Incubus Dreams

"Jason..."

He stopped me with a raised hand. "Anita, you have two men who live with you. They both love you. They both want you. They both support your career. Between the two of them, they're like your wife. There are people in this world who would kill to have what you have. And you'd just throw it away."

I just looked at him, because I didn't know what to say.

"The only thing that keeps this little domestic arrangement from being perfect for all concerned is that Nathaniel is not getting his needs met." He stepped in close to me, but the look on his face was so serious that it never occurred to me that kissing was coming, because it wasn't. "You've set up the dynamics so that you wear the pants in this trio, and that's fine, it works for Micah and Nathaniel. But here's the hard part about wearing the pants, Anita, it means you get to make the tough decisions. Your life is working better than it's worked since I met you. You've been happier, longer, than I've ever seen you. Micah, I don't know that well, but Nathaniel has never been this happy in all the years I've known him. Everything is working, Anita. Everybody is making it work. Everybody but..."

"Me," I said.

"You," he said.

"You know, Jason, I can't say you're wrong about any of it, but I hate you right this second."

"Hate me, if you want to, but I'm tired of watching people have everything their heart desires and throw it away."

"This isn't what my heart desired," I said.

"Maybe not, but it's what you needed. You needed a wife in that old 1950s sort of way."

"Doesn't everybody," I said.

He gri

It made me smile. Damn it. "You are the only one who can say shit like this to me, and not have me pissed at them for days, or longer. How do you get away with it?"

He planted a quick kiss on my lips, more brotherly than anything. "I don't know how I get away with it, but if I could bottle it, Jean-Claude would pay a fortune for it."

"Maybe not just Jean-Claude."

"Maybe not." He stepped back smiling, but his eyes had that serious look again. "Please, Anita, go home, and don't freak. Just go home, and be happy. Be happy, and let everyone around you be happy. Is that so hard?"

When Jason said it like that, it didn't seem hard. In fact, it seemed to make a lot of sense, but inside, it felt hard. Inside it felt like the hardest thing in the world. To just let go, and not pick everything to death. To just let go and enjoy what you had. To just let go and not make everybody around you miserable with your own internal dialogue. To just let go and be happy. So simple. So difficult. So terrifying.

10

A car squealed out of the parking lot, as Jason walked me back to the Jeep. I only had a moment to see it, before it blasted out into the street, but I recognized the car. Apparently Ro

"Can I grab a ride home?" It was Louie Fane, Dr. Louis Fane, though his doctorate wasn't in the biology of humans, but in the biology of bats. His doctoral thesis had been on the adaptation of the Little Brown Bat to human habitation. Actually his work with bats, a different species, had put him in a cave with a wererat that attacked him. It's how he got to be furry once a month.

"Sure," Jason and I said in unison.

Louie smiled. "I just need one ride, but thanks." His eyes, which were truly black, not just darkest brown like mine, didn't match the smile. The eyes were still angry.

"His place is on the way to the Circus," Jason said.

I nodded. "Okay." I looked at Louie and wanted to ask what the fight had been about, and didn't want to ask what the fight had been about. I settled for, "Are you okay?"

He shook his head. "Ro

I gave a half-shrug. "I don't know. Ro

Jason laughed. "You calling someone else stubborn, that's rich."

I frowned at him. "You sure you don't want to ride home with us, instead of Mr. Comedy here?"

He shook his head. "I'm on Jason's way home." He still hadn't told us what the fight was about. Was I supposed to remind him, or let it go?

"Do you want some privacy here?" Jason asked.

Louie sighed. "Yes, if you don't mind."

"I'll say good night to Micah and Nathaniel, and I'll be waiting by my car." He waved at me and walked away.

For the second, no, the third time that night I was standing out in the cool shadows of the trees getting a heart-to-heart talk with another man. This one wasn't even my boyfriend or occasional food.

"What's wrong, Louie?"

"I asked Ro

I'd been prepared for a lot of things, but that hadn't even occurred to me. Marriage? I just gaped at him. When I could close my mouth and pretend to be intelligent, I said, "And why the fight, then?"

"She said, no." He didn't look at me as he said it. He stared off into the dark, his hands plunged into the pockets of his dress slacks, ruining the line of his jacket, but giving him something to do with his hands.

"She said, no," I repeated it, as if I hadn't heard it right.

He glanced at me then. "You sound surprised."

"Well, last I knew you guys were getting along really well." Actually, the last time Ro

"It's all wonderful, Anita. That's what is so..." he seemed to search for a word, and settled for, "frustrating!"

"So, you guys are getting along great?" I made it a question.

"I thought so, maybe I was wrong?" He paced two steps away from me, then back. "No, damn it, I wasn't wrong. It's been the best two years of my life. Nothing starts my day off better than waking up beside her. I want to start every day like that. Is that so wrong?"

"No, Louie, that's not wrong."

"Then why did we just have the biggest fight we've ever had?" His dark face was demanding, as if I had the answer and just wouldn't give it to him.

"I'll call Ro

"She says she doesn't want to marry anyone. She says, if she married anyone, it would be me, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to." The pain in his voice was so raw, it hurt to hear it.

"I am so sorry." I started to touch his arm, thought better of it, and said, "Maybe you could just live together?"

"I offered that. I offered to just live together until she was ready for more." He was staring off into the darkness, again, as if he didn't want me to see what was in his eyes.

"She said no to that, too?" I asked.

"She doesn't want to give up her independence. Her independence is one of the things I love most about her."