Brain Droppings

A light-year is a measurement of distance, not time. “It will take light years for young basketball players to catch up with the number of women Wilt Chamberlain has fucked,” is a scientific impossibility. Probably in more ways than one. I An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only ‘ to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They’re just pricks.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle with this one, but I * refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an

implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Fuck you!

Here’s another pointless, thankless objection I’d like to register. I say it that way, because I know you people and your goddamn “popular usage” slammed the door on this one a long time ago. But here goes anyway:

A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission of guilt. When someone “cops a plea,” he admits guilt to some charge, in exchange for better treatment. He has “copped out.” When a guy says, “I didn’t get to fuck her because I reminded her of her little brother,” he is making an excuse. But if he says, “I didn’t get to fuck her because I’m an unattractive schmuck,” he is copping out. The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of self-incriminating truth.

This one is directed to the sports people: You are destroying a perfectly good figure of speech: “Getting the monkey off one’s back” does not mean breaking a losing streak. It refers only to ending a dependency. That’s all. The monkey represents a strong yen. A losing streak does not compare even remotely. Not in a literary sense and not in real life.

Here’s one you hear from the truly dense: “The proof is in the pudding.” Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and the raisins are in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this case, proof means “test.” The same is true of “the exception that proves (tests) the rule.”

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GEORGE CARL

An eye for an eye is not a call for revenge, it is an gu Q: ment for fairness. In the time of the Bible, it was standard to take a life in exchange for an eye. But the Bible said, No, the punishment should fit the crime. Only an eye for an eye nothing more. It is not vindictive, it is mitigatory. 6

Don’t make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn’t it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, “Don’t make the same mistake,” you’ll avoid the first mistake. 6

Unique needs no modifier. Very unique, quite unique, more unique, real unique, fairly unique, and extremely unique are wrong, and they mark you as dumb. Although certainly not unique.

Healthy does not mean “healthful.” Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren’t healthy, they’re dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that’s doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

There is no such thing or word as kudo. Kudos is a singular noun meaning praise, and it is pronounced fcyoo-dose. There is also a plural form, spelled the same, but pronounced feyoo-doze. Please stop telling me, “So-and-so picked up another kudo today.”

Race, creed, or color is wrong. Race and color, as used in this phrase, describe the same property. And “creed” is a stilted, outmoded way of saying “religion.” Leave this tired 120

brain d r o p p i n g s phrase alone; it has lost its usefulness. Besides, it reeks of insincerity no matter who uses it.

As of yet is simply stupid. As yet, I’ve seen no progress on this one, but of course I’m speaking as of now.

Here’s one you can win money on in a bar if you’re within reach of the right reference book: Chomping at the bit and old stomping ground are incorrect. Some Saturday afternoon when you’re gettin’ bombed on your old stamping ground, you’ll be champing at the bit to use this one.

Sorry to sound so picky, folks, but I listen to a lot of radio and TV, and these things have bothered me for a long time. VIEWERS, BEWARE!

Television newscasters often warn viewers that something they’re going to show might upset people: “Be warned that this next film clip is very graphic, and contains explicit language, so you might want to consider if you want to see it, or if it is suitable for your children.” Imagine! Explicit and graphic! Here are the definitions of those words according to Webster’s Third New International Dictionary;

Characterized by full, clear expression; being without vagueness or ambiguity. UlflpillC. Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power. Sharply outlined or delineated.

So what is the problem here? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear, sharply outlined, unambiguous, and with striking imaginative power?

GEORGE CAR LIN IHETRE-’EPIDEnit

Preboard, prescreen, prerecord, pretaped, preexisting, preorder, preheat, preplan, pretest, precondition, preregister. In nearly ai of ^les cases you can drop the “pre” and not change the meaning of the word “The suicide film was not prescreened by the school.” No, of course not. It was screened.

“You can call and prequalify for a loan over the phorie. Your loan is preapproved.” Well, if my loan is approved before I call then no approval is necessary. The loan is simply available. mim

The words Fire Department make it sound like they’re the ones who are starting the fires, doesn’t it? It should be called the “Extinguishing Department.” We don’t call the police the “Crime Department.” Also, the “Bomb Squad” sounds like a terrorist gang. The same is true of wrinkle cream. Doesn’t it sound like it causes wrinkles? And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills? I already have pain! I need relief pills! mandatory options mutual differences nondairy creamer open secret resident alien

brain droppings silent alarm sports sedan wireless cable mercy killing lethal assistance (Contra aid) business ethics friendly fire genuine veneer full-time day care death benefits holy war SUPER-CELEB KICKS BUCKET

I dread the deaths of certain super-celebrities. Not because I care about them, but because of all the shit I have to endure on television when one of them dies. All those tributes and retrospectives. And the bigger the personality, the worse it is.

For instance, imagine the crap we’ll have to endure on TV when Bob Hope dies. First of all, they’ll show clips from all his old road movies with Bing Crosby, and you can bet that some news anchor asshole will turn to the pile of clothing next to him and say, “Well, Tami, 1 imagine Bob’s on the Road to Heaven now.”

Then there’ll be clips of all those fu

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C A R L I N GEORGE “Far out, man, far out!” They’ll show him golfing with dead presidents kissing blonde bombshells, and entertaining troops in every war since we beat the shit out of the Pelopo

Ex-presidents (including the dead ones) will line up four abreast to tell us what a great American he was; show-business pere