Born of Blood and Ash

“Because it was wrong,” he said.

“I know.” I sighed. “I think maybe I knew it then, too. But I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t have a choice in anything. And I…I didn’t want to do it anymore. So, the draft.”

Ash looked stricken, as if someone had plunged a dagger into his chest.

“I regretted it as soon as I woke up. I was embarrassed. And I hated that I felt that way.” My lips peeled back with a low growl. “I still hate that my head just doesn’t work like it should. You know? Like there were—and still are—others with worse childhoods and experiences, and they never once thought about trying or doing something like that.” I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “But I did.”

“I’m so damn sorry, Sera,” he whispered. “All those times I said you had no regard for your life. I didn’t know. If I had, I would never have said that.”

“You don’t need to apologize because it’s true. Or was,” I said, holding the edge of the blanket to my chin. “I didn’t value my life. Not until I decided I wanted to live—when it felt like it was too late. You’re part of the reason. I mean, it’s not just you. It was also gaining control. A sense of self. I was no longer an empty vessel. I was becoming someone, and you helped me do that. And I…”

I lifted my head to find Ash watching me from where he stood by the railing, his eyes glittering.

I wet my dry lips. “You…you’ve been feeding from Rhain.”

Ash went completely still.

“That’s why you don’t feel as cold sometimes,” I said, my chest aching anew. “You had to go to him because I couldn’t provide for you.”

“Sera.” Ash jerked away from the railing. “You provide for me. You give me everything I could ever want.”

“Except the one thing you need to survive. It’s okay—” I winced. “No, it’s not okay. What I’m saying is that I’m not mad at you or anything. It makes me love you even more because I know how hard it is for you to feed from others. I’m angry with myself.”

His hands fisted at his sides. “Do not be angry with yourself. Kolis—”

“He took that from me. From us. I know. You were right when you said that.”

“I don’t care about being right.” He came forward and lowered himself to his knees before me. “I will do anything for you not to feel fear, Sera.”

“I know.” The pressure was crushing then, my chest squeezing as if a giant hand was trying to pinch off my breath. “You never caused me fear. I know you won’t hurt me. I just… My mind goes back there to Kolis. To being in that fucking cage, and him…”

Ash reached for me but placed his hands on either side of me instead. “And him…?”

I opened my mouth when more words slithered their way up my throat. “Him having complete control. In what I wore. What I ate. Where I went. He put me on display as if I was some kind of token. Or a pet. Even when he held court. And you know what the fucked-up thing was? He liked it when I tried to escape, or he scared me. He enjoyed it. And not because he’s a fucking piece of shit, but because it reminded him of Sotoria. Gods…” I tugged at the stitching on my robe. “He didn’t like it when I mouthed off. Because there were times, Ash, when I couldn’t pretend. I just couldn’t. And when that happened, it didn’t matter that he believed I was Sotoria.”

“What?” His voice was steady but thin. “What did he do?”

“He almost always controlled himself, and gods, that was somehow scarier. Seeing him get to that edge and then pull back? It left me feeling like I was constantly on the cliff’s edge. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that…that was worse than the chains.”

Ash’s inhale was audible. “The chains?”

“I…” I stared at his shoulder. “It was because of Veses.”

“I will kill that bitch.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” I said with a humorless laugh. “He punished her. Gave her to Kyn in front of everyone.” I almost gagged, disgust rolling through me. “And, gods, I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate him. But that wasn’t right. I don’t care what Veses says. It was disgusting. I told him as much, and I’d already mouthed off at him more than once that day. I just couldn’t…” I shook my head. “He hung me by my arms.”

The temperature plummeted. I could see my breath. A thin layer of ice spread from Ash’s knees and crept across the balcony floor. My gaze flew to his.

There were no pupils visible in his eyes.

“Ash,” I whispered.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

His neck twisted to the side. “I still look like me, don’t I?”

I nodded.

“Then I’m okay.” The eather retreated a bit from his eyes. “Please. Please, keep talking.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“It is. I need you to.” His shoulders rolled. “You need to.”

“I don’t want this stuff in your head, Ash. You already have enough.”

