Class Dis-Mythed

"Well—" The big baby poked at the creepy-crawlies with a spoon. "But they stink."

"True," I agreed. "Try deodorizing them. Or change the smell. Pour gravy on them. Freeze them. Cover them in cheese dip. I don't care. Just as long as, by the end of the meal, the contents of that dish are in your stomach."

"Ewwwwwwwww." Melvine might protest, but he was intelligent enough to know I meant business. He couldn't outstubborn me as long as I held the ultimate trump card: Markie. He crouched down at eye level to the purple creatures to study them.

"You're not eating," I observed.

"Gimme a minute!"

I glanced at the Pervects. They didn't look any happier than Melvine. I knew Pervects could eat anything that didn't eat them first, but I guessed that the girls had lived such sheltered lives that they had never tried off-dimension food. The prospect was clearly bringing them to the extreme edge of nausea. I had to enjoy the look on Pologne's face as she picked unhappily at the bowl of mush.

"It's dead," she wailed. "It disintegrated!"

"That's the way it's supposed to look," I said. "Melvine doesn't have very many teeth, so he needs soft food."

Pologne took a spoonful, and promptly spewed it across the table. "Gack! It's like sand!"

"And this?" Jinetta asked, presenting what had been Bee's plate. "There's no smell at all! It might be made of plastic. That's not real food."

"Sure it is. Klahds eat it every day."

Jinetta looked horrified. "You guys are sick."

Tolk looked as though he agreed with her. His nose was almost flat against the table, as he stalked at the food he had received from Bu

"Grrrrrrr," he snarled at the chunk of meat. It didn't move. I was tempted to make it wiggle, just to make the contest more interesting. He shoved his sensitive black nose close. Sniff sniff sniff sniff.

"Hey!" he yelped, retreating. "It bit me!"

"It didn't bite you," I said. "It's just a sharp smell. It's cooked in vinegar."

"That's disgusting!"

Melvine paddled his food with his spoon. "No, THIS is disgusting!"

"Mine's worse," Freezia said.

"No, mine's worse!"

"Try it," I said, leveling a fork at them. "We're not leaving this table until you all eat your di

"You're not eating," Pologne said to me.

All the other students turned to stare.

Gulp. I knew that this acid test would come sooner or later. I was prepared for it—I hoped. I took a deep breath. With everyone's eyes on me, I swept my hands over the bowl in my best stage-magician style, and created an illusion of blinding light. Concealed by the glare, I sent one piece of the reeking, writhing Pervish food into a covered container in the kitchen and exchanged it for what the container held, which was cooked squirrel-rat meat dyed purple to look like Pervish food. Before the others' eyes could recover from the light, I stabbed the chunk with my fork and stuffed it into my mouth.

"See," I said, as I chewed. "Nothing to it." I swallowed hastily. "So, how was your day, Bu

"Er, fine, Skeeve. Did you see anything interesting on Sear?"

"Not much," I admitted, 'enchanting' another piece of meat. "You've seen one arid desert landscape, you've seen them all."

Bu

She distracted the Terrier from his stalking of the corned beef. He was wi

"No!" I burst out, levitating out of my chair and pulling him down. "It's good. Really. Just calm down. Look, you almost spilled the beer. Just sit down." I patted him on the head. The vegetable lay inert where he had dropped it. "See? It didn't mean any harm. Go on."

The canine shot several looks of distrust at the vegetables, but he returned to his seat. "Okay. You're the boss."

The Pervects snickered to themselves and shot meaningful glances at one another. Their expressions changed as they returned their attention to the food. Pologne looked like she might faint. Jinetta wore a skeptical expression. Freezia seemed so hopeless I thought she was going to give up and leave the table.

Bee had taken my instructions literally. After watching in astonishment that turned inevitably into horrified disgust at the attempted escape of his entree, he thwacked each bite of Pervish food firmly with the heavy end of his spoon. Then, with his eyes squeezed firmly shut, he gulped down the mouthful.

"How are you doing, Bee?" I asked.

"Okay, sir," he gasped out, cracking one eye. "Sometimes we got food as bad as this in mess, sir!"

"Carry on, then."

"Yes, sir!"

"I saw a prediction of bad weather in the crystal ball today," Bu

"We'll work inside, then," I said. "Did you see anything else interesting?"

Tolk gulped the rest of his meal down in five bites, then gazed over his empty bowl at everyone in turn with big, sad, puppy-dog eyes. I didn't know if he was hoping for leftovers, or he had a bellyache from eating the strange food. No question about Melvine; he was in a full-scale sulk, peering down at the squirming objects in his bowl. He had only eaten one of them. I could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to persuade me not to make him eat the others. I calmly beamed another 'bite' from the kitchen and went on with my meal. Bu

"Oh, yes, I did see something fun, Skeeve! The semi-final of Sink or Swim: Imper was on the Crystal Ball Network last night," Bu

The medium-sized student didn't reply.

"I'd have said, don't underestimate Gremlins," I chuckled, picking up the verbal ball and ru

Bu

With the inevitable before them, the other students were finally letting themselves experiment. Freezia was trying out a sense-deadening spell so she didn't taste anything. She had to be careful not to bite her tongue or eat her own fingers. She bit the bowls off two spoons before she finally got the hang of eating, and was making steady if unhappy progress.

Pologne went the other way in terms of sensory input. She did a reanimation spell on the green meat. It jumped and writhed just like a genuine Pervish meal. She seemed to get some satisfaction out of chasing down and stabbing the chunks of meat, even if they were the wrong color and wrong texture. Jinetta threw an illusion on her food so it looked like and even smelled like the real thing. Pologne was still keeping her eye on me.

"I think Sink or Swim is kind of silly," I said. "I know crystal ball viewing is becoming more popular throughout the dimensions. I prefer seeing events in person."