The Ultimate Choice

The purpose that had driven Kelly here-to this place and this man and this moment in time- quivered into uncertainty as a tidal wave of insight crashed through her mind.

Noni…

The sadness etched deep into every line of Justin's face, and his eyes-the naked look of yearning for something forever lost, of hunger that could never be satisfied…

The revelation shook Kelly to the depths of her being as she tried to fathom all its implications.

Justin had loved Noni. Kelly was sure of it. It answered so much that she hadn't understood. Justin's unreasonable prejudice against show- jumping, his aversion to Rasputin-a black stallion-the kind that Noni had ridden, to her death.

It was why he had bought Marian Park and changed nothing, neither the staff nor the furnishings or anything else; nothing but the show- jumping.

Noni and Justin-they had been the same age; Justin playing polo-their interests locked in similar pursuits; Noni so beautiful-Justin so devastatingly attractive. They had shared so much sixteen years ago.

And Kelly a child-a child so young that to Justin she had only been remembered as Michael O'Reilly's granddaughter.

The years pressed down on her like a suffocating weight. Justin had lived and loved and known it all before Kelly had barely begun her life. And yet that didn't make what she felt for him any less real. Nor what he felt for her. The past was the past. They had to grasp the present and make the future!

Kelly trembled slightly from the force of mind she had to exert in order to quell her uncertainties. She slowly shut the door behind her.

Justin's head snapped around. The next instant he was on his feet, his body tense, his gaze raking her, taking in every detail of her appearance before looking her straight in the face. The glitter in his eyes radiated a bitter cynicism.

'What do you want?'

She flushed at the mocking taunt, but refused to let it sway her. 'I've changed my mind, Justin. I didn't know it this afternoon. But now I do.'

His mouth curled. 'You've had time to think of all I can offer you. You disappoint me, Kelly. I preferred it when you were honest and said "no".'

'That's a terrible thing to say!' Kelly cried, hurt by his accusation. 'I might be a fool for not recognising my own feelings, but I've always played straight with you.'

'You mean that you haven't thought of the wealth and the position I can give you, Kelly?' he said sardonically.

She slowly shook her head. 'I thought only of us.'

He stared at her and Kelly held his gaze with unflinching directness, compelling him to accept her sincerity. And for several moments only she and he existed, with the future a shimmering mirage of possibilities between them. Then, with a flicker of regret, his eyes wavered away from the promise in hers.

'I've had time to think, too,' he said wearily.

'Of Noni?' No more secrets, Kelly thought savagely. Let everything come out into the open where I can fight it. 'You loved her, didn't you?'

His face tightened. Kelly could feel him closing himself off from her, and almost panicked. Had she been too blunt? Was it foolish to remind him of someone else when she desperately wanted him to concentrate on her… on them… the togetherness they could have?

Minutes seemed to drag by. Kelly didn't think Justin was going to answer her. She almost didn't want him to. Yet his very silence was a wedge between them, making any true understanding impossible to reach.

Finally he spoke with cold, hard deliberation. 'Yes, I loved Noni Lloyd. With all the passion that a man is capable of. I couldn't replace her.'

A terrible hollowness burrowed through Kelly's heart. Tears of sadness blurred her eyes: sadness for herself, for Justin, for Noni… for the hopelessness of it all.

'No matter how much you wanted me to be her, I couldn't,' she said in anguished despair. 'I'll always be me.'

It seemed to jolt him. His expression darkened. 'Is that what you think I want?'

Kelly's mind whirled again, grasping wildly at threads of hope. 'I don't know what you want. But you can't say you don't feel passion with me, because it is there. I'm not mistaken about that.'

He gave a harsh, contemptuous laugh. Words exploded from his lips. 'Passion? You have no idea of the passion that has been driving me.'

'I want you to tell me!' Kelly challenged fiercely, driven to the edge of desperation by his seemingly callous dismissal. 'Tell me what you feel! This afternoon you said we had something special. You know we do. And I want you to tell me I'm not making some dreadful mistake!'

She started walking towards him, her hands stretched out in appeal, her heart thumping with the need to reach into him, claim him as her own. 'However much you try to hide from me, there's a bond that ties us together. I don't know why it is, but I feel it. It's your life and my life…intertwined.'

His face drained of all colour and his fingers dug into her shoulders, keeping her at arm's length. 'You feel that?' he demanded hoarsely. 'You really feel that?'

'Yes.'

His eyes probed hers, incredulous… pained… 'You know who I am?'

The question was strained through a gamut of emotions that made no sense to Kelly. 'Of course,' she answered.

'You remember me?'

The tortured, haunted look in his eyes frightened her. 'No… no…' she choked out. 'What do you mean?'

The coiled tension in him eased. He shut his eyes, expelled a long, shuddering breath, then opened his eyes to glittering slits. 'You don't know,' he said accusingly, and released her, his hands falling to his sides as he turned and walked over to the fireplace.

Kelly was shaking inside. 'Tell me!' she hurled after him. He couldn't withdraw now. Not having gone so far. She wouldn't let him, even though she felt dreadfully threatened by what had been left unsaid.

Justin's gaze swung back to her, and a terrible violence of feeling simmered in his eyes. His face was harsher than she had ever seen it, carved in angry bitterness.

'You shattered my life once, Kelly Hanrahan. I won't let you do it again. As much as you were unknowing and i

Kelly swallowed hard to fight down a wave of nausea. It couldn't be true…what he said. She wouldn't accept it. Couldn't. 'Please…explain!'

A grimness settled around his mouth. 'Sixteen years ago, you forced a choice on me that altered my existence. Why I did it I'll never know. And that's the bond we have-you and I-tied by destiny to a moment in time when I had to make a choice. And I didn't choose the woman I loved. I chose you.'

Kelly shook her head, stu

'Do you remember Noni Lloyd's accident?'

'Vaguely. Only vaguely. It was a long time afterwards before I realised she was dead. I saw her fall. And she didn't get up the way she always did. I ran to help her. There was a stranger and he…'

Her voice faltered. She looked fearfully into Justin St John's burning grey eyes.

'You were ru

The blood drained from Kelly's face. 'You were the man who pushed me away…' she whispered, her mind pummelled by a whole sequence of memories. The hands gripping her arms hard…being swept off her feet… falling… and the soft caress on her cheek as she cried… Grandpa picking her up, cuddling her, taking her home.

'You didn't see the danger,' Justin continued in a hard, driven voice. 'You were only a child. You would have been crushed…'