Waiting for Godalming

“So who was it?” said Icarus.

“Well, it wasn’t Colin and it wasn’t Eartha and it wasn’t even Captain Ian here.”

“Me?” said Captain Ian. “You thought it might have been me?”

“Sure, guy, I had you right up there on my list. Icarus goes to the movies a lot, he’ll tell you how it works. There’s only ever a limited number of suspects. And you get to meet them all early on in the plot. Like Cormerant, right? You tipped me off when you told me that Jesus could be seen on TV, but you weren’t at liberty to divulge his identity. You knew I’d take a hint and watch TV and you knew I’d see your brother being interviewed. You led me right to him.”

“His brother?” said Icarus.

“Sure, his brother,” said I. “Don’t you realize who this guy really is?”

“He’s an angel,” said Joh

“He’s Jesus Christ,” said I.

There was a bit of a silence then, but I could live with that.

“Jesus Christ!” said Joh

“Please don’t,” said Captain Ian. “No matter how people say my name, it always sounds like swearing.”

“But I mean … well … you are …” Joh

“How did you know, Mr Woodentop?”

I let that one pass, because after all, he was the Lord. “I wouldn’t have guessed,” said I, “if it hadn’t been for Barry. He was stopping the effects of the Red Head drug working on me and he had to be doing that for a good reason. He knew that with the help of the drug I could solve the case and he wanted me to solve the case, but I figured that you’d tipped Barry the wink to stop me from seeing who you really were.”

“But we couldn’t see him for who he really is,” said Icarus. “And we still can’t. I mean, well, sir, you just look like an angel to me. No offence meant, of course.”

“None taken, I assure you,” said the Lord.

“He does look like an angel,” said I. “But an angel with a golden sword. Check out a copy of the Bibliomystikon[18] ‘And the Lord of Hosts shall come amongst them and slay them with a sword of gold.’ It ain’t your regular practice for angels.”

“You certainly know your occult scripture,” said Jesus.

“Lord,” I told him, “in my business, knowing your occult scripture can mean the difference between singing a psalm at a Sunday school clam-bake and spearing a clam with a jaded jackeroo. If you know what I mean and if you don’t, who does?”

“You have me on that one,” said Jesus. “But it wasn’t me who murdered my father. So just who was it?”

“Well, it wasn’t your sister Christene, either.”

“Actually I thought it might have been,” said Jesus.

“His sister?” said Icarus. “Where does his sister come into this?”

“Philomena Christina Maria O’Co

“I tried to be nice,” said Jesus. “I always try to be nice. I’m noted for it.”

“It’s not your fault, Lord. Well, some of it is. But let’s just have a suspect head-count here. It wasn’t Colin and it wasn’t Eartha and it wasn’t Jesus and it wasn’t Christene.”

“So it was Cormerant,” said Icarus. “He was, after all, the devil incarnate.”

“Right up there in my listings,” said I, cooler than a catechumen at a canon’s coffee morning. “Along with Fangio for a while; you can never trust a ski

There was a lot of sighing then and a fair bit of scratching at heads.

“So who was it?” Icarus shouted.

“It wasn’t anybody,” I said. “Because God wasn’t murdered. God isn’t dead.”

“WHAT?” they all went, and very loudly too.

“He isn’t dead,” I said. “The whole thing was a scam. A set-up from the begi

“It makes some kind of sense,” said Icarus.

“Pray continue with your most interesting narrative, Mr Woodbine,” said Joh

“I was set up,” said I. “From the very begi

“Making me the star witness. And what an unimpeachable witness, the greatest private eye of them all, in the pay of a most illustrious client, to wit, the wife of God. She was in on it with Him, as if you hadn’t guessed.”

“I hadn’t,” said Joh

“I’m losing the plot here,” said Icarus. “I’m becoming confused.”

“Try to keep up, kid. It’s all pretty simple. Well, at least it is for me. So I’m right there, right? At the right place at the right time to witness the murder of God. And it might have worked too, if I hadn’t gone back disguised as a reporter and been recognized by Sam Maggot and bopped on the head. I’d have fingered Colin for sure, which was what his mum intended. But I wouldn’t have been able to prove it, so he would have walked free. So God’s wife would have got the money. Colin would have got the Earth and I’d have probably ended up in the fiery place without a sweet thank you for being such a sucker.”

“But there is no Hell any more,” said Icarus.

“Yeah, but there will be again, kid. As soon as Eartha gets the money and pays off all God’s debts, Heaven and Hell will be back on the go and all will be right with the world once more.”

“Explain about the video footage,” said Icarus. “We all saw that. We all saw God getting murdered.”

“We saw what God wanted us to see. Or rather what He wanted the insurance company to see. It would look pretty kosher through angelic eyes. They’d see two demons shooting God dead then me dealing death out to the demons. What with that, and my testimony and the weather going mad, what more proof would they need?”

“A body?” said Icarus.

“Yeah,” said I. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But would they really expect God’s widow to let them view the body of God? Especially as He died in such shady circumstances. His reputation would have to be kept intact. He was God, for God’s sake. When I was in that alleyway, I saw what God wanted me to see. And on the tape the angelic insurance assessors would see what God wanted them to see. Ordinary folk would see what I saw when I saw the tape for the first time. Me shooting two i

18

The secret Bible for the initiated. Not that you’ll get it in W.H. Smith’s.