Kisscut

"I'm serious."

"I don't think so, Mark."

She heard a lighter click several times, and turned around to see Mark lighting a joint.

"Put that out," she told him.

He inhaled deeply, not obeying.

He said, "Don't you want to know what happened?"

"I want you to get dressed so that you can go see your mother."

He smiled, making himself comfortable on the couch. "I really thought you were going to pull that trigger the other night."

Without thinking, Lena sat at the opposite end of the couch. "You were watching me?" she asked, not feeling violated so much as caught.

He nodded, taking a long hit off the joint.

"Where were you?"

"By the shed," he told her. "I thought you were going to run right over it."

Lena felt a flush of shame.

"That man was beside the house. I thought he saw me, but he was watching you." Mark blew on the tip of the joint. "He's your father?"

"Uncle," she told him.

Mark took another hit on the joint, holding in the smoke for a few beats. He exhaled slowly, then asked, "How'd it feel, holding that gun in your mouth?"

"Wrong," she said, trying to recover. "That's why I didn't do it."

"No. Being raped," he said. "How'd it feel?"

Lena looked around the room, wondering why she was having this conversation with this kid.

"Bad," she said, then shrugged. "Just… not good."

He choked on a laugh. "I guess so."

"No," Lena said, then, wanting to get back in charge of the conversation, she said, "Why don't you tell me what happened, Mark?"

"Have you had sex yet?"

She didn't like the way he said "yet" as if it was something inevitable. "That's not really any of your business," she told him, amazed that she was able to talk about it so casually. For the first time in a while, Lena felt in control of herself and her emotions. She felt strong, and capable of handling this kid. In light of the fact that just a day ago she had tried to kill herself, this came as somewhat of a shock to her.

Lena said, "Tell me what's going on."

"My mom's go

"Yes," she told him, looking down at her hands because she did not want him to read the truth in her face. "Is that what you want to talk about, your mom?"

He did not respond.

"Mark," Lena said. "Do you know where your sister is?"

He stared at her, his eyes watering. She was struck again by how much of a child he still was.

He said, "We're a lot alike, you know?"

"In what way?"

"In here," he said, putting his hand over his chest. "How did it feel being raped?"

She shook her head, not letting him distract her. "How are we alike, Mark? Has somebody hurt you?"

Something flashed in his eyes, and for just a moment she could see that he was in a tremendous amount of pain. Lena 's heart went out to him, and she felt something akin to a maternal urge to take care of Mark Patterson, even if she could not completely take care of herself.

She asked, "Who hurt you, Mark?"

He propped his foot up on the coffee table. "Why are you a cop?"

"Because I want to help people," she told him, though that was no longer entirely true. "Let me help you. Tell me what happened."

He shook his head over this. "How did it feel?" he asked again. "When you were being raped. What did that feel like?"

"Tell me why you want to know and I'll tell you."

He sucked on the joint, finishing it. He looked around for somewhere to put the butt, and Lena slid a plate across the coffee table for him.

He sat up, putting his elbows on his knees. "I wonder sometimes why people do things."

"I do, too," she said. "For instance, why would Je

He waved this off. "She wasn't going to kill me."

"Is that why you pissed yourself?"

He laughed. "Hindsight is twenty-twenty."

"Why'd she do it, Mark?"

"She thought she could stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop me?" he asked, as if Lena might actually know the answer.

"Stop you from what?" She waited for him to answer, and when he didn't she tried, "Tell me about that party with Carson and the other boys."

He scowled. " Carson 's a pussy."

"Why'd you make Je

"I didn't make her do shit," he spat out. "She wanted to do that. She was trying to make me jealous, showing me it didn't mean anything."

"Didn't hurt you got her drunk, either."

"Yeah, well," he said, waving her off.

"What did Je

Mark twisted his lips to the side, as if he might tell her, then seemed to change his mind. He asked, "You think you'll find my sister?"

"Do you know where she is?"

He looked down, and she wondered if he knew where Lacey was or if he was feeling guilty for not knowing.

Lena sat back, her arms crossed, waiting for him to say what he needed to say.

"I feel like sometimes I'm not even real," he said. "Like maybe I'm in the room, and maybe I'm breathing the air, but nobody really sees me." He rubbed his eyes. "Then I think maybe if I'm not really here, that I need to be someplace else. Like, maybe I should just go ahead and pull the trigger, you know?"

Lena nodded, because she did know.

"What made you stop?" he asked her. "Why didn't you pull the trigger?"

She told him the truth about the gun, but not about the pills. "I thought about my partner finding me in the morning, and I couldn't do that to him."

"Do you believe in God?"

"I'm not sure," she answered. "Do you?"

He shook his head no.

"Is that why you stopped going to church?"

He looked at her, angry. "Don't be a cop with me."

"I am a cop, Mark." Lena kept her tone even, not matching his anger. She reached out and put her hand on his arm.

"I want to know what happened. Why did Je

He sighed, slouching against the pillows. "She was such a sweet kid," he said. "I really cared about her."

"I know you did."

"Do you?" he asked. "I mean, do you really understand what it means to care about somebody?"

Lena thought of Sibyl when she said, "Yes, I do."

"Not me," he said. "I mean, before Je

"You love your mother."

He laughed, a hollow sound that vibrated in his chest. "She's going to die soon, isn't she?"

Lena pressed her lips together.

"I feel it," he said, putting his hand over his heart. "I felt it this morning, somehow, like she wasn't going to last much longer, like she wanted to let go." He started to cry. "It's this co

"Yes," Lena lied. At the time, she had been on her way back from Macon and had no idea that something bad had happened. "I could feel it here," she said, putting her hand to her chest.

"Then you know," he said. "You know what that emptiness feels like."

Lena nodded, not saying more.

Mark looked away, then closed his eyes. She studied his profile, his sharp nose and squared jaw. Tears rolled down his cheeks and fell onto his chest.

"The first time," Mark began, his voice low, "I guess it was at Thanksgiving."

Lena kept her mouth closed, letting him take his time.

"Lacey and Je

Lena felt her heart rate accelerate, and said a small prayer to whoever was listening that Brad would not pick now to come back into the trailer. She tried to do the math and figure out how much time had passed since he left, but since she dared not look at her watch, Lena wasn't sure.