Divine Misfortune

“Those beers are for the not-party,” said Phil.

“We paid for it, right?”

He nodded.

“Then I get the first one.” She took a swig. Then she stuck out her tongue. She wasn’t a beer drinker.

He offered her a cucumber sandwich. She nibbled on it. “How old is this bologna?”

“It’s still good.” He double-checked the package. “Doesn’t expire for another two days.”

She jammed the sandwich in her cheek and washed it down with more beer. “By the way, Janet is coming over tonight.”

He gave her a look.

“She invited herself,” Teri said. “She’s a deiphile. Couldn’t wait to meet our new god.”

“One more doesn’t hurt,” said Phil.

“I’ll go change and then help with the not-party preparations.”

“Thanks. You’re a peach, you know that.”

“Oh yeah. I know.”

She gave him a hug and a peck.

“Hey, now,” said Lucky. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I, kids?”

Teri and Phil parted.

“How long you two crazy mortals been married?”

“Two years,” she replied.

“We dated two years before that,” Phil added.

“And you still have the passion. That’s beautiful. It really is. Can one of you lovebirds do me a favor? I left a couple of bags on the porch.”

Teri volunteered. Along with the bags of decorations, a tall gray figure in frayed, dusty robes stood on her porch. The shadow of his hood hid his face. He held a small potted plant in his hands. The plant was dead.

“Hello,” he said. “Is this the right address? I’m here for the housewarming.”

She nodded.

“This is for you then.” The gaunt man held out the dead plant. She took it. A chill passed through her as she brushed his withered hands.

“Charon, old buddy!” shouted Lucky. “You’re early. Didn’t think you’d make it. Surprised Hades was willing to take that stick out of his ass and give you the night off.”

A wide-shouldered god in a black-and-red suit stepped into view behind Charon.

“He’s my ride,” said Charon.

“Hades, my man.” Lucky chuckled. “You know I just kid because I love.”

The lord of the underworld cracked a smile. “Forget it. I’m just here for the beer.”

“Fridge is thataway.” Lucky jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and Hades headed toward the kitchen.

“By the way, I’m in front of a hydrant,” remarked Hades. “Could you direct my driver to the designated parking?”

“Geez, that guy is a cheapskate,” whispered Lucky. “Owns half the real estate in the underworld, and you still can’t keep him away from free booze.”

He and Charon chuckled. Dust and ash rose off Charon’s robes. Teri inhaled it and fell into a short coughing fit.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I came straight from work. Didn’t have time to change.”

“You can borrow something from Phil’s closet. I’m sure he won’t mind, right, Teri?”

She nodded while struggling to clear her sticky throat.

“Charon and I will grab a shirt while you take care of Hades’s ride and start on the decorations.”

She tried to protest but Lucky and Charon had already vanished into the bedroom.

Hades’s ride was a black chariot adorned with silver skulls and twisted thorns. The wheels were aflame, and it was drawn by a pair of muscular beasts, vaguely horselike except for the snorting of fire and the slavering jaws.

The driver was a specter in a chauffeur uniform. He opened his skull and howled at Teri.

“Uh, yeah,” she said. “Just park it over there, I guess.”

The driver cracked the reins, and a clap of thunder shook the sky. The beasts roared, stamped their hooves hard enough to crack the asphalt, and pulled the chariot away. Its flaming wheels left a trail of bubbling tar.

The neighbor across the street threw Teri a dirty look. She didn’t know his first name. Or his wife’s. Or those of their two or three kids. She’d never actually talked to any of them, only nodded politely.

Within an hour, the house was overrun with gods, demigods, and legendary creatures. The gods and their entourages turned out to be first-class mooches. After they drank all the beers, they devoured everything consumable in the refrigerator. They even ate the steaks in the freezer. Didn’t even bother to cook them. It still wasn’t enough. A harpy and her lizard-creature boyfriend eyed Teri and Phil hungrily.

A blue dji

“Normally, I don’t do this without throwing in a little curse, too,” said the dji

Teri sca

Janet called out to Teri from across the crowded room. Teri motioned for Janet to follow her into the backyard so they could talk.

“Wow,” said Janet. “I didn’t know you were throwing a party! Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It was spur-of-the-moment.”

“I am so glad I brought my camera. How do I look?”

Teri had known Janet was attractive, but she’d never realized just how attractive. With her hair down and in a form-fitting red dress, she was beautiful. It wasn’t made-up beauty either, that sort of prettiness that comes from having the right clothes and the right hair and makeup. It was just a natural appeal. The low neckline emphasizing her breasts didn’t hurt either.

“You look fabulous,” said Teri, feeling a little self-conscious about her own appearance.

Lucky and a large serpent with sparkling rainbow scales and feathered wings stepped into the backyard. The serpent held a beer in the clawed fingertips at the end of his wings.

“There you are, Teri,” said Lucky. “Been looking all over for you. I’d like to introduce you to my good buddy Quetzalcoatl.”

“Call me Quick.” The serpent tipped his party hat, letting the elastic snap back into place. “Everyone does.”

Janet elbowed Teri and cleared her throat.

Lucky smiled. “And who might this lovely mortal be?”

Before Teri could introduce her, Janet pushed her way forward, knelt down, and introduced herself. Lucky took her hand in his paw and mimed a kiss.

“Any friend of Teri’s is a friend of mine. Care for a beer?”

“I’d love one.”

“If you’ll excuse us, gang. Watch out for this guy, Teri.” Lucky poked Quick. “If you’re not careful, he might get you drunk and strap you to his altar.”

Lucky and Janet went back inside.

“So…” Quick ran his long tongue around a fang.”… Cool party.”

“Thanks.”

Awkward silence passed between them.

“How long have you known Lucky?” she asked to make conversation.

“A while now,” replied Quick. “He helped me out when I was going through a rough time.” He flapped his wings. “I mean, I only turned my back for a second. Who’d have thought a few conquistadors could cause so much trouble?”

“Yeah, that was a helluva thing,” she agreed.

“Y’know, he was only joking about the altar thing,” said Quick. “I was never into human sacrifice, even when it was legal.”

“Oh, I know. Conquistador propaganda.”