Mything Persons

Chapter Fourteen:

"Relax, Julie. Everyone will understand."

—ROMEO

FORTUNATELY, Massha's elevated position during our

flight had given her an excellent view of our surround-

ings, and we were able to find our way back to the

Dispatcher's without being discovered by the aroused

populace. Now that our numbers had increased, how-

ever, Vilhelm's greeting was noticeably cooler.

"I'm starting to believe what everybody says," the

little vampire complained. "Let one demon in, and the

next thing you know the neighborhood's crawling with

them. When I decided to talk to you folks instead of

blowing the whistle on you, I didn't figure on turning

my office into a meeting place for off-worlders."

"C'mon, Vilhelm," I said, trying to edge my foot

into the doorway. "We don't have any place else to go

in town. There aren't that many of us."

"We could always just wait out on the street until the

authorities come by," Aahz suggested. "I don't imagine

it would take much to convince them that this guy has

been harboring fugitives."

121

122 Robert Asprin

"Can it. Green and Scaly," Massha ordered, puffing

herself up to twice her normal size. "Vilhelm's been nice

to us so far. and I won't listen to anyone threaten him,

even you. Just remember that you'd still be cooling your

heels in the slammer if it weren't for him. Either he

helps of his own free will, or we look elsewhere."

Aahz gave ground before her righteous indignation.

"Are you going to let your apprentice talk to me that

way? "he demanded.

"Only when she's right." I shrugged.

"I say, Aahz," Chumley intervened. "Could you

possibly curb your normally vile ma

ments? We don't really need one more enemy in this di-

mension, and I, for one, would appreciate the chance to

extend my thanks to this gentleman before he throws us

out."

When he's working, Chumley goes by the name of

Big Crunch and does a Neanderthal that's the envy of

half the barbarians at the Bazaar. On his own time,

however, his polished charm has solved a lot of prob-

lems for us ... almost as many as Aahz's bluster has

gotten us into.

"Oh, come on in," the Dispatcher grumbled. "Enter

freely and of your own accord and all that. I never could

turn my back on somebody in trouble. Guess that's why

I've never traveled the other dimensions myself. They'd

eat me alive out there."

"Thanks, Vilhelm," I said, slipping past him into the

office before he could change his mind. "You'll have

to forgive my partner. He really isn't always like this.

Being on death row hasn't done much for his sense of

humor."

"I guess I'm a little edgy myself," the vampire ad-

mitted. "Strange as it sounds, I've been worried about

you folks... and your motor-mouthed friend who's

been keeping me company hasn't helped things much."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 123

I did a quick nose count of our troop.

"Wait a minute," I frowned. "Who's been waiting

for us?"

Now it was Vilhelm's turn to look surprised.

"Didn't one of you send out for a werewolf? He said

he was with you."

"Aahh! But I am! My friends, they do not know me

yet, but I shall be their salvation, no?"

With that, I was overwhelmed by a shaggy rug. Well,

at least that's what I thought until it came off the floor

and threw itself into my arms with the enthusiasm of a

puppy ... a very large puppy.

"What's that?!." Aahz said, his eyes narrowing dan-

gerously. "Skeeve, can't I leave you alone for a few

days without you picking up every stray in any given di-

mension?"

"That," in this case, was one of the scroffiest-look-

ing werewolves I'd ever seen... realizing, of course,

that until this moment I'd only seen two. He had dark

bushy eyebrows (if you'll believe that on a werewolf)

and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on the

side. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a han-

dlebar mustache, and what might have been a goatee

peered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piece-

meal, he was very well-groomed. It's just when taken in

its entirety that he looked scroffy. Maybe it was the

leer... .

"Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untangle

myself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"

"Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me so

suddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to in-

troduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am

ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof

Writers, they have told me of your pro-blem and I have

flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou

A. and I am at your service."

124

MYTH-ING PERSONS 125

Robert Asprin

With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish

that if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have ap-

plauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the

Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they

knew of someone who could help.

"Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand,

which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I

wait outside?"

Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No

dimension traveler should be without it."

She produced a small vial and tossed it to my

bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below

your nose."

"Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instruc-

tions. "What is it?"

"It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I

think it has a garlic base."

"WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the

vial.

Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins.

"Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you and

told us about your allergies ... all of them."

Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.

"Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spite

of himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, I

suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly

gave him a heart attack with that last little joke."

This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded

in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melo-

dramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it's

time to play practical jokes on each other.

"Ummm... tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring my

other problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you

think you can...."

"No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"

"Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.

"Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted with

my ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we

... how you say, get down to ze business, would you do

me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"

"Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's...."

"But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long

wished to meet you."

If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad

mood, it's flattery... and Pepe seemed to be an expert

in that category.

"You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean...

what exactly have you heard? There have been so many

adventures over the years."

"Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from a

pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."

"Piere? You know Piere?"

"Do I know him? He is my uncle!"

"No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that?

Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'11 we tell Gus."

I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten

in the reunion.

"Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side.

"It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out

the wine?"

That got my attention.

"Wine? You've got wine?"

"Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampire

admitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handy

the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but

talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than

watching the tubes."

"Well bring it out... but I get the first glass. Unless

you've got lots there won't be much left after my part-

ner there gets his claws on it."

I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see

126 Robert Asprin

Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.

"Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying.

"Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well

as ... how should I say it, its quantity?"

"You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I never

did go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my

drift."

I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from

the group.

"Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I

said. "I've been ru

thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge

my batteries before we fire up again."

"No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my

shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup

... and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but

thanks for the bail-out."

"Don't mention it," I gri

wouldn't do the same for me."

"Don't know," he retorted. "You've never sucker-

punched me at the begi

"Now that I still owe you for."

Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz

hurried away to rejoin the group.

I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded