Binding 13

It was hard, though, when I spent most of my waking hours in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety.

Joey told me that I had to fight back.

He said it again last night when he was rubbing my back as I tried to breathe through a panic attack.

He told me that if he ever put his hands on me again I should grab a weapon.

I was afraid to, though.

I was terrified of unleashing something I might not be able to rein back in.

It was because of my lack of action that my brother ended up taking a beating last night.

I knew Joey didn’t blame me for his broken nose, but the text message I'd received from him earlier, letting me know that he was staying with Aoife for the night, made the prospect of going home a terrifying one.

He was bailing out and I didn’t blame him.

If I had a safe place to fall, I would hurl myself towards it.

That's what Aoife was to my brother.

Joey had Aoife and I had no one.

Deep in thought, I was at the bottom of the steps outside the P.E building when the sound of my name being called rocketed through the air.

"Sha

Turning around, I watched as Joh

Don’t overreact and run, I silently commanded as my feet twitched beneath me. Just say hi.

Realizing that I was physically nodding along to my mental affirmations, I cleared my throat and offered a weak, "Hi, Joh

"Hi, Sha

"Okay," I squeezed out as I tried to keep my features impassive. It was an impossible feat when every ounce of blood in my body was rushing to my face, encouraged by my thunderous heartbeat. "You, uh, were in the hall?"

"Yeah." Joh

I flamed in embarrassment.

"Ah, no, I wasn’t."

"How's your Mam?" he asked, blue eyes sharp and probing.

"Oh, she's uh–" I paused to tuck a drenched tendril of hair behind my ear, "She's a lot better now."

"That's good," he said, and it sounded like he genuinely meant it. "You were at home helping her last week? That's why you didn’t come to school?"

"Um, yeah, she needed some help after the, uh, the –" I shook my head before adding, "Mam's okay now. She's back to work and everything."

Joh

You're one to talk, Mr. Adductor…

I shrugged. "That's what she wanted."

"What about you?" Joh

I frowned. "What about me?"

His blue eyes burned holes in mine when he said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," I croaked out, feeling incredibly nervous to be so close to him again.

"You know," he mused. "I'm starting to really dislike that word."

"Well, I am," I choked out. "Okay, that is."

"That's good," he said. "And your family–"

"I really don’t want to talk about it," I said in a small voice. Ever again. "We're moving on from it, so I'd prefer not to be reminded," I added. "If that's okay?"

"Shite, yeah," he muttered. "I won't say another word about it."

I sagged in relief.

"I'm also really sorry," I croaked out. "For the way we imposed on you at your house that day."

"What?" Joh

"I really did," I admitted, embarrassed. "And so did Joey."

"Sha

"Okay." I nodded. "Well, I should probably get going now." Smiling weakly, I offered him a small wave and said, "Bye, Joh

See, progress!

I wasn’t ru

"Wait," Joh

Irrationally affected by his close proximity, I gripped the shoulder straps of my bag and nodded but didn’t stop walking.

"In this weather?" he asked, falling into step beside me.

"No, I'm just walking to the bus stop," I explained quietly, keeping my eyes trained on the footpath ahead of me, careful to avoid the overflow of rainwater that seemed to be bubbling out of every drain.

It wasn’t an easy feat, what with my heart trying to burst its way out of my chest.

That was another thing I needed to work on: controlling my body's reaction around this boy.

He was walking beside me and every time he took a step, his arm brushed against mine.

It was clearly accidental, I doubted he even noticed it, and he was so big I was sure he couldn’t help it, but that didn’t mean my body didn’t react to the feel of him.

At least I was burning up now.

It helped with the damp.

"What time's your bus at again?" Joh

Shivering, I swiped a raindrop off my lip with my tongue before replying, "I get the half five bus every day."

"That's over an hour from now."

I didn’t respond.

I just kept walking.

"Are you pla

We were both like drenched rats from the downpour, and I had to avert my eyes to stop myself from admiring the way his wet hair clung to his forehead.

He had gorgeous hair.

He had a gorgeous smell, too.

One I couldn’t stop myself from inhaling as he stood far too close to me for comfort.

Lynx deodorant, freshly cut grass, and boy all rolled into one.

Who was I kidding; he had a gorgeous everything.

When I dragged my thoughts back to the present and shrugged, Joh

"Come on," he said gruffly. "I'll take you home."

Oh no.

Sweet baby Jesus, no.

"No." I quickly shook my head. "You're grand."

He arched a brow, getting all up in my personal space with his gigantic frame. "Why not?"

"Because you dropped me home," I replied, taking a safe step back.

"So?" he countered, taking another step towards me.

"So, that's enough." I tucked my chin into my chest and tried to step around him. "Thanks anyway."

Again, Joh

And just like before, I had to crane my neck up to look at him.

"You'd rather stand in the rain for an hour than take a spin from me?" he asked, eyes wild and heated. "Why?"

Because your on-again/off-again girlfriend may or may not want to cause grievous bodily harm to me.

Because the first time I got in a car with you, it ended badly.

Because the second time I got in a car with you, I almost told you secrets.

And mostly because the way you make me feel scares me.

When I didn’t respond, because I honestly couldn’t, Joh

"Mad at you?" I shook my head, eyes wide. "No, no, of course I'm not."

"Then why are you being like this?"

"Being like what?"

"Avoiding me," he said quietly.

"I'm not," I lied. "I just…I just…"

"You just what, Sha

I shrugged, at a complete loss for words.

He shook his head, dropped his bag on the ground, and then reached forward, swiping my schoolbag off my shoulders – both shoulders, and with minimal effort.