Unspoken words

Chapter 3

The following week was even better. It passed to October, the weather was unusually versatile changing from “bloody cold” state to “how is it possible to be so warm?” one. I loved autumn and not because I celebrated my birthday this month but because it gave me the incentive to create. The particular weather, penetrating rains, sombre days which made you to take a book, had a tea and climbed into the windowsill and read, sometimes distracting from the text to admire the views which brought you miles away from the window from your life to the place where you were meant to be even you had no vague idea what this place was. It was my sort of shrine from the outside malice of the world. I would grab a blanket covering in it as I was a caterpillar in a cocoon who was waiting for the crucial moment in its life – to become a splendid butterfly. However there was no chance of any kind like this for me. With my schedule I barely could go to the toilet left alone being in an inventive, creative mood. I didn’t want anything, just lie down and do nothing, contemplating about void.

By the way my best friend Alice who I happened to work with had the same feelings, adding also her continuously state of being severely ill, that’s why I always tried to be for her anytime she needed as I was worried about her. Nevertheless everything had its limits and one day I collapsed writing her that I neither doing well and it steamed into this:

“I have been reflecting all day today, okay more crying than reflecting but still. I realized that only we were capable ourselves to get out from this vortex of problems, this gap of darkness, because nobody will understand what is happening inside, even the most close ones. They have never faced something of the kind. When we needed each other we weren’t together as nobody of us wanted to put the weight of her problems onto the other and it was kind of embarrassing to talk. And now this lump of silence is trying to get out but doesn’t want to be released grabbing into itself more and more hardships and problems, it is so strong that you wish to switch off your emotions, feeling, and humanity. This time I intend that we are for each other, yes, it won’t be easy but we will be together. Hence stop apologizing to me for everything you say, for expressing your true feelings, I want you to tell me all your i

She was still in her eternal doubts about my words as she wasn’t ready to heal, sometimes I even found that we kind of enjoyed being misery guts, it was our part of life. She said that it was hard for her to reveal her rigours on me and that she was cried her eyes out reading my message.

“Hey, crying isn’t that bad, it shows that we are still possessed by some emotions, that there is life inside us which is trying to find a way out. It is not negative in that case, it is intrinsic state and if it is hold tight in captivity for so long it will eventually explode, and as for me it would be easier to know about this state, rather than you are going to fake. Honest perceptions are better than dissimulation which will cork you even tight. It will be hard work for us but we must try it out.” I didn’t give up on us.

Notwithstanding that she was giving in, talking about all the traitors and severities in her life. Eventually, I collapsed and piped my eyes as well remembering how I was left out when my grandfather had passed away. I was in hospital at that time being ill with anorexia, I will tell you my issues with food later, my dear reader. Everyone who I considered my friends didn’t even bother to visit me and I had no desire to tell anyone about my feelings as it was a waste of time. People would say that I lamented too much and then just kicked out you from their lives like a piece of trash. After I had a person in my life who I trusted in the way I could give up myself. I disclosed every aspect and emotional experience of life to him. I thought this was it, finally I had someone who could accept me as I was, wherethrough he had experienced even more life shit than I. I esteemed him to be my life savior inasmuch as he stabbed me in the back because of nothing. Every day I was lying to myself that I let the past go but it wasn’t true. Every time I was trying to find something in an effort to kill the pain, but then comprehended that it was still there and I didn’t have enough guts to turn the page, to close the book and start reading a new one. People let me go as I had never existed in their thread of life, as I had been just an object which became too old or uninteresting. I just wanted a friend. That was another example of fit of my profound attachment to people. In the end of my jeremiads I added that I wanted to cry with her, this was the only way.

That was how I returned to the point where I had wanted to get out of, just by remembering the past. Regardless of my denials to see the light, it presented in my day. I neglected the fact that there was a special co

“Now are you doing the thing which brings you satisfaction, aren’t you?” asked he after my university story monologue.

“Sure, but I can’t say that I am content with the conditions of my work.”, was my response, “I am thinking of quitting, to tell you the truth”.

“Oh, I thought we were going to be for long together.” I felt disappointment in his words but as usually, denied that fact.

“Actually, when I quit I will offer you a deal, so maybe you will go with me afterwards.” I breathed guts to tell that but was afraid how he could take it.

“We will talk about it when the time comes, but now just continue with the studying process.” he said with smile remark.

I remembered perfectly this conversation as I was heading to work and his reaction to my suggestion made my morning with the feeling of pure gay I proceeded with the duties I had on the day till the very evening as usual. With the last lecture being in progress, I got new messages who you could already guess from.

“I am so exhausted. We were tormented on a lecture, then I tried to get some sleep during the other one and at the point when I almost fell asleep I heard “The lesson is over”. God, it happens all the time!”, he exclaimed.

“I perfectly understand you. I have a crazy schedule from 8 am till 20.30 pm, without weekends and my body is so worn out from chronic fatigue that it switches off itself at a break time even though I detest to have naps. But those 50 minutes usually pass in a way as though they were 5 ones.” I responded.