subject. I assume you know that Britain, France, and Canada all have Uinknown Soldiers of their own. Well, oddly enough, all three of those soldiers knew each other. Kinda makes the hair on the back of your nec;k stand up, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

brain droppings ir oniY WE WERE HUHAH

This species is a dear, hateful, sweet, barbaric, tender, vile, intelligent, confused, virtuous, evil, thoughtful, perverted, generous, greedy species. In short, great entertainment.

As I said before, humans are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own for pleasure and personal gain. In fact, we are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own, period.

We are serial killers. All our poems and symphonies and oils on canvas will never change that. Man’s noble aspect is the aberration.

Those who argue that art and philosophy are proof of human worth neglect to mention that, in the scheme we have devised, artists and philosophers are completely powerless and largely without prestige. Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

Most animals, when fighting one of their own, will show aggressive behavior, but very little hostility or intention to harm. And when the outcome of the struggle is inevitable, the losing animal will signal its defeat by exposing its most vulnerable part to the victor, affording it the opportunity to finish the kill. The victor then walks away without inflicting further harm. These are the creatures we feel superior to.

The rate of U.S. Marine suicides has been rising in recent years. The biggest jump came at a time when the Marine Corps was being reduced in size, and so, many of these men were barred from reen-listing. I guess they realized that the odds against death had suddenly improved, and they might actually have to face life. So they killed themselves. Strange, huh? I like that sort of thing. It’s entertaining.

GEORGE

C A R L I N

brain droppings

fc.

I’m not disturbed by war. More like entertained. tya may be a lot of things, but it’s never a bad show. It’s the original Greatest Show on Earth. Otherwise, why would thev call it a “theater of war”? I love it. And as far as I’m concerned, the show must go on.

But I realize there are some people who really worry about this kind of thing, and so, as a good citizen, I offer two ideas for peace. It’s the least I can do.

Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. They call it the National Defense University, but it’s a war college. They don’t have a peace college. 6

And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. You name the country, we’ve got the plan. Chad, Myanmar, Upper Volta, Burkina Faso, Liechtenstein. Just give us some crap, and we’ll come A there, and bomb the shit out of you! ‘Cause we’ve got a plan. Well, so do I. Two of them. George’s plans for peace: My first plan is worldwide, year-round, nonstop folk dancing. In short, everyone in the world would be required to dance all the time. It leaves very little time for fighting, h and what combat does occur is inefficient, because the combatants are constantly in motion.

When it was suggested that this plan might be impractical, I offered an alternative wherein only half the people 182

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would be dancing at any given time. The problem with this was the distinct possibility that while half the people were dancing, the other half would be robbing their homes.

So now I’ve stripped it down to a symbolic plan: twenty-four-hour, nonstop, worldwide folk dancing, once a year. Each year, on a designated day, everyone in the world would stop what they were doing and dance for twenty-four-hours.

Any kind of dancing you want. Square dance, minuet, grind, peabody, Cakewalk, mazurka, samba, mashed potato. Doesn’t matter. Just get out there and dance. Even hospital patients, shut-ins, cripples, and people on life support; if you’re too sick to dance, you just die. While the doctors and nurses keep dancing. This would be a good way to weed out the weaker people. Dance or die! Natural selection with a beat.