Phules Paradise

"If given a choice, sir," Armstrong said, "I'd prefer to continue my training under Captain Jester."

"We'll see," the colonel said. "In the meantime ..."

She broke off with a frown as Phule's wrist communicator began to beep insistently.

"Really, Captain. Isn't there any way you can put a Do Not Disturb sign on that thing?"

"As a matter of fact, I did," Phule said as he opened the cha

"Hey, Big Daddy!" Mother's voice chirped at him. "Sorry to bother you, but I got General Blitzkrieg on the line. You up to talking to him, or should I tell him you're in jail overnight?"

"I'll take it," the commander said. "Hang on a second."

"Shall we leave, Captain?" Armstrong offered, starting to rise to his feet.

"Don't bother," Phule said. "But it might be better if you could all move to the far side of the room, so the holo cameras can't pick you up."

He waited for a moment while his visitors gathered up their drinks and moved over against the wall, then opened communications again.

"All right, Mother," he said. "Patch him through on the regular communications gear."

"You got it. Here he comes."

Phule stepped in front of the communications console that was a part of the furnishing of his quarters and/or office wherever he went, and a few seconds later the image of General Blitzkrieg materialized before him.

"Good evening, General," he said.

"I caught your showboating for the media, Captain Jester," Blitzkrieg growled without greeting or preamble. "Looks like you came out smelling like a rose ... again."

"Thank you, sir," Phule said gravely. "It was-"

"Of course," the general continued, ignoring the response, "I also saw some preliminary footage from what's supposed to be a new holo-movie being shot there on Lorelei ... except that it has some of your troops in it, and they're doing an incredible amount of damage to the very complex they're supposed to be guarding!"

"Nothing to worry about there, General," the commander said smoothly. "The occupant of the room in question has agreed to pay for the necessary repairs and renovations."

"Why would he do that?" Blitzkrieg scowled. "It's clear that it's your pack of hell-raisers who are doing the damage."

"Well, there's the fact that legally whoever rents a room is responsible for any damages to the facility," Phule explained. "As to my troops actually causing the damage, the truth is they were sort of invited to take that action, by the room's occupant-and it's a she, sir, not a he. In fact, it's the same woman you saw presenting me and my unit with the commendation."

"Sort of invited?" the general growled, catching the careful phrasing. "I'd like to hear some more details on that, if you don't mind. First, though, I want to know what your troops are doing appearing in a holo-movie in Space Legion uniforms."

"That's easy enough to explain, sir," the commander said. "As you yourself just said, sir, that was preliminary footage only. My troops were simply standing in while the camera angles were being blocked out. I can assure the general that they will not be present in the final version when it's released."

"I see," Blitzkrieg said grimly. "Well, Captain, while I have you on the line, there are a few other matters I want to know about. For example ..."

"Good evening, General," Battleax said, leaving her place by the wall and stepping in front of the camera.

The general gaped. "Colonel Battleax! What are you doing there? I thought you were-"

"On vacation?" the colonel purred. "I was ... as you very well know. It just so happens that my itinerary included a stop on Lorelei. You can imagine my surprise when I ran into Captain Jester and his troops here, especially since I hadn't heard a thing about this assignment before I left Headquarters."

"Ummm ... yes, of course," Blitzkrieg mumbled, obviously uncomfortable. "So you were in charge when all this was happening?"

"Not at all." Battleax smiled. "I'm merely a tourist while I'm on vacation. In fact, great pains were taken to be sure everyone knew I wasn't in the chain of command here."

"I ..."

"No need to apologize, General," the colonel continued. "I can understand your concern that I might have inadvertently usurped your power, but I can assure you that you're still responsible for everything that Captain Jester and his troops do on this assignment."

"What's that?" The general looked stricken.

"I'm simply reminding you that as the one who gave this assignment to Captain Jester, you are his immediate superior officer for the duration, and as such are ultimately responsible for anything he might do or order while under your direct command," Battleax explained. "Of course, if no inquiries are convened and no one of civil or Legion authority openly questions his activities, then nothing out of the ordinary will ever show in the records and the entire assignment will be filed as being routine. Do you see my point, General?"

"Yes, I see," Blitzkrieg growled.

"I thought you would. Now, unless there's anything else of an urgent nature, do you mind if we conclude this interview? Captain Jester and I were just enjoying a quiet drink in his room."

The general looked startled.

"Oh ... I didn't realize ... of course. Anything else I have can wait until a more convenient time. Good night, Colonel ... Captain. Be sure to let me know when the new recruits arrive."

"Wait a minute. New Recruits?" Phule was suddenly alert. "Excuse me, General Blitzkrieg, but I thought you agreed to hold off on any new recruits or transfers until I had a chance to get my outfit into shape."

"I did," Blitzkrieg said with an evil grin. "But I don't think you object to these-most of them, anyway. The others, you can't object to."

"Could you explain that a little more, sir?"

"Well ... I don't want to intrude, so I'll keep this short. You're getting a trio of Gambolts ... you know, the Cats?

They're the first Gambolts to ever enlist in the Space Legion instead of joining their own unit in the Regular Army-which is a feather in our cap-but they signed on under the express condition that they be assigned to your unit. It seems your showboating for the media is finally paying some dividends."

"I suppose that if-"

"The next one isn't really a recruit," the general continued. "He's an observer, sent by the Zenobians to study our tactics and ethics prior to their signing a treaty with us. You remember the Zenobians, don't you, Captain? Those little lizards you tangled with back in Haskin's Planet?"

"Of course, sir. I ..."

"Since you were the first human to make contact with them, the government felt, and I agreed with them, that you would be the logical choice to deal with their observer. He remembers you, by the way. Even asked for you by name ... except he remembers it as `Captain Clown.'"

"I see." Phule scowled. "Is that all, sir?"

"Not quite." The general gri

"My request, sir?"

"Yes. I have it right here." Blitzkrieg held up a sheet of paper. "It took me a while to find just the right Legio

For several moments the four officers stared silently at the empty space left by the general's image after he broke the co

"Sir?" Armstrong said at last. "A chaplain?"

"It's a long story, Lieutenant," Phule said, rubbing his forehead with one hand. "To be honest with you, I had forgotten completely about making the request."

"I'd watch my step if I were you, Captain," Colonel Battleax advised. "The general's dislike for you doesn't seem to be mellowing with time."