Rusty Nail

I considered bedding. First silk sheets, then rubber sheets. Since I didn’t know their bed size, I passed.

Then I looked at towels, televisions, easy chairs, the complete Planet of the Apes series on DVD, a lamp shaped like an ostrich, his and hers golf clubs, and a large stone that you could plug into the wall and watch water trickle over the edge, which was guaranteed to relax you, though it almost put me into shock when I saw how much it cost.

I left Woodfield at a quarter to twelve and went off in search of the universal gift, booze. Luckily there was a liquor store nearby, and I blew two bills on a bottle of bubbly and managed to make it to the forest preserve with a full minute to spare.

Busse Woods occupied a good portion – over ten square miles – of Elk Grove, which did indeed have real live elk ru

Chicago had many parks, and those parks had trees, but even the densest concentration of foliage still felt like it was in the middle of a city. After turning down the twisty, thin road, the woods swallowed my car up. The forest canopy was so thick in certain parts, I couldn’t see the sky. I felt like I’d driven into the movie Deliverance.

I took the road into the thicket for nearly a mile, finally ending up at a tiny clearing with a small eight-space parking lot, two weather-beaten picnic tables, and a rusty garbage barrel. Two other cars were already there, Harry’s familiar ’67 Mustang and a Volkswagen Jetta. Standing beside one of the tables were three men.

I parked next to the Jetta, checked my makeup, forced on a fake smile, and went to meet the boys.

Phin wore the same charcoal suit as the other day, but had switched the blue shirt for dark gray. His black cowboy boots were polished, and this was the first time I’d ever seen Phin in a tie. He looked good. Since Phin didn’t own a car, especially not a Jetta, I assumed he took a cab here.

The man next to him – the judge or reverend or justice of the peace or ship’s captain or whoever McGlade had co

And Harry… Harry had crammed himself into a tuxedo, one of those new styles that had a large black button instead of a bow tie. He hadn’t shaved, his hair was a mess, and his eyes were so bloodshot, it looked like he’d poured ketchup in them.

“Hey, Jackie.” McGlade gave me a half-assed wave.

“Holly’s not here yet?”

He shook his head. “She’s ru

“You too. How was your bachelor party?”

He winced. “Those little people sure can drink.”

Phin raised an eyebrow. “Little people?”

“Harry spent some quality time with a midget stripper,” I explained.

McGlade held up four fingers. “Four of them. Every single Willy Wonka fantasy I’ve ever had came true last night.”

Phin raised his eyebrow even higher. “You had sex with a midget stripper?”

Harry again held up four fingers. “Four of them.”

“How was it?”

“It was short.”

Both Phin and Harry began to laugh.

The guy in the antique suit walked over and held out his hand.

“Reverend Antwerp Skeezix, pleased to meet you.”

I shook his hand. “Antwerp Skeezix?”

“That’s my Martian name.”

Harry whispered in my ear. “I had a little trouble getting someone to marry us on such short notice, and I found him on the Internet.”

“I’m an ordained Martianology minister,” said Antwerp Skeezix. “Harry and Holly are going to be married in the Church of Martianism. Blorg willing.”

“Is this legal?” I asked Harry.

He shrugged.

Phin played it straight. “I bet the honeymoon cost a fortune.”

“One does not need a rocket ship to visit Mars,” said Reverend Antwerp Skeezix. “Mars is a state of mental awareness, and can be reached with a carefully controlled combination of psychotropic drugs.”

“I bet,” I said.

“Go stand over there, Spaceboy.” McGlade pointed to the garbage can. “We’ll be there in a minute.”

“Blorg is good.” The reverend waddled off.

Phin tapped Harry on the chest. “Are you sure Holly will go for that? Being married by Timothy Leary’s stupid cousin?”

“I have no idea. I don’t even know if she’ll show up. I just want something to make my head quit pounding.”

“I’ve got a gun in the car,” I suggested.

Our witty banter was interrupted by the approach of a taxi. Holly got out of the back, wearing a simple white sleeveless cocktail dress – silk, above the knee, and low cut. White pumps. Her hair up and her makeup perfect. She looked stu

The relief on Harry’s face was almost comical. He practically ran to meet her, and after some hugging and kissing they joined us, McGlade’s smile big enough for three people.

“Okay, let’s get this party started. Hey! E.T.! Get your ass over there by those trees.”

Antwerp obediently trotted to where McGlade was pointing. Holly gave me a big hug, and then Phin a big hug. After the hugfest ended, I sidled up to her and we walked to the marriage spot Harry had picked out, between two giant pine trees.

“Everything go okay?” I nudged Holly.

“No charges pressed yet. They took my gun, though. Any chance I’ll get it back? That’s a pricey piece of hardware.”

“If you fill out all the release papers correctly, you should get it back a little after Y3K.”

“Shit. If I’d known that, I would have beat him to death with my bra.”

Harry played dictator, telling us where and how to stand, putting me at his side and Phin at Holly’s side.

“So what do you think, babe?”

“It’s beautiful, Harry. Just perfect. And you look so handsome. Isn’t he handsome, Jack?”

Actually, he looked like Da

“Handsome,” I said.

Reverend Antwerp Skeezix cleared his throat. “Shall we begin?”

Harry nodded, and Antwerp undid his pants. McGlade grabbed his wrists.

“Hold on there, Starman. We decided to keep our clothes on.”

Antwerp frowned. “No nudity?”

“No nudity.”

The reverend cast a long, sad look at Holly, then zipped up.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, under the eyes of Blorg the Almighty the Second, son of Blorg the Almighty the First, son of Merv the Invincible, to bear witness to the joining of two lives.”

I watched Holly’s face. It stayed serious, even at the mention of the Invincible Merv.

“Do you, Holly Frakes, take Harrison Harold McGlade, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do you part?”

“I do.”

And damned if she didn’t look happy saying it.

“Do you, Harrison McGlade, take Holly Frakes, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer or for-”

“I do,” McGlade interrupted.

“Do you have the rings?”

Harry shook his head. “No rings. Tonight we’re both going out and getting our nipples pierced.”

Reverend Antwerp stared at Holly’s chest and was momentarily at a loss for words, until McGlade kicked him.

“Okay then, by the powers invested in me, by the state of Illinois, and by the planet Mars, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

McGlade and Holly kissed. Phin and I exchanged a glance like, “That was weird,” and then there was more hugging, including a hug from Reverend Antwerp that a less liberated woman would call a grope.

Then we gathered around one of the rotten picnic tables, Phin and I signed some witness papers, and McGlade gave Antwerp fifty bucks and told him to take off.