Страница 5 из 42
Sunday, February 27
Leicester won the Worthington Cup today. Gle
The loneliness of the cross country ru
Monday, February 28, 2000, Arthur Askey Way
Gle
"Dear Mr Mole,
Gle
I read the enclosed ill-written note. It said:
"Dear Mr Lunt,
something tragic 'as happened to Gle
Gle
I confronted Sharon in her chaotic kitchen, where she was defrosting chicken korma for the kids' tea. Not for the first time, I was appalled that I had once enjoyed sexual relations with this woman. She now makes Moby Dick look dainty.
As she prised the lids off the foil containers, she whined, "I've gotta soft heart, Aidy, I don't like to think of our Gle
I asked her not to interfere in Gle
I said, "Yes, the grammar, punctuation and spelling genes, unfortunately." As I was leaving, she said, "I still love you to bits, Aidy." I pretended not to hear her
I wrote Mr Lunt the following reply:
"Dear Mr Lunt,
My own adolescence was made a torment by taunts about my acned complexion. Gle
I remain Sir, AA Mole."
Tuesday, February 29
Leap Day. A letter from the Rt Hon Neil Ki
The letter said:
"Dear Mr Mole,
I have great pleasure in enclosing your invitation to the Labour Party Centenary Di
"As you may expect there will be very strict security. I regret therefore that I am unable to give you the exact location at this stage except to say that it will be at a central London hotel…"
I obviously made a lasting impression on Mr Ki
8.30pm Sharon Bott has just left this house in tears. She arrived uninvited at 7.30 in a taxi. She produced a bottle of Safeway's Cava, then got down on one huge knee and asked me to marry her. I turned her down. Gle
Wednesday, March 1
A terse reply from Lunt: "Dear Mr Mole, The wearing of tracksuit trousers is prohibited during cross-country runs. Best wishes, Mr Lunt. PS As a country dweller, I find your remarks about country folk extremely offensive."
Friday, March 3
My mother has just pointed to the small print at the bottom of my Centenary Di
Patched up
Sunday, March, 5, 2000, Arthur Askey Way
I spent the day debating with myself — should I continue to fight the tracksuit-trousers ban on Gle
I rang my MP, Pandora Braithwaite, who had joined me in my red-socks rebellion 20 years ago. She said, "Can't talk now, darling, I've got Ken and Frank round for di
After Gle
Dear Mr Patience,
My son, Gle
Yours, A. A. Mole
Tuesday, March 7, Shrove Tuesday
Peggy Ludlow came round at tea-time to borrow flour, a lemon, eggs, milk, a frying pan and oil. I said, sarcastically, "Wouldn't it be simpler if I made your pancakes in my kitchen?" She agreed, and the whole Ludlow family trooped round and sat in my living room watching Jerry Springer while I tossed in the kitchen until my wrist was aching.
Vince Ludlow doesn't seem to do any work, though his family are always well rigged-out in designer clothes. Peggy continues to invade my thoughts. Today she was wearing a snakeskin sleeveless shift dress. It was the first time I'd seen her upper arms. She has several tattoos, the most recent being a depiction of Jeremy Paxman's head. When I said that I, too, was a fan of Newsnight, she said that she had asked for Jeremy Clarkson and was suing the tattooist.
Wednesday, March 8, Ash Wednesday
My mother invited me and the boys to a No Smoking Day party to celebrate her proposed new status as a non-smoker. We arrived slightly late, at 7.30. She answered the door looking irritable: "You've missed the ashtray-smashing ceremony." At 7.45, she smoked her last cigarette in the garden, surrounded by family and friends. Tears ran down her tobacco-ravaged face. Ivan then ceremoniously applied a nicotine patch to her upper-arm. When I strolled back into the house, it didn't seem the same without its perpetual pall of smoke. No reply yet from Patience regarding the tracksuit trousers.
Thursday, March 9
A telephone call from the school secretary to tell me that Roger Patience can now be reached only on the following e-mail address: patience.com@sailschool
Friday, March 10
I called on my mother unexpectedly this afternoon: she was smoking a cigarette and both wearing nicotine and chewing it. She begged me not to tell Ivan.
Saturday, March 11
I went to see Pandora at the ceremony to close down the community centre on this estate. She told me that her di