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“What?” went Icarus and Joh
“I guess Eartha would have wiped that bit off the tape before She showed it to the insurance company.”
“So that’s it,” said Icarus, shaking his head. “You actually solved it. You solved the greatest case that ever there was.”
“Who else but me, kid? But the sadness of it is that nobody is ever going to know.”
“Why not?” asked Icarus. “I don’t understand.”
“Kid,” I said, “what did you want more than anything else in this world?”
“For everything to be put right,” said Icarus. “That was my dream, my vocation. To put the world to rights.”
“And the only way that the world can be put to rights is if all the angels and demons who fight it out down here and get mankind into a lot of sticky situations go back to where they belong. To wit, Heaven and Hell. And the only way that is going to happen is for us to keep our big mouths shut, pretend that God is dead and let Eartha pick up on the insurance. She pays off God’s debts and the world is put to rights. Am I right, or am I right?”
“You’re right,” said Icarus.
“And as no-one else on Earth but us knows anything about this, they won’t know that God’s insurance company thinks God is dead. They’ll still go on worshipping Him and God, wherever He happens to be, will be happy to let them do it. Things will be a lot better on Earth. There’ll be an afterlife once more, the good people will go to the good place when they die and the bad ones will go to the bad place. And that’s why I can never take the credit for solving the greatest case that there ever was.”
“He’s right,” said Jesus. “That’s how it has to be.”
“But it’s …” Icarus threw up his hands. “It’s dishonest. I thought that God was all good.”
“I think we’ve all had enough theology for one day,” said Joh
“Yeah,” said I. “Well you would say that, wouldn’t you?”
“I just did say it,” said Joh
“You know,” said I, with more gravitas than a gut-shot gunman at a herring-gutters’ ball. “You got me thinking back there, on the rooftop. I really couldn’t understand just how it was that you didn’t die up there.”
“A happy happenstance,” said Joh
“Oh, please,” said I. “I’ve come this far, I’ve worked the lot of it out. You wouldn’t deny me a little bit of glory, seeing as how I can never ever talk about this case.”
“Eh?” said Icarus. “What’s all this?”
“Ask Joh
Joh
I reached down to him and with more panache than a pool-shark on the poop deck of a Pooh-Bah’s paddleboat, I took hold of his hair and ripped off his wig and his mask.
To reveal the face of …
Yes, you’ve guessed it.
No you haven’t? Then let me tell you.
The face of Richard E. Grant himself.
Otherwise known as God.
“Dad!” said Jesus. “It’s you! You’ve shrunk.”
“I’ve always been a master of disguise, my boy.”
“No,” said Icarus. “This can’t be happening. It can’t.”
The face of Richard E. Grant smiled handsomely up at Icarus Smith. “It can be,” said He. “And it is.”
“No,” said Icarus, and tears were in his eyes once more. “No, it’s not fair. It can’t be.”
“I know,” said God. “You feel cheated, don’t you? Cheated and deceived. You feel now that you really didn’t do anything. That I helped you out every step of the way. But I didn’t, you know. You did it all yourself.”
“No,” said Icarus. “I didn’t. You did. From the very first time I met you. It was you all along. You helped me at Professor Partington’s. When you opened the shed door and the breeze blew the map pieces conveniently into place. And in the pub, when I threw the tablet into the air and said ‘Let’s leave it to fate’ and the tablet fell straight down my throat. You did it. And you’ve done it again and again. I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. But I was nothing to you. Just another pawn in your game.”
“Hey, kid,” I said. “I’d ease up if I were you. This is God you’re talking to, you know.”
“Hm,” said Icarus, biting his lip.
“Best show a little respect, eh?”
“It’s all right,” said God. “I understand. After all, I understand everything. That’s what being God is all about. It’s just that I’ve never been too good with money. And I did marry a wife who made a lot of demands. She never really understood me, you see. But listen, Icarus, I might have helped you out a little. But I did it because I was acting as your Holy Guardian Angel. Lazlo had Barry and you had me.”
“You made a fool of me,” said Icarus.
“No, my boy. I just helped you to achieve your ambitions. Getting all the angels and demons back where they belong, that is the ultimate piece of relocation work. And you played a major role in doing that. Why, if you hadn’t released Lazlo from the psychiatric hospital …”
“You talked me into that!”
“Details, details,” said God. “Always details. You played your part and you did your bit and it has brought you and your brother back together again.”
“That kid is no brother of mine,” I told God.
God raised an eyebrow.
“Whatever you say, sir,” said I. “But he ain’t.”
God smiled and tipped me the wink. “Right,” said He. “Well, everything seems to be tied up, with no loose ends. There will be a knock coming on your door in just a few minutes. It will be my, er, widow. And by the by, Mr Woodbine, you did get one thing wrong. She doesn’t know. She really thinks I’m dead. Ours wasn’t exactly what you’d call a happy marriage. She’s not a very caring woman, my wife. I gave her the world, literally, but it wasn’t enough. She didn’t care about me and she didn’t care about Colin. Mind you, he was an evil little wretch and he was going to sell the world off to the devil, which really wasn’t playing the game. I wrote my will to implicate him in my murder, but I knew he’d walk free. I thought it would be a good laugh to see him and my wife arguing over who really owned the world. I’m sorry he’s dead, of course, but then accidents will happen.”
Icarus opened his mouth to speak, but then thought better of it.
“So, I’ll be leaving you now,” said God. “I know I can trust you to do the right thing and sell the story of my murder to my wife. We all want the same thing, don’t we? The angels back in Heaven and the demons back in Hell.”
I nodded and Icarus nodded. And Jesus nodded too.
“I’ll be glad to get back to Heaven,” said Jesus. “You can’t get a decent haircut down here.”
“And I did like you, Icarus,” said God. “I do like you. It was great to be your friend.”
“It was great to be yours,” said Icarus. “You were like a brother to me.”
“And it was never dull. I really enjoyed that bit when you used the spectremeter to make it appear that the professor’s Ford Fiesta was still going round and round the multi-storey car park. That was really clever of you. I liked that.”
“Thanks,” said Icarus.
“So, good luck to you, my boy. You’ll do all right for yourself. Although I’d advise you to find yourself a new vocation. Relocation can be a dangerous profession. But you’ll succeed, I know you will. You have my word on that.”
“Thanks again,” said Icarus.
“Well, I must be leaving you now,” said God. “I have a hot date at the Crimson Teacup, and it would be rude to keep a lady waiting. So I’ll say goodbye for now. Goodbye and God bless.”
And with a wink and a wave and a nod and a grin, He vanished.
Just like that.
“I think I’d better be leaving too,” said Jesus. “I’ve never been too good at lying to my step-mum. She doesn’t care too much for me, you know.”
And he gave a nod and a wink and a wave.
And then he vanished too.