Self-Defence

"I agree."

"I mean, I've got nothing to prove. In three years I've never taken a sick day- do you think it's irresponsible? Quitting, just like that?"

"Not at all."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So… like I said, everything's fine… I also talked to Milo about the new murder. The Santa Ana police are consulting with him, which is smart. I remember how impressed I was when he testified. All those details at his fingertips, he never let the defense lawyer intimidate him- I guess his size helps; what is he, six-four?"

"Six-three."

Her color was high and her fingers were knitting an invisible sweater.

"There's something I want to tell you," she said. "I'm highly attracted to him."

Keeping my face neutral, I held eye contact.

She crossed her legs and touched an earring. "It's been a long time since I've felt this way about a guy." Looking away. "Except for a few mistakes, I'm basically a virgin."

I nodded.

"Big mistakes," she said, "I grant you. But I've put them behind me."

"Is that what you meant this morning when you said after what you'd been through you were a good judge of men?"

She muttered something I couldn't make out.

"Lucy?"

Another mumble that sounded like "Take a look."

I leaned closer.

Her mouth continued to work. She closed her eyes.

"I hooked. Okay?"

I didn't answer.

"Just for a summer," she said.

Remembering the ulcer, I said, "The summer you taught in Boston?"

"I was a bona fide virgin. Then I met someone at Head Start, the uncle of one of my students. Gorgeous, very charming, bright black guy. He used to come and pick the little boy up, and we started talking. One thing led to another. I thought I was in love. After we were together for a while, he asked me to be with a friend of his. I didn't like the idea but I agreed. It ended up not being as bad as I'd thought- the friend was okay and he gave me a gift, some shampoo. L'Oréal. I still remember that."

Her eyes opened. Tears filled them.

"I was able to put myself in another place and get through it. And Raymond was so proud of me. Telling me he loved me, I was showing real love for him. Next week he brought another friend over."

She threw up her hands.

"It was bad, but it could have been a lot worse. His other girls were all working on the street. He let me work out of a room. Clean, warm, color TV. He made sure I didn't get any violent ones. The men came to me. It was almost like being popular."

She let out a dead laugh.

"That's it. My sordid past. Ten weeks of white slavery and mortal sin, and then I went on to Belding and Raymond found some other gullible idiot."

Pushing hair away from her face, she forced herself to look at me. "I haven't been with a man since then. Do you think I'm still too sullied for your best friend?"

"It took courage to tell me," I said.

"Don't worry about my having evil designs on him or being some freak-case co-dependent. When I say I'm attracted to him, I mean psychologically. His kindness, his solidity. I'm working up my courage to let him know how I feel. Is that okay with you?"

"You don't need my permission, Lucy." Thinking of the complications that were sure to come.

She stared at me.

"You don't approve, do you?" Snapping her head down, she studied the floor. "Big mistake to tell you."

"Lucy, it's not-"

"I should have known," she said softly. "You're entitled to your feelings. I tell you I was a whore, it's only natural you wouldn't want me near your friend."

"It's not that at all."

"Then what? Why does your face change when I talk about liking him?"

"There's nothing terrible about that, or you. What goes on between you and Milo or anyone else isn't any of my business."

She studied me.

"Forgive me, Dr. Delaware, but that just doesn't ring true. You're a lovely man and I really appreciate all you've tried to do for me, but there's something going on here, some kind of resistance. I've got a feel for things like that." Another joyless laugh. "Maybe it comes from screwing ten strangers a day. You get good at gauging people quickly."

She got up and walked across the room.

"Lucy flunks therapy… Seeing Milo's friend was a mistake- how can I expose myself to you and expect you to be impartial? How can I expect you to take any sort of voyage with a whore?"

"You're not a whore."

"No? How can you be sure? Have you had other patients who were whores?"

"Lucy-"

"For seven years," she said, between clenched jaws, "I haven't touched a guy. For seven years I've been double-tithing my income to the poor, not eating meat, doing every good deed I can find to cleanse myself. That's why I wanted to be on that jury. To accomplish some greater good. And now I finally find a man I like, and I'm feeling dirty- judged by you just like I judged Shwandt. I should have gotten out of it. Who am I to judge anyone?"

"Shwandt is a monster," I said. "You got caught up in something."

She turned her back on me. "He's a monster and I'm sleazy- we're all defendants in one way or another, aren't we? Is that the only reason you don't want me near Milo, or is he involved with someone else?"

"It's not appropriate for me to discuss his personal life."

"Why not? Is he your patient, too?"

"We're here to talk about you, Lucy."

"But I like him, so doesn't that make it relevant? If he wasn't your friend, we'd be talking about him."

"And I wouldn't know anything about his personal life."

She stopped. Licked her lips. Smiled. "Okay, he's committed. Though I know he's not married- I asked him if he was and he said no." She turned sharply and faced me. "Did he lie to me?"

"No."

"So he's going with someone- maybe living with someone- is she beautiful? Like your wife? Do the four of you double-date?"

"Lucy," I said, "stop tormenting yourself." Knowing my reticence was feeding her fantasies. Knowing I couldn't warn Milo- strangled by confidentiality.

Turning her back on me, she pressed her hands up against the glass doors, saw the fingerprints she'd made, and tried to wipe them off with a corner of her sweater.

"Sorry."

Nearly sobbing the word.

"There's nothing to be-"

"I can't believe I just said all those things. How could I be so-"

"Come on." I guided her back to her chair. She started to sit, then walked past it, snatching up her bag and racing for the door.

I reached her just as she opened it. A marine breeze ruffled her hair. Her eyes were watering.

"Please come back, Lucy."

She shook her head violently. "Let me go. I just can't take any more humiliation."

"Let's talk it ou-"

"I can't. Not right now. Please- I'll come back. I promise. Soon."

"Lucy-"

"Please let me go. I really need to be alone. I really need that."

I backed off.

She stepped out onto the footbridge.