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She turned to him expectantly, certain he wouldn’t be able to come up with one of his unfailingly optimistic responses to this particular truth.
His expression was oddly unreadable, not a reflection of her anger, not sympathetic, not cheerful. After a short moment he said mildly, „You’re being dramatic.“
„Am I?“ She nodded and thought about it. „Maybe I am. I don’t know why I let you in… or out… or however this ridiculous thing works, but I can see now it was a mistake. You made everything so easy for me, but you’re really just another excuse for me to keep avoiding the rest of the world. The changes we made together are amazing, but none of them are the kind that count. None of them really changed me. I know who I am. And I know who you are.“ Suddenly, the wind died and her sails went flat. „And I know what you’re not. I do love you, Mel, but you have to go“
He looked like a small child who’d just had someone walk up and prick his balloon with a pin, confused and hurt.
„And please don’t think I’m not grateful for all you’ve done for me, but don’t you see, Mel? I need to make a real life with real people.“
His shoulders began to droop in defeat – in a defeat he seemed to be expecting. As he sighed, a thick, velvety green robe grew clearer and more solid over his body. He gathered the front together in a fist at his chest as if he were cold and weakly sat in the chair a few feet away. In another flash of reality she realized how careful he must have been to so rarely let her see his magic – perhaps because the strangeness of it might have startled her awake sooner to the fact that he was all magic.
„This is the way of it, I suppose. Good enough when you’re unhappy and lonely, but always a poor substitute for real life. It was the same when you were a little girl. If there were other children to play with, you didn’t give me a thought.“ He looked and sounded heartbroken and dejected.
„I’m sorry, Mel.“
He shrugged. „You know, I didn’t expect you to see me that day at the viewing. And I sure never expected to get a second chance with you. It happens so rarely. All children have imaginations strong enough to create a playmate but only a brave few will admit it to adults, and fewer still take it the one step further to anthropomorphize it. Most make-believe buddies are lost in youth, trapped in childhood memories. If they’re quick, a few can relocate to siblings or neighbor kids… the family pet. But only a lucky few get the chance to grow up and come out again. Didn’t I say you were a rare and wonderful exception? A True Believer.“
Her smile was sad. „Yes, you did.“
„Charlotte.“ When she looked at him, he rearranged himself in the chair and patted the cushion, inviting her to sit with him. The chair was new and big, not nearly wide enough to be a loveseat but wider than most, perfect for curling up… or sharing. She snuggled close and he put his arm around her. „I’ve had a great time.“
„Me, too. I’ve never had a friend like you before.“
„Yes, you have. When you were four and five and for a while when you were six.“ She gave a soft laugh and turned her ear to his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart was soothing; she felt safe and warm and completely attracted in the circle of his arms. She closed her eyes to concentrate on safe and warm. „The trick is to remember that the very best parts of me are actually you. And you were wrong before – some of the changes we made are the kinds that count, or you wouldn’t have had the strength to send me away. I’m very proud of you, Charlotte. It takes a big heart to forgive yourself for past mistakes, real courage to stand up for yourself and a keen mind to know what you want from life. All you ever needed was a little confidence… and a friend you couldn’t ignore.“
Her limbs grew heavy; her respirations slower and deeper as his holiday scent filled her head. „I’m afraid,“ she murmured from that half-awake, half-asleep state that was like flood water from the basement, heading for the attic. „I don’t want to be alone.“
„Everyone’s afraid. Remember that. And you’ll only be alone if you want to be,“ she heard him say clearly, but the next words came like those in a dream. „Forget me, Charlotte.“
Nine
„Forget me? That’s it? That’s the best you can do? I can’t say something and hop three times on my left foot to make you disappear?“ She stomped around in the kitchen getting her coffee, having not ten minutes ago come blissfully awake in his arms.
„As far as I know, that’s how it works. If you’re thinking about me, I’m here.“
„I’m thinking about you because you’re standing right in front of me. I thought you’d disappear last night while I was sleeping?“
„Without saying good-bye?“
She narrowed her eyes at him. „You’re doing this on purpose. You changed your mind. You’re not going to leave.“
„It’s not up to me,“ he said, looking entirely too pleased. „You know that.“
„Can’t you just, you know, go where you go when you’re not here and stay there?“
„Not if you’re thinking about me.“
„Not if I’m…“
She thought about the times when he wasn’t with her, when she felt he was being discrete and giving her time alone to think and meditate… and to work and read and do crossword puzzles… until she got stuck on a word. Then all she had to do was call out and he would answer from another room or join her if her concentration was not just momentarily broken but shattered completely by the riddle.
He loved going out and went everywhere with her except… that first morning when she wasn’t sure she wanted him around, when she’d snuck out of her office hoping he’d still be asleep, hoping she could leave the apartment without him.
No, it was more than hope. It was will; she willed him to stay asleep because she didn’t want to have another losing conversation with him that morning, because she wanted to leave without him, to be alone to mull things over.
The day before that she’d thrown up a mental and physical wall between them by commanding him to stay out of the apartment… so he stayed in the hall.
„ I am all you, babe.“
Her gaze rose slowly from the floor and their eyes met, one pair doubtful, the other pleased.
„All I have to do is fill my head with other things. That’s the trick, isn’t it? That’s how it works. This is my life and I control it.“
„Some of it.“
„Well, yes but… you, for sure. I can control you.“
He puffed his cheeks and blew out a deep breath as he folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the kitchen counter with great forbearing. „Ah-ha.“
„I woke up a little shaky this morning, a little nervous about being on my own and that’s why you’re still here. I’m over it.“
„Ah-ha.“
There was nothing to do but show him. She turned on her heel and headed for the shower, thinking how good the hot water would feel on her skin, deciding to use a soft-scented soap instead of her usual body wash, gloating over the great deal she found on her new towels. She thought about the little collagen particles soaking into her skin from her moisturizer, the softness of her sweater and the perfect length of her slacks – tried to remember all the words to Joyce Kilmer’s poem Trees. Listening to the heels of her shoes ticking on her gorgeous new hardwood, she remembered exactly where she left her keys and let herself out of the apartment… and looking across at the Whites’ door, she elected to knock on it.
Joe, of course, had gone off to work already, but Marty was happy to see her when she opened the door.
„It’s so good to see you, Charlotte. I’ve been meaning to get over and see you but Ruth has been so busy this summer that, well, I don’t know where the time goes.“
„That’s alright, that’s one of the reasons I came over. I… I’ve been meaning to tell you that if you’d ever like an afternoon off or you’d like to go out to lunch or if anything happens to your regular sitter, I’d be glad to watch her… Ruth… for you, I mean. I didn’t feel like I could offer before – my dad liked his peace and he wasn’t used to children – but now… well, I’m available if you need me. I like children. I just don’t know many.“