Class Dis-Mythed

"You bet. Quintin!" she called, clapping her hands. One of the muscular, liveried courtiers ran in and knelt at her feet, presenting an enormous bag that clanked as it moved. She chuckled. "Don't you just love it when they hustle?"

"Adorable," Bu

Massha whipped out a heavy silk cloth and left it floating in the air while she sorted through the clunking collection and laid several items out. "Here are a few of my favorites, stuff that's gotten me out of a couple of nasty situations, and a few that are just plain useful."

"Oh, come on, I've been playing with things like those since I was two," Pologne complained, flipping a couple of pieces over with her talon. "There's a wince whistle. Makes the noise from barking dogs rebound on them. And that's a stuff-sack, for getting more things into your purse."

Massha shrugged. "This is go

She drew out a heavily jeweled gold wand. "This one's good for changing ambience. Short range, but this room's a good size. No verbal invocation, just point and shoot." She stuck a finger in her ear and aimed the wand at the ceiling.

A loud report momentarily deafened us, followed by whistles and toots. Over our heads, flower-shaped gouts of fire erupted, filling the ceiling then drifting down over us. Where the cooling sparks passed, the room shifted before our eyes. The whitewash warmed to a honey color. Framed pictures shimmered into being, along with lamps, vases, occasional tables and knicknacks, and finally a fringed rug of complicated pattern spread itself on the floor.

"I like it," Bu

"Freaky!" Melvine hooted. "Instead of looking like a dreary old pub, now it looks like my gra

"I think it's nice," Bu

"Yeah, right," the Cupy said. He picked up the wand. "How do you make it do something about five hundred years more modern?"

"Turn the dial," Massha said, pointing to a ring near the base of the wand.

Melvine shot the wand toward the crystal lamp in the middle of the ceiling. BANG! Within moments, the walls were stark white again. Tapestry upholstery had changed to russet or stone-colored leather, and the wooden tables had become chrome frames with glass tops. All of the fussy ornaments had vanished, and the pictures on the walls turned to abstracts. Massha's freeform cushions assumed geometric shapes. "Much better. The other stuff made me gag."

"Oh, geometries are so downmarket," Jinetta said.

"Hey, you don't know a thing about design," Melvine shot back.

"And you do?"

"What do you think?" Massha asked Bu

"I like this, too. My tastes are pretty eclectic. You can leave it like this. If I get bored with it, I'll redecorate. What else have you got there?"

Massha spread her hands generously. "Take a look, kids. Try them on for size, but don't invoke anything until you check with the proprietor first. A lot of these gizmos look alike! I don't want any accidents, and I'm sure Skeeve doesn't want the place brought down on his head."

Bee picked up a gaudy ring with a blue stone and fiddled with it. "What's this one do, ma'am?"

Alarmed, Massha plucked it out of his fingers. "Don't point that at yourself, Honeybunch. Joke ring. It fills the mouth of the person you're facing with soap suds. I think it started out as a punishment device for smart-mouthed kids. Be careful.

Just because it looks pretty doesn't mean you can laugh off the results. See?" She picked up a ring with a glittering opal in the bezel. "Watch this. I got this one for saving a merchant from an Ogre he had cheated."

She turned it toward the open window and pressed inward with her fingers. A bolt of blue-white lightning shot out of the window.

"Ho-hum, another lightning ring," Freezia yawned. "I got one for my twelfth birthday. You got taken by the merchant, too, lady. You should have negotiated better. Those cost about three gold pieces brand new. Five with the decoder wheel."

Massha looked crestfallen. I was furious.

"That's enough," I said. "I shouldn't have to tell you that the Lady Magician deserves respect from you whether or not you're impressed."

I raised my eyebrows meaningfully.

They took the threat. Jinetta reached for a bangle bracelet studded with rubies and began to examine it closely.

"Make music," Massha suggested. "Touch the jewels."

Jinetta tried one tentatively then broke into a wide grin at the tinkly sound. She began to play a tune with her fingernails. Freezia and Pologne looked over a cloiso

"I left that one in the queen's boudoir last week. She just howled. I think she wants to plant it on visiting ambassadors."

"What about this?" Tolk asked, offering her a long purple plume.

"It writes romance stories," Massha said. "Dunk it in hot water if you want it to get really steamy."

"Ooh," Freezia cooed, reaching for it. "I adore love stories."

"You would," Melvine sneered. "I bet you've read all of Loebis Nasus's novels."

Freezia eyed him. "How in Perv would you know about her?"

"I don't," Melvine said hastily. "Never read a single word."

"Uh-huh," Freezia said skeptically. "How about this belt, Massha?" She dangled a gaudy strip of gold leather studded with rutilated quartzes.

The Lady Magician of Possiltum settled back on her cushions with a hearty laugh. "There's a story attached to this one, kiddies! That belonged to a wizard named Polik who used it to make himself look thi

Bu

"That's the one!"

"What do you do with it?" Pologne asked pointedly.

"Trade goods," Massha shrugged, refusing to take offense. "If I find someone who's got a treasure they don't need, we swap. It's fun. Listen, I had an idea to make this interesting. I won't tell you any more about my hoard. You take an item and figure out what it does without killing yourself or your fellow classmates here. How about it? Skeeve wanted you to try out what it's like to be working magicians. We have to do this with mystery items all the time, especially in the Bazaar at Deva. Of course, about 90% of the stuff you can buy there are fakes or toys. It's a contest. Whoever identifies the most items gets a prize. Bu

"I'm on it!" my assistant declared, reaching for a pencil and a pad of paper.

Pologne gri

"It can be," Massha smiled back. Her teeth were nowhere as impressive, but the feral expression more than made up for it. "Go on, give it a try!" She spilled the baubles out on the floating cloth.

Bee goggled at the array of treasures. Gingerly, he picked up a ski

"Cures poison," he said at once.

"How do you know that?" Bee asked.

"Unicornium," Tolk said, gri