Airhead

Lulu looked horrified. ‘Soap? SOAP? You’ve been washing your skin with SOAP?’

‘Well, what else would you use on your skin?’ I asked.

Lulu shook her head, still staring at me. Then she said to the housekeeper, ‘Katerina. My robe. We have a crisis that needs to be dealt with. STAT.’

Katerina nodded gravely and lifted Lulu’s robe. Lulu, still holding the sheet in strategic locations, slipped her arms into the robe’s sleeves… then let the sheet drop to the floor, once she was safely covered.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘I don’t know what’s going on here, but I do not need any kind of beauty intervention, if that’s what this is about. I have a lot on my mind right now, and I just want to—’

‘I beg your pardon,’ Lulu said, ‘but Nikki Howard gave you her body — she donated it — as a GIFT, with the expectation that you would take care of it.’

‘I HAVE been taking care of it,’ I insisted. ‘I’ve been eating nothing but freaking green tea and tofu since I GOT this body, as that’s the only stuff that doesn’t appear to make my stomach churn—’

‘But what are you washing your hair with?’ Lulu demanded. ‘And how long are you letting it deep condition? And what kind of exfoliant are you using? Don’t answer that, I already know: none. It’s true that Nikki Howard was a natural beauty. But she didn’t just GET that way. She CULTIVATED it. With a careful and diligent beauty regimen. WHICH YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING.’

‘Look,’ I said, glancing towards Katerina for help, but finding none in her direction. That’s because she’d found the universal remote control, which apparently controlled not only the flat-panel TV above the fireplace, but the fireplace — the flames suddenly leaped and danced as she pushed buttons — the window panes (you could deepen the shade of the glass to purple opaque or brighten it to clear), the stereo and even the security camera in the elevator, and she was trying to enhance the mood by making the lighting softer. ‘I have a lot worse problems right now than dry skin, all right? In case you aren’t aware of it, someone is spying on us. Not just me, Lulu. You too. Your laptop was loaded with spyware. And I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m pretty sure it’s Stark Enterprises. I don’t have any proof of course… but who else would it be? It’s OK now, I fixed it. But you might want to get a new, non-Stark-brand laptop. I did. And as if that’s not bad enough, Gabriel Luna — remember, the guy with the scooter, who was at the Stark Megastore grand opening, where the, um, spirit transfer took place? Well, he’s written a song about me. And I don’t even like him. He thinks I have drug and alcohol issues. And the guy I do like —’ suddenly I was fighting back tears. Just like that – ‘wouldn’t even look at me today at school, OK? So it doesn’t matter if I have dry skin or moist skin or NO skin. I mean, I don’t even know what the point of all this is. What is the point of being beautiful when you can’t even get the guy you like to look at you?’

Lulu sucked in her breath. Then she looked at Katerina and said, ‘Better call for backup.’

Katerina nodded, laid down the remote and reached for her cellphone. Observing this, I grabbed the nearest pillow and smashed it over my face.

‘Oh no,’ I wailed. ‘No more makeovers. No, no, no, no!’ I smacked the pillow with each no… not something Dr Holcombe, I was sure, would recommend.

‘Relax,’ Lulu said. The next thing I knew, she was plucking the pillow off my face and sitting down beside me. ‘Katerina’s ordering banana splits from the deli down the street. That’s what I meant by backup. We always order banana splits from the deli when we have guy problems. Not good for your reflux, but you can take one of those pills of yours before you eat it. Now. What is this about Stark Enterprises, Gabriel Luna, and some guy not looking at you?’

Astonished that I wasn’t about to be given a head-to-toe exfoliation, I told Lulu first about her computer, then about Gabriel, and then about Christopher and the way he’d barely spoken to me in the computer lab. When I was done, she shrugged and said, ‘Well, first of all, I never use that computer. I just think it’s pretty. And Gabriel’s easy too. He’s in love with you.’

I nearly choked on some of my own spit.

‘Lulu! No… that’s—’

‘And it’s obvious what’s going on with that Christopher guy,’ she went on.

‘Really?’ Startled, I stared at her, wide-eyed. ‘What?’

‘He’s frightened of his passion for you. So he’s just had to shove it way, way down, so it won’t show.’

I blinked. ‘Lulu. He doesn’t even know Nikki Howard. How can he feel passion for her?’

Lulu put both her tiny bare feet up on the coffee table and rolled her head around on the back of the couch until she was staring at the ceiling. ‘Oh my God. I can’t believe I have to give you this speech again. It seems like I just gave you this speech last month. I did give you this speech last month. But now I have to give it to you again because of the spirit transfer. But here goes. OK, Nikki. Pay attention this time, will you? Straight guys only feel three ways about girls.’ She held up three fingers, and put one finger down each time she ticked off a point.

‘First, they love you, and they show it either by writing a song about you, like Gabriel, or asking you out, and everything is nice and fun like it should be. Second, they love you, but they’re scared of their passion for you because it’s so strong, like your boy Christopher, so they stuff it way, way down and ignore you, or do stupid things like make fun of you because they don’t know how to express it any other way, because they’re immature little babies and are too shy to, say, write a song about you. Or third, there’s something wrong with them, and they start out nice and loving, and then turn around and do stupid things like sleep with other girls behind your back, like Justin Bay did. But we’ll never figure out what went wrong with them and neither will they, so it’s not worth thinking about. OK? That’s it. The end.’

She put down her hand. ‘Any questions?’

I stared at her. She looked serious. But it was kind of hard to tell, considering it was Lulu. So I figured I’d ask to make sure. ‘Um… yeah, I have a question. Are you serious?’

Lulu sighed. ‘OK, I can see I didn’t quite get through to you. Nikki, please don’t tell me your mother never told you this.’

I shook my head. ‘Um… no. I can’t say she ever—’

‘God!’ Lulu rolled her eyes some more. ‘That makes me so mad! How could she not have said anything? That is so irresponsible! I mean, how can mothers send their daughters out into the world to just walk around, making boys fall in love with them all day, without the slightest idea of what they’re doing? Didn’t you see Spider-Man? With great power comes great responsibility! We women can’t just go walking around being so awesome and not have to be careful not to make guys fall in love with us all over the place. Right, Katerina?’

‘Yah,’ Katerina said, nodding fiercely as she bundled up Lulu’s sheets for the laundry.

‘My mother — much like Katerina’s mother, I wouldn’t doubt —’ Lulu went on, ‘sat me down when I was eleven and said, “Lulu, the truth of the matter is, every heterosexual boy — and probably some gay ones too, so look out, because that’s just going to end in disaster — you ever meet is going to fall madly in love with you. He may not admit it, but it’s true. So you have to take responsibility for that, and not do things to encourage him — unless of course you want him to fall in love with you. Because it’s cruel to play with boys’ emotions in that way, because no matter what anyone else says, men are the weaker sex.” Didn’t your mother tell you that?’

Completely stu