“It’s been in my head, Sera,” he said hoarsely, his features stark. “It’s in my head every night you scream. It’s there when I feel you lock up against me. When I can tell you’re fighting not to pull away from me. It’s already there.”

Pain lanced my chest. “I don’t want that.”

“I know.” He took a breath, and the ice began to melt. “Tell me how Rhain ended up freed.”

My heart stuttered. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t know what I know. Or what I don’t.”

I glanced down at his hands. The knuckles were bleached white. “Kolis was going to have Rhain killed, and I…I couldn’t allow that. I told him that it would only worsen tensions if he killed Rhain. That is true.”

“But that wasn’t the only thing.”

“No.” I focused on the golden imprint on my hand. “I told him I would do anything. That I was willing to make a deal.” I looked up at Ash. “What I’m about to tell you is the truth. I’m not omitting anything. I’m being completely honest, and I need you to believe that.”

His eyes searched mine. “I’ll believe you.”

I took a breath and counted to five. “He agreed to free Rhain if I allowed him to sleep with me—”

Ash’s eyes flashed pure silver.

“All he meant was sleeping next to me,” I quickly added. “That was all. He wanted to…” My lip curled. “Hold me while he slept.”

“Did you think that was what he meant?” he asked after several tense moments.

“No,” I whispered, feeling daggers in my gut. “All I could think about was saving Rhain. I panicked, and I agreed. I’m sorry—”

“Fates, do not apologize.” He sank back on his haunches. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But—”

“No,” he snarled, shadows appearing and then disappearing beneath his skin. “Even if he wanted more and you agreed to it, you would have done so under duress. That’s not true consent. Ask me how I know.”

“I don’t need to ask,” I said. “I know how you know.”

“Then do not waste a fucking second on guilt.”

My chest rose deeply. “I…I won’t. You’re right.”

He twisted his neck again. “Is that the only time he wanted to sleep beside you?”

I shook my head.

Ash took a breath. I wasn’t sure if he took another after that.

“He has remained celibate since Sotoria.” I watched his chest, looking for movement. “How incredibly creepy is that?”

The chest rose then. “I don’t even know what to say.”

I nodded.

“There’s more,” he said quietly.

I nodded again, my mind returning to when I first woke up in Dalos. “You…you know he fed from me the first time. That time it hurt. It was so painful, and I was relieved.” I closed my eyes. “When he did it again, it was…it was after Ione told him I was Sotoria. He didn’t make it hurt for long.”

“But he did at first?”

“He was mad. I asked about freeing you, and he was so angry that I brought up your name while he…held me,” I said, anger rising. “That’s when he bit me again. But then he was…gentle because he thought I was Sotoria.” Revulsion churned through me. Telling Aios this part hadn’t been easy, but every word took so much damn effort now. “And that was worse. It didn’t feel bad, and I hated that. I fucking hated it.”

“It’s not your fault, Sera. Even if you felt pleasure, it’s not something you can control,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t control it when Veses fed from me.”

“I know,” I whispered for what felt like the hundredth time. I could feel his hands shaking on the daybed beside me. “I do know. But sometimes, I can…I can feel him behind me. Moving,” I spat, my stomach churning. “I can feel him against me, and I’m suddenly back there, unable to stop him. Unable to do anything but let it happen. Wait it out as he finds pleasure and…”

“And what?” Ash asked—or begged.

My throat burned. “He…he touched me. It wasn’t the first time. He used compulsion against me in the begi

And it just kept flooding out of me, pumping from that chasm in my chest. I didn’t even know what I was saying. I jumped from Kolis to Tavius to the training to fucking Kyn and his crudeness until I was panting for breath. Until what I thought while Kolis assaulted me became words I whispered. “I hate him. I hate Kolis, and I hate Eythos for creating that situation. I hate the Fates for preventing him from telling you the truth, and I fucking loathe how much everything reminds me of Tavius.”

Ash’s cool fingers folded around my wrists. “Sera, love—”

“I hate them!” I screamed, my throat convulsing. I screamed as the knot of sorrow lodged in my chest, too big to pass. Ash moved swiftly, lifting me into his arms and folding his hand against the back of my head. I screamed into his chest when he carried me inside, and the doors closed behind us as he brought me to the floor beside the bed. “I hate them!”