Unspoken words

His name didn’t summon for something unusual or clamorously famous, it was a typical name you could hear in everyday situations but for me it was ephemerical, something beyond common use, I was enchanted by it so hard that each time I looked at the list of absence in order to spell it correctly, in order to glance at it and feel the vibrations coming out of it. I longed for saying this name every day, in each situation I could. My heart was pounding like mad when I said it again and again. You might think that I was off my rocker. In reality, yes, I was, as you didn’t meet something extraterrestrial in your boring routine life every now and then.

However, he wasn’t my type at all, such subtle in the appearance boys need the same types of girls, which I was not even closer to it. Furthermore, I was into muscled boys who had some interest in keeping themselves fit, not those anorexic-model like ones. Besides my “not giving a fuck to anything in this world state” didn’t leave me at all. Coming back home I declined any thought I could have on the subject of these two boys. Plus my stepfather’s alcohol addiction always got me back to reality. In a short, he had hardships which he poured into vodka or something else in order to release stress but this “remedy” quickly took him into its possession and all his aggression and view of world unjustness to him reflected on me, mum and then on my younger brother, a.k.a. his son.

When I was a child first years of our mutual habitation made me believe that he was going to change, that he would become the man my mother had loved once and he did some steps towards his rehabilitation. But nothing apprised improvement, he was getting worse with each event happening in his life that the drinking became a weekly habit. I regarded him as abominable stuff, I branded him as the most perfidious person in my life who I was not actually afraid of wishing to die to, I desired for his complete dismay, failure in everything he was doing and most importantly my mum leaving him for good. Every time they had arguments, the threats of divorcement jumped out of the box, they were so juicy for me, that I used to gloat such moments and rewind them in my head every single moment I had in possession.

Anyway no expectations of mine came to the reality. Most of the times I just wished either were dead or had escaped there where I could have been truly happy and my mum wouldn’t have got all these torment moments of life with only short interludes of happiness, she didn’t deserve it. But what could a ten year old child do? When she herself desired to be protected, contriving the impossible ways out in her head and trying to imagine that one day a person would come and save her from the hardiness of life. That was how I started to develop a habit of seeing the only solution in other people, it was how my attachment to other human beings began to form.

If we dig deep down, my exigency of other people being around me was unbearable. I always wanted to have a special male friend who in the moments of difficulty would have come and listened to me, comforted me and tell the words and would like to hear or just hug me and all the pain would have subsided, all the fears would have gone. I was particularly interested in a male friend as I didn’t have one, well, one time I had one but I happened not to notice him, typical of me. Plus, being a girl I guess I wanted to feel a kind of protection which only a male could give. Only at the age of 22 years I comprehended that I didn’t actually need that special friend, but we will return to that later.

I had two classmates who were incredibly thick as thieves; I hit it off with them as well. However I never shared my story of alcoholic abuse at the family to somebody. It was stifling my breath, constricting my throat and strangling out the ability of speaking to anyone about that matter, as I clearly understood how judgmental people were, what they were going to think about me and stuff, I would be riddled and ashamed. So, I just hung out with the guys enjoying their company and loving the feeling of happiness I got each time I turned out to be with them.

One day it was so cold that your face could easily cover with chilblains and even in the warmest boots you could perceive the torture of frosts that it was quite a task to throw your feet into those boots as in the street your feet went numb and toes became swelled and raw. The school was cancelled that day because of those frosts but grabbing all my courage and the willingness of not getting bored I went to one of this boy’s house. I lived 4 kilometers from him, so I had to overcome a passage through the woods, as usually I had to surmount in order to come to school but that time I didn’t even notice the distance. This boy was fond of cooking, so you would always find any kind of treats at his kitchen. His name was Marcus, by the way. To my surprise when I finally reached my destination the other boy – Ben was also there, and the fun got started.

“Hello Michaela!”, they said.

“Hello guys, how is it going?”,was my response.

“Pretty good, we are brewing tea. Would you like some?”, Marcus asked.

“Sure and those cookies as well.”, I never hesitated to ask food.

But before drinking tea, Marcus offered us to eat mash potatoes that he had cooked before our arrival, and they were particularly delicious, I didn’t know how a 12 year old could be such a talented cooker. I couldn’t recollect what we were conversing about while we were eating, but one fragment I remembered precisely.

“You know what, yesterday my neighbors were singing karaoke, so the whole evening I was listening to a song about felt boots.”, I said.

“About felt boooots, ahahhahahahaha.” Ben couldn’t help laughing. “Felt boots, no way.” His tea started to come out through his nose as he wasn’t able to control his laughing fit. He was even constricted to put off his brackets. That time if you had brackets you were automatically considered to be uncool, but I found a beauty in them and wished for ones but the Mother Nature gifted me with a good teeth shape. I don’t know why but this meaningless conversation fixed in my mind so tight that I am still allured by it.

“I will show you my secret den” said Marcus, and we followed him to his room.

“This is it, basically, you removed the bottom of the sofa and lean it a bit to the wall, so that you have the space to get in there, here I tell all my secrets and preserve the important information but you are the first who I shared it with as you are my friends.” he continued.

“Wow, that’s cool.” Ben and I gasped as we were climbing there.

Later, the drunken tea reminded of itself, so I needed to use a secret chamber, obviously boys prevented me to use it properly by saying childish comments so I ended up finishing the process at my home.

After this encounter, I had to pack my bags and got to a sanatorium to cure some of my chronic diseases but before I went, Marcus‘d given me a valentine’s card beforehand as I was to spend this holiday there. However, the hebdomadal interest of my condition evoked Ben, he wrote me continuously even though it was not that cheap at that time as the mobile phones had only started to spread among youngsters but he did it anyway. I was blind enough to evaluate it because I was charmed by another guy at the sanatorium who didn’t give me even a hint that he might like me. As it happens in life we like someone who doesn’t like us, and somebody who likes us, we don’t like. Eventually, Ben started to despise me and our relationship was of two guys who liked sarcasm and that was how it ended when we finished school.

As for Marcus, he entered a military establishment after the 8th form, changed beyond recognition and we terminated any possible interaction between us. Despite this I am still of good views on both of the guys, it doesn’t matter what was between us they are the people who brought the happiness into my life at some point even if I happened not to notice it from time to time. I respect everyone who entered into my life and left his footprints.