Carpe Jugulum

'He does look as if he's about to flap away, doesn't he?' she said. Oh, please, don't let me giggle...

The man snapped his fingers. A waiter hurrying past with a tray of drinks turned through ninety degrees.

'Can I get you a drink, Miss Nitt?'

'Er... white wine?' Agnes whispered.

'No, you don't want white wine, the red is much more... colourful,' he said, taking a glass and handing it to her. 'What is our quarry doing now... Ah, applying himself to a biscuit with a very small amount of pate on it, I see...'

Ask him his name! Perdita yelled. No, that'd be forward of me, Agnes thought. Perdita screamed, You were built forward, you stupid lump-

'Please let me introduce myself. I'm Vlad,' he said kindly. 'Oh, now he's... yes, he's about to pounce on. .. yes, a prawn vol-au-vent. Prawns up here, eh? King Verence has spared no expense, has he?'

'He had them brought up on ice all the way from Genua,' Agnes mumbled.

'They do very good seafood there, I believe.'

'Never been,' Agnes mumbled. Inside her head Perdita lay down and cried.

'Maybe we could visit it one day, Agnes,' said Vlad.

The blush was at Agnes's neck.

'It's very hot in here, don't you think?' said Vlad.

'It's the fire,' said Agnes gratefully. 'It's over there,' she added, nodding to where quite a large amount of a tree was burning in the hall's enormous fireplace and could only have been missed by a man with a bucket on his head.

'My sister and I have-' Vlad began.

'Excuse me, Miss Nitt?'

'What is it, Shawn?' Drop dead, Shawn Ogg, said Perdita.

'Mum says you're to come at once, miss. She's down in the yard. She says it's important.'

'It always is,' said Agnes. She gave Vlad a quick smile. 'Excuse me, I have to go and help an old lady.'

'I'm sure we'll meet again, Agnes,' said Vlad.

'Oh, er... thank you.'

She hurried out and was halfway down the steps before she remembered she hadn't told him her name.

Two steps further she thought: well, he could have asked someone.

Two steps after that Perdita said: Why would he ask anyone your name?

Agnes cursed the fact that she had grown up with an invisible enemy.

'Come and look at this!' hissed Na

'See that?' she said.

'It looks very impressive,' said Agnes.

'See the crest?'

'Looks like... a couple of black and white

birds. Magpies, aren't they?'

'Yeah, but look at the writin',' said Na

'Carpe Jugulum,' read Agnes aloud. 'That's... well, Carpe Diem is "Seize the Day", so this means-'

"'Go for the Throat",' said Na

The shadowy figure turned.

'What maketh you think my name ith... Igor?'

'Lucky guess?' said Na

'You think everyone from Uberwald ith called Igor, do you? I could have any one of a thouthand different nameth, woman.'

'Look, I'm Na

'My name ith... well, it'th Igor, ath a matter of facththth,' said Igor. He raised a hasty finger. 'But it might not have been!'

'It's a chilly night. Can we get you something?' said Na

'Perhaps a towel?' said Agnes.

Na

'I do not drink... wine,' said Igor haughtily.

'I've got some brandy,' said Na

'Oh, right. I drink brandy like thtink.'

Knickerleg elastic twanged in the gloom.

'So,' said Na

'Why'th there a thtupid troll down there on the... bridge?' said Igor, taking the flask in one large hand which, Agnes noticed, was a mass of scars and stitches.

'Oh, that's Big Jim Beef. The King lets him live under there provided he looks official when we've got comp'ny comin'.'

'Beef ith an odd name for a troll.'

'He likes the sound of it,' said Na

'That thoundth like my Uncle Igor,' said Igor. 'He worked for the mad doctor at Blinz. Ha, an' he wath a proper mad doctor, too, not like the mad doctorth you get thethe dayth. And the thervantth? Even worthe. No pride thethe dayth.' He tapped the brandy flask for emphasis. 'When Uncle Igor wath thent out for a geniuth'th brain, that'th what you damn well got. There wath none of thith fumblefinger thtuff and then pinching a brain out of the "Really Inthane" jar and hopin' no one'd notithe. They alwayth do, anyway.'

Na

'I think I've heard of that chap,' she said. 'Didn't he stitch folk together out of dead parts?'

'No! Really?' said Agnes, shocked. 'Ow!'

'That'th right. Ith there a problem?'

'No, I call it prudent,' said Na

'No, my Uncle Igor thtill workth for him. Been thtruck by lightning three hundred timeth and thtill putth in a full night'th work.'

'Have a drop more of that brandy, it's very cold out here,' said Na

'Call them marthterth?' said Igor, with sudden venom and a light shower. 'Huh! Now the old Count, he wath a gentleman of the old thchool. He knew how it all workth. Proper evening dreth at all timeth, that'th the rule!'

'Evenin' dress, eh?' said Na

'Meth! Thith lot only wear it in the evening, can you imagine that? The retht of the time it'th all thwa

'Do tell...'

'They've oiled the hingeth!' Igor took a hefty pull of Na

'Ah, right. An' a bed in the room with a balcony outside,' said Na

'My point egthactly!'

'Proper billowing curtains, too?'

'Damn right!'

'Real gutterin' candles?'

'I thpend ageth gettin' them properly dribbly. Not that anyone careth.'

'You got to get the details right, I always say,' said Na

There was a thump as Igor slumped backwards and a ti

'Good head for his drink,' she remarked. Not many people ever tasted Na