Self-Defence

8

Had I screwed up or was it something that couldn't have been avoided?

Seeing a friend of his was a mistake.

Who knew trauma counseling would turn into this?

Damn, what a mess!

I tried to call her an hour later. No answer. One more try, an hour after that, and I decided to give her time to think.

That evening, Robin and I cooked sand dabs and home fries and lingered over the meal. I was preoccupied and tried to hide it by being extra affectionate. She knew something was going on but said nothing as we watched the sunset.

Then she went to do some carving, Spike fell asleep, and I got in the Seville and drove aimlessly up the coast, getting off the highway at Ventura, for no particular reason, and gliding through dark, empty streets. Lots of boarded-up storefronts and FOR LEASE signs. The recession had hit the town hard, and seeing it did nothing for my mood.

When I got back, Robin was in bed reading Command: Shed the Light.

She closed it and dropped it on the covers. "Why did you check this out?"

"Research."

"Into what?"

"The dark side."

"Such garbage. I can't believe this is the same guy we had to read in English."

"The critics couldn't believe it either. It killed his career."

"He used to write totally differently," she said. "Dark Horses. That long poem about Paris: "The Market.' I remember Dark Horses especially because we had to analyze it in freshman English. I hated the assignment but I thought the book was fascinating, the way he turned the racetrack into a miniature world, all those quirky characters. This stuff is dreadful. What happened?"

"Maybe he used up his ration of talent."

"What a woman-hater! Seriously, what kind of research are you doing?"

"It has to to with a patient, Rob. Someone he's influenced."

"Oh. Sounds creepy."

I shrugged and got out of my clothes.

"Nice of you to empathize with your patient to that degree," she said.

"That's what they sent me to school for." I put the book on my nightstand and slipped under the covers. She rolled toward me.

"You sound upset."

"No, just bushed."

She didn't say anything. Her huge dark eyes snared mine and held them captive. Her curls fell over bare shoulders like a shadow on the moon. I wrapped her in my arms.

"Okay," she said. "Do you have enough energy to empathize with me? I've got all sorts of feelings."

I was still in my bathrobe when the phone rang at 7:10 the next morning.

"Dr. Delaware? This is your service. I have a Dr. Shaper for you."

The name was unfamiliar. "I'll take it."

A man's voice said, "Who do I have?"

"This is Dr. Delaware."

"This is Dr. Shapoor over at Woodbridge Hospital. We've got a suicide attempt came in last night. Lucretia… Lowell. She's finally awake and claiming she's your patient."

My heart rocked and rolled. "How is she?"

"Stabilized. She'll survive."

"When did she come in?"

"Sometime last night. She's been going in and out of consciousness. Claims she's never done this before. Has she?"

"Not to my knowledge, but I've only seen her a few times."

"Well, we're putting her on a seventy-two-hour hold- One second!" Then: "You know how those seventy-twos go?"

"Yes."

"She'll be seeing one of our staff psychiatrists. You can probably get some kind of temporary privileges- you're an M.D., right?"

"Ph.D."

"Oh. Then I don't know. Anyway-"

"What method did she use?"

"Gas. Turned on the stove and stuck her head in."

"Who found her?"

"Some guy brought her in. I just came on shift and saw the message in the chart to call you."

"Did she take any drugs or alcohol?"

"According to the chart, she denies any drug use, but we'll see when the blood work gets back. Does she have a drug history?"

"Not that I know of, but she has been through some rough times recently."

"Uh-huh- hold on. What? Tell them just to wait!… Anyway, I have to go now."

"I'd like to come over and see her now."

"Sure," he said. "She's not going anywhere."

After I hung up, I realized I had no idea where Woodbridge Hospital was. Obtaining the number from Information, I co

I got dressed and drove south on PCH, taking Kanan Dume Road to the 101 Freeway, where I got stuck in a jam. Squeezing out at the next exit, I drove north till I found Victory and followed it ten miles to Topanga Boulevard. The hospital was a three-story brown-brick column that resembled a giant chocolate bar. Small smoked windows, small brass letters, and an illuminated emergency entrance sign bright enough to pierce the morning light.

Parking was free, in a giant lot. The guard at the door barely glanced up as I passed. I gave the clerk my name and she buzzed me in.

The place was brimming over with misery, injured and sick people propped up in plastic chairs. Periodic moans soloed above efficient medical chatter. A colostomy reek hung in the air.

As I passed, someone said, "Doctor?" in a weak, hopeful voice.

Shapoor was outside a room marked Observation 2, reading a chart. A tall, elegant Indian around thirty, he had wavy black hair, humid eyes, and nicotine breath. His badge said he was a second-year resident. His necktie was hand-painted, and the disks of his stethoscope were gold-plated. I introduced myself. He kept reading.

"Lucy Lowell," I said.

"Yes, yes, I know." Pointing to the door.

"How's she doing?" I said.

"We patched her up."

"There were wounds?"

"I was speaking figuratively." He snapped the chart shut. "She's fine. We saved her. For the time being."

"Has her blood work come back yet?"

"No narcotics that we pick up."

"What are the side effects of the gas?"

"A very unpleasant headache for the next few days, some general weakness, maybe disorientation, congestion, shortness of breath- it all depends on how much she actually took in. We cleaned her out thoroughly."

"Was she conscious when she came in?"

"Semi. But she keeps going in and out. Typical."

"Is the person who brought her in still here?"

"Don't know. The psychiatrist on call can fill you in. She won't be in till later today, but she feels an involuntary hold is definitely called for."

"What's her name?"

"Dr. Embrey. You can leave your card with the front desk or the triage nurse and ask them to give it to her." Pulling his stethoscope off, he walked to the next door. I pushed Lucy's open.

She was in bed, eyes closed, breathing through her mouth, hands flat on her thighs. Her hair had been topknotted with a rubber band. A plastic bag of something clear dripped into her veins; oxygen hissed into her nose from a thin tube that ran from a pressurized tank. A bank of monitors behind the bed beeped and flashed and gurgled, trying to quantify the quality of her life.

Her vital signs looked good, the blood pressure a little low. Her face was sweaty but her lips were dry.

I stared down at her, replaying our sessions, wondering if there had been warning signs.

Of course there'd been, genius. All that shame and rage.

Confession gone very sour.

Nothing to indicate she'd go this far, but what the hell did I know about her?

Out of my hands now. She was in the system, locked up for three days. More, if the psychiatrist convinced a judge she remained a danger to herself.