Brain Droppings

And so, on television news there is, oddly, very little emphasis on the present; on today’s actual news. The present exists only in thirty-second stories built around eight-second sound bites. Remember, “sound bite” is their phrase. That’s what they give you. Just a bite. No chewing, no digestion, no nourishment. Malnutrition.

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CARL GEORGE Another way they avoid the present moment is to look ft ahead on their own schedules. The television news industry seems to revolve around what’s coming next. “Still to come,” “Just ahead,” “Up next,” “Coming up this half-hour,” “More to come,” “Stay with us,” “Still ahead,” “Also, later . . .” ^ They even preview what’s going to happen as little as one hour later: During the “Five O’Clock News”, the empty-. headed prick who does the “Five O’Clock News” will suddenly say, “Here’s a look at what’s coming up on the ‘Six O’Clock News.’” Then the empty-headed prick who does the “Six O’Clock News” will appear in shirtsleeves in the newsroom (to create the illusion of actual work) and tell you about several stories that the empty-headed prick who does ft the “Five O’Clock News” should already have told you about if he were really a newsman.

And so it goes, around the clock: On the “Five O’Clock News,” they tell you about the “Six O’Clock News”; at six O’Clock, they tell you about eleven; at eleven, they plug the morning news; the morning man promos the noontime lady, ” and, sure enough, a little after noon, here comes that empty-headed prick from the “Five O’Clock News” to tell you what he’s going to do … on the “Five O’Clock News.”

You know, if a guy were paranoid, he might not be k, blamed for thinking that the people who run things don’t want you dwelling too much on the present.

Because, keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class—the people who run things. Those who

brain droppings decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn’t want you to know something, it won’t be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then barely followed up. Enjoy your snooze.

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GEORGE CARLIN

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I’m tired of television a

If I were in charge of America’s broadcast stations and networks, I would gather together all the people whose jobs include speaking to the public, and I would not let them out of the room until they had absorbed the following suggestions.

And I’m aware that media personalities are not selected on the basis of intelligence. I know that, and I try to make allowances for it. Believe me, I really try. But still . . .

There are some liberties taken with speech that I think require intervention, if only for my own sake. I won’t feel right if this chance goes by, and I keep my silence.

The English word forte, meaning “specialty” or “strong point,” is not pronounced “/or-tay.” Got that? It’s pronounced “fort.” The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is pronounced “/or-tay,” and it instructs the musician to play loud: “She plays the skin flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [/or-tay].” Look it up. And don’t give me that whiny shit, ‘Tor-tay is listed as the second preference.” There’s a reason it’s second: because it’s not first

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains life-

GEORGE CARLIN time statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic. It h will be a coincidence. Irony is “a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.” For instance: If a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a b runaway truck, he is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic K coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then, he is the victim of an irony.

If a Kurd, after surviving a bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through th^ mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. 4 Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley’s son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley’s son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum’s son that will be precisely ironic.

I’m tired of hearing prodigal being used to mean “wandering, given to ru

The phrase sour grapes does not refer to jealousy or envy. Nor is it related to being a sore loser. It deals with the rationalization of failure to attain a desired end. In the origiinal

brain dropping s fable by Aesop, “The Fox and the Grapes,” when the fox realizes he ca

Brain Droppings

Strictly speaking, celibate does not mean not having sex, it means not being married. No wedding. The practice of refraining from sex is called chastity or sexual abstinence. No fucking. Priests don’t take a vow of celibacy, they take a vow of chastity. Sometimes referred to as the “no-nookie clause.”

And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That’s all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

Proverbial is now being used to describe things that don’t appear in proverbs. For instance, “the proverbial drop in the bucket” is incorrect because “a drop in the bucket” is not a proverb, it’s a metaphor. You wouldn’t say, “as welcome as a turd in the proverbial punchbowl,” or “as cold as the proverbial nun’s box,” because neither refers to a proverb. The former is a metaphor, the latter is a simile.

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GEORGE CARL IN

brain droppings

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Momentarily means for a moment, not in a moment. The word for “in a moment” is presently. “I will be there presently, Dad, and then, after pausing momentarily, I will kick you in the nuts.”

No other option and no other alternative are redundant The words option and alternative already imply otherness. “I had no option, Mom, I got this huge erection because there was no alternative.” This rule is not optional; the alternative is to be wrong.

You should not use criteria when you mean criterion for the same reason that you should not use criterion when you mean criteria. These is my only criterions.