Carpe Jugulum

'What're we going to do?' said Agnes.

'Do? He invited 'em. They're guests,' said Na

'But vampires... what's Gra

'Listen, my girl, they'll be gone tomorrow... well, today, really. We'll just keep an eye on 'em and wave 'em goodbye when they go.'

'We don't even know what they look like!'

Na

'On reflection, maybe I should've asked him,' she said. She brightened up. 'Still, there's one way to find them. That's something everyone knows about vampires...'

In fact there are many things everyone knows about vampires, without really taking into account that perhaps the vampires know them by now, too.

The castle hall was a din. There was a mob around the buffet table. Na

'Can o' pee, anyone?' said Na

'I beg your pardon?' said someone. 'Oh... canapes...'

He took a vol-au-vent and bit into it as he turned back to the group.

'... so I said to his lordship What the hell is this?'

He turned to find himself under close scrutiny by the wrinkled old lady in a pointy hat.

'Sorry?' she said.

'This... this... this is just mashed garlic'!

'Don't like garlic flavour, eh?' said Na

'I love garlic, but it doesn't like me! This isn't just garlic flavoured, woman, it's all garlic!'

Na

'No, there's some... there's a bit of... you're right, perhaps we overdid it a gnat's... I'll just go and... just get some... I'll just go...'

She collided with Agnes at the entrance to the kitchen. Two trays slid to the floor, spilling garlic vol-au-vents, garlic dip, garlic stuffed with garlic and tiny cubes of garlic on a stick, stuck into a garlic.

'Either there's a lot of vampires in these parts or we're doing something wrong,' said Agnes flatly.

'I've always said you can't have too much garlic,' said Na

'Everyone else disagrees, Na

'All right, then. What else... ah! All vampires wear evening dress in the evenings, even this lot.'

'Everyone here is wearing some kind of evening dress, Na

Na

'Vampires aren't supposed to show up in a mirror, are they?' said Agnes.

Na

'But what if a man comes in?'

'Oh, I won't mind,' said Na

'I think there may be objections,' said Agnes, trying to ignore the mental picture just conjured up. Na

'We've got to do something. Supposing Gra

'We could just ask,' said Agnes.

'What? "Hands up all vampires"?'

'Ladies?'

They turned. The young man who had introduced himself as Vlad was approaching.

Agnes began to blush.

'I think you were talking about vampires,' he said, taking a garlic pasty from Agnes's tray and biting into it with every sign of enjoyment. 'Could I be of assistance?'

Na

'Do you know much about them?' she said.

'Well, I am one,' he said. 'So I suppose the answer is yes. Charmed to meet you, Mrs Ogg.' He bowed and reached for her hand.

'Oh no you don't!' said Na

'I know. But I'm sure you shall in time. Would you like to come and meet my family?'

'They can bugger off! What was the King thinking of?'

'Na

'What?'

'You don't have to shout like that. It's not very... polite. I don't think-'

'Vlad de Magpyr,' said Vlad, bowing.

'-is going to bite my neck!' shouted Na

'Of course not,' said Vlad. 'We had some sort of bandit earlier. Mrs Ogg is, I suspect, a meal to be savoured. Any more of these garlic things? They're rather piquant.'

'You what?' said Na

'You just... killed someone?' said Agnes.

'Of course. We are vampires,' said Vlad. 'Or, we prefer, vampyres. With a "y". It's more modern. Now, do come and meet my father.'

'You actually killed someone?' said Agnes.

'Right! That's it!' snarled Na

Vlad coughed quietly. Na

'There are several other things people know about vampires,' he said. 'And one is that they have considerable control over the minds of lesser creatures. So forget all about vampires, dear ladies. That is an order. And do come and meet my family.'

Agnes blinked. She was aware that there had been... something. She could feel the tail of it, slipping away between her fingers.

'Seems a nice young man,' said Na

'I... he... yes,' said Agnes.

Something surfaced in her mind, like a message in a bottle written indistinctly in some foreign language. She tried, but she could not read it.

'I wish Gra

'What about?' said Na

'I feel a bit... odd,' said Agnes.

'Ah, could be the drink,' said Na

'I haven't had any!'

'No? Well, there's the problem right there. Come on.'

They hurried into the hall. Even though it was now well after midnight, the noise level was approaching the pain threshold. When the midnight hour lies on the glass like a big cocktail onion, there's always an extra edge to the laughter.

Vlad gave them an encouraging wave and beckoned them over to a group around King Verence.

'Ah, Agnes and Na

'Gytha Ogg and Agnes Nitt, I believe,' said the man the King had just been talking to. He bowed. For some reason a tiny part of Agnes was expecting a sombrelooking man with an exciting widow's-peak hairstyle and an opera cloak. She couldn't think why.

This man looked like... well, like a gentleman of independent means and an inquiring mind, perhaps, the kind of man who goes for long walks in the morning and spends the afternoons improving his mind in his own private library or doing small interesting exper-iments on parsnips and never, ever, worrying about money. There was something glossy about him, and also a sort of urgent, hungry enthusiasm, the kind you get when someone has just read a really interesting book and is determined to tell someone all about it.

'Allow me to present the Countess Magpyr,' he said. 'These are the witches I told you about, dear. I believe you've met my son? And this is my daughter, Lacrimosa.'

Agnes met the gaze of a thin girl in a white dress, with very long black hair and far too much eye make-up. There is such a thing as hate at first sight.

'The Count was just telling me how he is pla

'Well done,' said Na

'The trouble is that people always think of vampires in terms of their diet,' said the Count, as Na

Verence's face was contorted in a smile, but it looked glassy and unreal.

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