Myth-Gotten Gains

"Wait," Payge said, groaning at the strain, "Here come some captions."

A surprised Barrik confronted Calypsa on the steps of a shining black stone dais. "I did not expect you to return... so soon."

"I want my grandfather returned to me," the girl replied, her chin held proudly high.

"In time." Barrik rubbed his hands together. "Let me see them! I want the Hoard!"

Two henchmen ran forward with the bag Calypsa had brought with her.

The next frame merely read, CLUNK!

The one after that was a pair of reptilian eyes, narrowed greedily. "Beautiful. Beautiful. I wish to see a demonstration of their powers."

"When will I see my grandfather?" Calypsa asked.

The eyes again, looking perturbed. "When I am satisfied. Now, show me!"

I heard the sound of plodding hoofbeats, and glanced up.

The ruminant-drawn cart full of vegetables groaned up the hill with one of the Walt townsfolk at the reins. I wouldn't have thought of his tunic with the fancy ruffled sleeves or the patterned silk banda

"Our ride's here. Come on. Let's go invade a castle."

Tananda and I lay on the bottom of the cart while the driver piled sacks of potatoes and a few sides of raw meat on top of us.

"I can keep up a verbal narration if you like," Payge said. "I do very good descriptions."

"Just the dialogue," I said. "And keep it low."

"Meanwhile," Payge said, "the brave Calypsa's companions hid themselves in a cart full of food being delivered to the castle."

"Skip the parts about us!" I hissed. "We know what's happening here. Tell me what Calypsa's doing."

"Forgive me. 'She stands bravely before the slavering Dile and reaches for the first of the treasures. "What is that?" Barrik askes. "A chamois? I don't remember a sponge as one of the Golden Hoard."

'"O Barrik," Calypsa says. "This is Chin-Hwag, the Purse of Endless Money. She gives forth gold coins upon request.'"

'Barrik slaveres greedily. "Give me gold. Give me lots of gold!'"

Chin-Hwag frowned. "Scaly j..." Er, Aahz, do I need to repeat the invective of my fellow Hoarders?"

"Not if it has no relation to the action," I said. "What's she doing?"

"Er, she spits a gold coin into the air, a Meringuian soli-dus. Barrik leapes to catch it. He seems disappointed. He wants more, a stream of gold. Calypsa asks Chin-Hwag to give him more coins. She is producing them, albeit one at a time. There goes a Devan spite. I don't believe they have minted those in six hundred years."

"Perfect," I said. "She'll keep him too busy to notice us."

"Meanwhile," Kelsa said, "we are here, and the guards intend to search the cart. Our driver will put them off successfully, but only if we do not attract attention."

"A guard produces a spear," Payge whispered. "He prods the produce. Aagh!"

"Shh!" I hissed.

"He dogeared one of my pages!"

"Shut up!" I growled.

"What's in there?" a rough voice demanded.

"Cheese curds," the amiable voice of the farmer replied. "So fresh, they squeak!"

"Let's see 'em," the guard said.

"I must not unwrap them; they'll get stale."

"Get'em out here!"

"If I ca

We heard things start to shift. There were only two layers of sacks over me. If the guards decided to help, we'd be uncovered in a second.

Tananda's eyes were close enough to me that I could see the alarm in them.

"Someone do something!" she whispered.

Someone did. A terrible smell wafted up and surrounded us all in the miasma.

"Aahz!"

"It's not me. It's Asti."

"What the hell's that stench?" one of the guards demanded.

"I TOLD you, it is the cheese curds!"

"Yeeaagh! You go right on in there to the kitchen, pal. The cook'll cut you to pieces and serve you for dessert when he smells that!"

More grumbling as the sacks of root vegetables that had been removed thudded back on top of me. I waited until the guards' voices receded, and the heavy cart started lumbering forward again.

"We're out of sight," the carter whispered.

"I can't stand it any more," I said. "Turn off the stink!"

"It's not me, Aahz," the Cup protested.

I flexed my muscles, and the sacks slid off my back. I helped unearth Tananda. She brushed powdered dirt off her clothes. I looked around to discover that we were behind the midden heap.

"I stand corrected," I said. The three of us dug the Hoard out. They were all disguised in worn burlap bags. Buirnie and his backup were piled into one carrier together.

"Ah, that's better!" Kelsa crowed, as I pulled her loose. "I can see everything now!"

I dumped the Hoard out of their sacks. Zildie jumped to its feet and shook its drum head until it rattled.

Kelsa's face spun around her globe in delight. "Barrik is very clever about his shield spell. It's most economical, I see that now that I am inside the barricade. He has made a shell of a spell—I mean a spell shell. It is embedded in the walls, probably enchanted mortar."

"Binding spells, see page 10,582," Payge intoned.

"Yes! I couldn't see a thing until we were inside, but now I can see everything!"

"Keep it down," I growled, as Tananda tied Buirnie to Zildie's side. "Let's not attract the attention..."

"Who goes there?" a voice demanded. "Hands up!"

I turned, a big smile on my face. Three long-snouted guards came toward us with their spears pointed in our direction.

"Well, hello, there!" I said. "We got a little lost on the tour. Can you direct us to the gift shop?"

"Guardsmen, ho! We've got a big, ugly one here!" the first guard yelled.

"Who are you calling ugly?" I yelled back. "You look like your mother stuck your nose in a vise!"

The guard captain poked me in the ribs with the spear.

"OW!"

"No talking!"

In a moment, we were surrounded by at least twenty men-at-arms. Their heads were draped in chainmail coifs, out of which their long, pointed faces gri

"I can blast their ears off," Buirnie declared.

"I have just the spell," Payge said. "If you repeat after me..."

"Potions, anyone?" Asti asked.

"Which treasure is Calypsa on?" I asked.

"Still on Chin-Hwag," Kelsa said, gaily. "My goodness, how Barrik dances with impatience. It's almost elegant for a creature like him. I didn't think Diles had any sense of rhythm."

"No talking!" the guard barked, prodding me with a spear.

"Have we got enough time to get into the dungeons and

out again?"

"Oh, you're going to the dungeons, all right," the chief guard hissed, as more of the contingent appeared and surrounded us. "You're just not getting out again."

"How cliche," Payge sighed.

"That's all right," I said. "We want to go to the dungeons."

"It's very convenient," Tananda said, flirting her eyelashes at him. "It saves us asking directions."

"I could give you directions," Kelsa said, sounding hurt.

"You must be crazy," the guard captain said, his snout bobbing. He waved his free hand at the Hoard. "Confiscate those... things!"

"We're not 'things,'" Asti said, peevishly.

The captain turned to me. "Make them shut up,"

"Buddy," I sighed, "If you can get them to shut up, you're doing better than I am."

"Now, move it! March!"

"May I give you an update on conditions in the audience chamber?" Payge asked.

"Just the dialogue, okay?"

"Certainly. Chin-Hwag emitted a noise that sounded like "Ptoo." "Beautiful, beautiful," said Barrik, wizard and conqueror of Walt."

"Save the editorializations," I growled.

"It is like that in the archives," the Book said, sounding hurt.