Class Dis-Mythed

"I've got a better idea," Bu

I gri

BAMF!

At the telltale noise, I dropped my dishcloth and went ru

"What do you do with a drunken vampire? What do you do with a drunken vampire? Fill his glass with week-old ketchup, ear-lie in the morning!"

"Ow, ow, owwww!"

I raised my eyebrows. I'd heard the song before. The verses contained plenty of salty language, most of which I never thought would pass the lips of the genteely raised graduate students, but here they were belting it out in three part harmony with a Canidian howl for counterpoint.

"What do you do with a drunken satyr? What do you do with a drunken satyr?" Freezia began then paused.

"I du

"Shing it again!" Melvine's voice quavered. He lost his grip and slid off Freezia to the floor.

"What do you do—hiya, Skeeve! Hiya, Bu

"Teach! Howya doin'?" Melvine shouted. He was dressed in a plaid kilt with a flowered shirt the sleeves of which were rolled up to let his hands stick out. He waved his arms to get his balance and sat up. "We're back!" He fell down again. "Uggghh. I don't feel so well."

"Here's the book!" Bee said, thrusting a blue leather-bound volume into my arms. He wore a pie-eyed expression, not as far gone as Melvine but still well on his way to ethanol poisoning. He had a suspicious-looking mark on his neck. I peered closer. He backed away.

"Line of duty, sir," he explained. "One of the hostiles— er, wasn't really hostile, sir. She was kinda friendly, really."

"No questions asked," I assured him. "So, you were successful! Congratulations!"

"Yes, sir," Bee barked out. "We arrived at approximately ten in the evening Limbo local time, sir! Observed some local native inhabitant residents of the dimension and created disguise spells appropriate to blend in with them. Proceeded along road according to instructions, following turns indicated on the map carried by Mission Commander Jinetta! Isn't that right, ma'am?"

"Why, yes!" Jinetta said. "You're telling it very well. Go on."

"Ma'am! We proceeded to the domicile inhabited by the Woof Writers, sir! Except it was also inhabited by fifteen other people, wearing really strange clothing…"

"They said it was Klahth clobber," Melvine said. "I didn't see any clobber. They told me to look closely, then they clobbered me. It was a joke, get it? I mean, aren't these the most awesome threads you have ever seen?"

"Identified ourselves as 'friends of Skeeve' to Subject One, Drachir, Woof Writer. They have impressive teeth, sir."

"I know," I said.

"We joined the gathering. At approximately +80 minutes into mission, Subject Two, Idnew, issued refreshments. They were unfamiliar, but we felt required to partake in order not to appear out of place. Sausage pizza, salad and ca

"I looked it up," the smallest Pervect giggled then hiccuped.

"The additional people, who identified themselves as Klahths— I can give you a full list of their names if you want, sir!"

"No, thanks," I said.

"They ate the food with some difficulty. Thanks to your training, sir, we were able to consume the offered rations. I thought they tasted okay, sir."

"Horrible!" Jinetta shuddered. "Crunchy leaves!"

"Then they started daring each other to take a drink. Then they dared us. The beverage tasted like plain old whiskey to me, sir. It was no trouble to drink it, sir. It was pretty smooth."

"Hundred-year-old, single malt Dragoncroft," Melvine said with a reminiscent smile on his face. "Can you believe it? They were chugging it down like rotgut. 'Course, some people don't know how to hold their liquor anyhow." He glared at the Pervects.

"Tasted pretty good for non-Pervect liquor," Jinetta admitted. "Then they brought out the red stuff."

"Blood?" I asked, blanching.

"Er, no. They called it bug juice. I have to tell you, Skeeve, at home I never drink bugs, but this was very nice! I must start trying off-dimension food."

"Me, too," Freezia put in.

"Not of animal origin," Tolk assured me. "Plant. Fruit, really. Fermented. I made sure it was safe before I let anyone drink it."

"I du

"They started a sing-along. Jinetta taught them our school fight song."

"She charmed them," Freezia insisted. "They were nervous about strangers, but Jinetta made them feel as though they have known us all their lives. Tolk did, too. They never suspected we weren't Limboans."

"Aooooo!" Tolk said, his nose raised toward the ceiling. "Aaa—cough cough! Boy, that's going to take some practice!"

"What is?"

The Canidian trotted in a circle around me. "The Woof Writers made me an honorary Werewolf. It was intense! All I have to do is to learn to howl properly. They said I'm awful but I could learn!"

"They didn't mean you were really awful," Jinetta said. "They were just joking. Very helpful."

"Until we asked for the object of our mission," Bee reminded her.

"Oh, yeah—"

"What was the problem?"

"Well, sir, it took a while for me to be able to ask about the book. I got kind of interested in my surroundings—"

"In that GIRL," Tolk teased him.

"Er, yeah," Bee said, blushing. "She was, uh, a friendly neutral. I think maybe I had too much to drink, sir."

Jinetta raised a finger. "I remembered about it. Idnew said she couldn't remember where she had put it. Drachir said we'd all hunt for it. It turned out we had been using it as a tray for the chips and dip. Well, as soon as I moved the food off of it, the Klahths grabbed it. I tried to get it back, but they started playing keep-away with it. Just like little children," she fumed. "So, I levitated it back to me. I'm afraid it frightened them."

"Such a natural little action," Freezia said, "and they all stampeded to the far end of the room!"

"I remembered that you said they don't do magik, so I laughed." She essayed a high chuckle. "Then I said it was a party trick. You do party tricks at parties, don't you?"

"Drachir backed us up," Tolk said. "What a guy! What a guy!"

"He didn't want a riot starting in his own house," I said drily.

"So they all wanted to see it again," Jinetta continued. "They took back the book. I got very angry and stamped my foot. I went after the Klahth who had it. I'm afraid I threw some people around." She hiccuped. "I guess I'm stronger than I thought."

"One of them went right through the window,'' Pologne added.

"Then it got kinda complicated," Bee said.

"A brawl," Melvine explained. "A real brawl. It was great. I kept the bottles and things from hitting the girls."

"But you saved the day," Jinetta said, putting her arms around Bee. "We couldn't get near the person with our book, and time was ru

"I didn't know he could, either," I said in surprise.

"I've been practicing, sir," Bee said, his face red. "Late at night, out in the stables. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me, sir. Your dragon thought it was kind of fun to watch me. Last night I even levitated him. That was why the Klahth was no problem."