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Tracksuit trouble continues
Sunday, March 12, 2000, Arthur Askey Way
The tracksuit row drags on. The headmaster is refusing to budge. I ordered Gle
Dear Mr Mole,
As I have stated ad nauseam, Gle
Yours, R Patience (Chief Executive), Neil Armstrong Community College
I rang Pandora at the Commons and was put through to a call centre where a recorded voice told me to press the star button if I was a constituent, or the hash button if I had a complaint about the NHS, street lighting or council house transfers.
I listened in fury as the voice took me through numbers one to eight before telling me to "press button nine if you wish to speak to a person directly". "At last," I said, "I get to speak to Pandora." But it wasn't she. It was Lorraine from the call centre, who, after acrimonious exchange, informed me that "my call was being recorded".
I rang my new stepmother (and Pandora's mother), Tania, and asked for Pandora's email address. "I'm cleaning out the koi carp pond, Adrian," she said. "Could you ring me back at a more convenient time?"
"So, you are putting your koi carp pets in front of your step-grandson's dilemma, are you?" I said angrily.
"As a matter of fact, I am," she snapped. "I agree with Patience. Shorts and vests did make this country great." It's true: advancing age does turn people right-wing. Tania used to be a leading radical in the political circles of Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
Tuesday, March 14
Now William is in trouble at school for opining that Posh Spice should be the next Queen of England. According to him, Mrs Claricoates, his teacher, made him sit in the Wendy-and-Kevin house alone during storytime. As a punishment, I know that's not exactly in the bamboo-under-the-fingernails league, but he was still upset when he got home and totally confused about the hereditary principle.
I kept Gle
Wednesday, March 15
Vince Ludlow has been arrested for failing to pay £140 arrears! Four policemen served a warrant on him at 7.30am. Apparently, he was fined £280 in October 1997. He stole the brass knob from the door of the magistrates court after celebrating his birthday at Snobs in town. Peggy was distraught as, from our respective doorsteps, we watched the police van turn the corner. She sobbed, "Vince gone, and not a bleedin' fag in the 'ouse."
Thursday, March 16
My father is worried about Longbridge. "It's bloody tragic. How'mi go
Saw Lizzie Broadway, my old schoolfriend, in the newsagents. She was buying cat food. I asked if she lived on the estate. "God, no," she said. "Do I look socially excluded?" before hurrying towards her BMW on the kerb, where a gang of local lads were measuring the hub caps with a tape measure.
Friday, March 17, St Patrick's Day
Pandora rang and ordered me to stop harassing her. In only three minutes she used the words «clear» or «clearly» 19 times. Is it now compulsory for politicians to use this word?
Piggmalion
Monday, March 20, 2000
Gle
I longed to tell the mustachioed lard-belly that Gle
To the Editor, the Ashby Bugle
Dear Sir, It is not my habit to write to the papers, but I must on this occasion as you have written an ill-informed and inaccurate article about my son, Gle
1. Glen is Gle
2. I am Adrian Mole, not A Drain-Mole.
3. I am 33 years old, not 73.
4. I am not 'unemployed'; I am currently writing a serial-killer-comedy for the BBC called The White Van.
5. Gle
6. Gle
I remain, Sir, yours, A Mole, father of Gle
Tuesday, March 21
Gle
He said, "It's not my campaign any more, Dad. It's yours." As I ironed his white shorts, I reflected on the sacrifices parents make for their children. I'll be a laughing stock at the next parents' evening.
Thursday, March 23
The following letter was in the Bugle tonight.
Dear Editor
The BBC would like to make it clear that Adrian Mole has not been commissioned by us to write a serial-killer-comedy called The White Van.
Yours sincerely, Geoffrey Perkins (Head of Comedy)
So, the BBC now employ spies to read the regional newspapers, does it? Institutional paranoia or what?
Friday, March 24
Pamela Pigg from the homeless unit called round on her way home from work, to tell me there's a vacant maisonette on the Prescott Estate. "It's a new housing complex, purpose-built for tenants aspiring to join the new middle class."
She said that Alan Titchmarsh had been consulted about the design of the patio/wheelie bin area. He had declined, but as Pamela said, "At least he was consulted."
I made her a cup of Kenco and broached the delicate matter of changing her name by deed poll. She got very defensive and said there had been a Pigg in the Domesday Book, a Pigg at Ypres, and recently a Pigg had been awarded an OBE for services to the post office. When I said tentatively, "Yes, but how can a Mole go out with a Pigg?" she said shyly, "Well, we'd be Pamela and Adrian, wouldn't we?"
Saturday, March 25
Pamela and I had our first tryst watching the boat race. I bet her £500 that Cambridge would win, but I don't care. I think I may be in love with a woman called Pigg.