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“And you?” Ke
“What about me?”
“It could be argued that you’ve suffered through the same events.”
“I wasn’t wounded on that operation in the Kush, and I didn’t know those people at the NCTC like he did.”
“But you’ve been wounded before.”
“And I’ve always bounced back.”
“That’s debatable.”
Rapp knew she was referring to his lengthy absence after his wife had been killed. “Listen . . . I think it would be a mistake for you to try to compare Mike and me. For starters I’ve been at this a lot longer, and I think I have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m committed. I-”
“You don’t think Mike is committed?” Ke
Rapp’s frustration was apparent. “Are you going to let me talk or are you going to keep interrupting me?”
Ke
“I’m not saying Mike isn’t committed. I’m saying his life is a little more complicated than mine. He has certain obligations that I don’t have.”
“His family?”
“Yes. I think this job is really taking its toll on his personal life.”
“We are all aware of the pressures that go with this job.”
“It’s deeper than that, Irene. It’s not just the job . . . it’s the way the job has crept into his life.” Rapp paused for a beat and tried to honestly put his finger on what was going on with Nash. Shaking his head he said, “I think maybe I scare the hell out of him.”
Ke
“No . . . it’s not that. He hasn’t done anything that I know of. I think he’s afraid he’s going to become me.”
“Interesting.”
“He has a family to go home to at night, and he has to somehow shut down this portion of his brain that deals with all this crap. He has to be a father and a husband. Try to teach those kids the difference between right and wrong. Live up to the ideals of Maggie and reassure all of them that everything is all right and will be all right . . . when he knows damn well the world is a scary place. At some point it creeps into your head that you might not make it home.” Rapp paused as he thought of an image he had blocked from his mind. “Just last week he looked down and found his secretary lying on the floor with her brains blown all over the carpeting. Something like that is going to haunt a man for a long time.”
Ke
Rapp sighed. She’d been trying to get him to discuss his wife’s murder for years. “I don’t know. I just do.”
“I think it’s a little more involved than that.”
Rapp shrugged. “I’m not normal. I’m wired different.”
“So you say,” she said in an accusatory tone.
Rapp saw his chance to counterattack. “How do you deal with it?”
“With what?”
“The pressures of the job. You ever sit down and talk to a therapist?”
Ke
It wasn’t easy to read Ke
“Yes, I have, but don’t try to change the subject. This isn’t about me. It’s about you and Mike.”
Rapp was willing to let her off the hook for now. This was about Nash. “It’s apples and oranges. For starters . . . I go home to an empty house. I don’t have to confront the lie every time I walk through the door.”
“The lie?”
“Telling your kids to be good . . . don’t cheat in school . . . play life by the rules . . . and, oh, by the way, I just broke five federal laws today and killed a man. That kind of shit weighs on a guy after a while.”
“It doesn’t weigh on you,” Ke
Rapp was surprised that he actually paused to think about it. As crazy as it was, no one had asked him this question in a long time. “Which part of the job?”
“All of it, but let’s start with the part that most people would have a hard time with. The killing.”
Rapp shook his head. “It’s never bothered me. The guys I’m whacking aren’t exactly upstanding citizens.”
Ke
“Define i
Ke
Rapp considered it further, took a kernel of an emotion and decided to blow it up. Turn it into something Ke
“What do you mean, ‘his life’?”
“I’d leave this shit in a heartbeat if I could turn back the clock and have A
Ke
“You mean to find someone else. Settle down, have a bunch of kids.” Rapp shook his head. “Not so sure it’s for me. Besides, someone has to do this job, and I don’t see too many guys with my skill set ready to step into the breach.”
“I’m sure I could find someone else.”
With a confident grin, Rapp asked, “And do you think they could do it as well?”
“I doubt it.” Ke
“I haven’t worked out the details yet, but, yeah . . . that’s pretty much the plan.”
“And you think he’ll go along with this?”
“Not sure, but we don’t have to give him a choice in the matter.”
Ke
“He probably won’t at first, but I think he’ll come around pretty quick.”
Ke
“When he sees how proud Maggie and the kids are . . .” Rapp smiled, “all will be forgiven.”
“I’ll think about.”
“Good.” Rapp checked his watch. “I gotta get going. I need to-”
Ke
“Which friends?”
“Your counterparts from across the pond.”
“Oh.” These neutral-site, face-to-face meetings were a recent development. “How much time do I have?”
“If you don’t want to keep them waiting, you need to be wheels up in fifty minutes.”
Rapp swore to himself. He always kept a go bag packed in his car, so that wasn’t a concern, but he needed to talk to Scott Coleman and get him to sweep Lewis’s office.