Brain Droppings

I say this because I believe most people know at least one other person they wish were dead. One other person whose death would make their life a little easier. A sexual rival; an abuser; a tormentor at school; a parent who’s been draining the family nest egg by lingering too long on life support. It’s a natural, human instinct. In fact, in the psychological literature it’s technically referred to as, “Jesus, I wish that son of a bitch was dead!” Don’t run from it. Society must find a way to accommodate this very understandable human instinct.

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C A R L I N GEORGE And so, I offer a plan: Legal Murder Once a Month 6 Under this plan, every thirty days each person in Ameri will be allowed to kill one other person without incurrin punishment. One murder per person, per month. But you can’t kill just anybody. It’s not random. Each month there 4″ will be a different type of person it’s OK to kill. For instance one month it would be all right to kill a business associate k (For you blue-collar guys, that means someone at work.) That month, kill anybody at work—no punishment. But you must have a good reason; none of this weak shit, “I caught him fucking my wife.” It has to be a good reason. Like, “The guy is just a real asshole.” Another month we would have a day when it’s OK to kill . 0 a relative. Actually, you might want two days for this, one for in-laws, and one for blood relatives. In fact, you might even need a week. Seven days, seven dead relatives. A festival! The Seven Dead Relatives Festival. Christmas week! There’s a good time for family resentment. Lots of old, festering patho- logical flotsam bobbing to the surface like buoyant turds. Christmas! Peace on Earth and a nice stack of dead relatives under the tree. And forgive what may seem a tacky note, but this plan might also help simplify your Xmas shopping.

All right, what about spouses? You gotta have a day for killing spouses, although I don’t think you’d want to do this one too often. You know how some guys are, they’d be goin’ through ten or twelve old ladies a year. No, this one should be an a

brain droppings must be accompanied by three drunken friends. And please (y take note, those of you who aren’t married and are merely living together will not be allowed to kill each other until you have taken your sacred vows. All right, we’ve covered relatives and spouses. Now, how ^ about that certain someone else? Someone who really deserves to die? The ex-spouse! The exes of both sexes. The i ex-husband, usually referred to in court documents as “the ,. * asshole.” And, of course, that other towering archetypal figure in divorce law, “the cunt”! i.; In fact, I think we ought to just combine spouses and ex- spouses and stretch this one into a full week as well. Do I smell another holiday festival here? Is this possibly Easter 4f week we’re talkin’ about? I think so! And I’m go

And while we’re at it, why don’t we honor Freud by having a day for killing parents? This is something that doesn’t happen nearly often enough as far as I’m concerned. ^ Why should the Menendez Brothers have all the fun? Get into that living room, whip out the shotgun, and launch your parents into the great beyond so they can be with their loving God. Do the folks a favor. What kind of an ungrateful child are you? By the way, if you’re wondering why parents aren’t already covered in the Seven Dead Relatives

CARL GEORGE

Festival, it’s because parents are special people, and they ^ deserve special treatment.

Here would be another handy event: Kill-a-Neighbor-Day. A perfect way to settle old scores and perhaps, at the same time, upgrade the neighborhood. And just to provide ^ you a little flexibility, for our purposes a neighbor will be considered anyone who lives in your zip code. j. You know, now that I think of it, it would probably make sense to simply have Wild-Card Day. One day a year when everyone can just go out and kill whomever the fuck they want. Many of us have long lists of specific, worthy targets who don’t fall into any of the established categories. Retail clerks, landlords, teachers, salesmen, telephone solicitors; ^! the asshole Co

Rule number two: You can’t hire someone to do the killing for you. You have to do it yourself. And if you’re squeamish, take my word for it, you’ll get over that. There’s nothing to it. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell

brain droppings you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. “Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.” Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.

Rule number three: You can never kill your own offspring. It’s just off-limits. OK? No killing your own children. Of course, if they really deserve it; if they’re really bad news, they’ll probably piss someone else off, and that person will take care of the job for you. 4

And all you civic-minded dipshits, I want you to know there’s nothing in the constitution to prevent any of this. The state doesn’t actually oppose murder, it simply objects to those who go into business for themselves. When it comes to the taking of human life, the federal government doesn’t want free-lance competition. t

Life is cheap, never forget it. Corporations make marketing decisions by weighing the cost of being sued for your death against the cost of making the product safer. Your life is a factor in cost-effectiveness. So when you talk about murder, don’t confine your discussion to individuals.

Besides, there’s nothing wrong with murder in the first place. Murder is a part of life. My society taught me that. And my species is really good at it. I belong to the only species in the history of the world that systematically tortures and mur-^ ders its own members for pleasure, profit, and convenience.

See how easily we figured all that out? How easy that was? People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

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GEORGE

C A R L i N

b r a

d r o p p i n g s

Fun TOES Since I hold no real national allegiances, when it comes to a

In fact, all these Middle-East religious fanatics are brimming entertainment potential. On CNN I recently saw video of 200 Isi student-suicide bombers who were graduating from suicide-b()m^er school. They were singing what was apparently the school fight song. “Our blessings to you who fight at the gates of the enemy and J on heaven’s door with his skulls in your hands.” How can and Jews ever hope to compete with these folks who obviously enjOy their work so much? lET’S All Kill EACH OTHER ACCDRDinG TO THE RUIFS