Secrets Of The Jedi

Yet, why not? Obi-Wan had every right to raise the question.

"You loved Tahl," Obi-Wan said. "You broke the rule. And now you're asking me to give up something that you took for yourself. What were you and Tahl thinking when you pledged your love?"

"Yes, Qui-Gon," Yoda said. "Interested I am in your answer as well."

Qui-Gon thought before he replied. He did not want to answer this question. It touched on the deepest part of him. If he spoke her name aloud, would he crack?

"It was a confused time," he said. "We barely had time to acknowledge what we felt before she was kidnapped."

"An answer, that is not," Yoda said.

"What were we thinking?" Qui-Gon passed a hand over his forehead. "That we would find a way. That we were Jedi, and we would be apart much of the time. Yet we wouldn't deny the feeling."

"You would break the rule," Obi-Wan said. "You would have kept it secret."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, I don't think either of us wanted that. I think we felt that we would work something out somehow."

"The same way I feel now!" Obi-Wan cried.

Qui-Gon sat next to him on the bench. "Here is the difference between us. I did not get a chance to examine my decision. To see its pitfalls and its faults. I do not know what would have happened if Tahl had lived. We might have decided to put our great love aside. We might have left the Jedi Order. I do not know. I will never know. And I live with the heartbreak of losing her. But I am living, Obi-Wan. I am continuing to walk the Jedi path. What I'm saying to you is that once in a great while we have a chance to look at our lives and make a choice that will define us. You have that choice. It is ahead of you. Do not make it in haste. Use your head as well as your heart. Remember that you have chosen a life that includes personal sacrifice. This is the greatest sacrifice you can give."

"Add only this, I will," Yoda said. "Feel some of us do that great troubles lie ahead. We ca

"And how will you feel," Qui-Gon said, "if the great troubles come, and you are not standing with us?"

"I don't know what's right." The words seemed torn from Obi-Wan. "I don't know what to do!"

Siri appeared at the top of the path. She ran toward them, her face stricken with sorrow.

"Magus has struck," she said. "Taly's parents have been killed."

Chapter 20

"Revenge," Qui-Gon said heavily. "It creates the greatest evil."

Yoda rose. "We must see what we can do for Taly."

"He gave information to the committee on the bounty hunters, but he did not reveal if he knew who had hired them," Siri told them.

"We'll never know the answer," Qui-Gon said. "Increasing in power, the dark side is," Yoda said. He looked at Obi-Wan and Siri.

Qui-Gon and Yoda walked away. Siri stared after them. "It's almost as if Yoda knows about us," she said.

"He does."

Obi-Wan drank in the sight of her. Her crisp beauty, the way she stood and moved and talked. The compassion in her eyes for Taly. He had come so close to having her in his life, to sharing things with her that she would not share with anyone else. So close to knowing her best. Loving her best.

"Don't look at me like that," Siri said, almost in a whisper. "You look as though you're saying good-bye."

Obi-Wan said nothing.

Her hand flew to her mouth. "What did they say to you?"

"They said to me what I already knew. What you already know. The rules will not change. And if we leave the Jedi together, we will never rest easy with that decision. We will regret it every day. And sooner or later that would lie between us and be greater than our love."

She turned away angrily. "I don't want to look that far ahead. I don't believe you can see what will happen. Anything can happen!"

"So what do you want to do?" He touched her shoulder. At first she jerked away, but then she relented. She leaned against him, her back against his chest. He slipped his arms around her waist. He couldn't help himself. I will give you up, Siri. But not yet. Give me this last moment, Qui-Gon. Let me brush my mouth against her neck. Let me feel her shudder.

"I didn't want to decide," Siri said. "Isn't that weak of me? I wanted you to decide. I was so afraid of what lay ahead that I wanted to let go of my own will." She shook her head, and he felt her hair swing against his cheek. "Is this what love is? Then maybe I'm not cut out for it after all."

He smiled at her rueful tone, even though his heart was breaking. He tried to turn her to face him, but she resisted.

"No. I can't look at you right now. Just… don't move." Her voice was a murmur now, and he could hear the tears behind it.

"I know we have to let each other go," she said slowly. "I can't imagine walking out of this room without being together, but I know it has to be done."

"You know that the Jedi need our service," Obi-Wan said.

Siri sighed. "Oh, Obi-Wan. Try not to be pompous." She twisted in his arms, ready to face him now, mischief in her eyes. "That is a trait I would tease out of you, given the chance."

"I'm sure you would. And I would tease your impatience with rules out of you."

"Yes, you were always better than me at the acceptance part."

Her words sank in, and the light left her eyes. "Even now," she said. "Even now you're teaching me acceptance, just at the moment I don't want to hear about it."

"Siri — "

"Wait." She pulled away from him and backed up. "Here is another thing you know about me — I don't like to drag things out. So let's make a pact. There's only one way this is going to work. We have to forget it ever happened."

"Forget?" Obi-Wan looked at her, incredulous. "I can't forget!"

"Well, you just have to," Siri insisted. "You have to push it down. You have to bury it. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. But I am going to do it. I am not going to think of you or wonder if we did the right thing. There will be no special looks exchanged when we see each other. You will never mention what happened between us again. We will be comrades when we meet. Comrades only. I am not going to look back, not once." She stamped her foot, as if stamping the memory into the ground. Obi-Wan started at the sound, wincing as though she had struck him. She was a warrior now, willing her body and mind and heart to obey her.